


Save Me

by The_Jade_Goblin



Series: Shoker Chronicles [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Eventual relationship, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, One-Sided Relationship, Past shenko, Pining, Shoker, Slow Burn, post first shepard death/rebuilding, set in ME2, takes place after collector attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-20
Updated: 2016-11-29
Packaged: 2018-08-09 22:35:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 52,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7819918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Jade_Goblin/pseuds/The_Jade_Goblin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He couldn't save her. It was his fault she was dead. If he hadn't been too stubborn to leave the Normandy...</p><p>Joker struggles to deal with the guilt of getting Shepard killed, but it gets even worse when she returns, and it's like nothing has changed between them. Only everything has. Two years is such a long time after all, and they're both haunted with demons from the past. </p><p>Joker is determined not to make the same mistake on this mission, this time she WILL survive, and he WILL get the guts to tell her how he feels. Well, maybe not the second one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The Normandy was caving in around him, but he refused to move from his seat. He could do it, he could save her, he was the best damn pilot in the galaxy for nothing dammit and he would save the ship – _his_ ship – if it was the last thing he did!

“Joker! We have to get out of here!”

He heard Shepard’s call before he felt he crash into his chair, fallen from an explosion behind them and struggling to get up. No. He wasn’t going anywhere. If the Normandy was lost, he was going down with her.

“I can do it Commander; I can still save her!” he cried desperately.

“The Normandy is gone Joker! Going down with the ship won’t change that!” Shepard finally managed to get up, and Joker tore his eyes from the control panel, and saw for the fire time, true fear pass over his Commander’s face. In all their time together he’d never seen her so terrified, and it was the fear in her face that snapped him out of his revere. S

he was not leaving this ship without him, he knew that, and he couldn’t be the reason she didn’t make it out alive. So he relented, and let her drag him out of his chair. He cried out and complained when she broke his arm, and she apologised even as she half-dragged half-carried him over the ruined CIC, now open to space, and into the last escape pod.

He was shoved in, none-too-gently, breaking several bones in the process, but he wasn’t in the position to complain, the ship was being destroyed around them. He turned back, expecting to see Shepard closing the door behind them, only she wasn’t there. She’d drifted, been forced further away by an explosion, and he could see her gripping onto the ship in a desperate attempt to stay grounded.

“Commander!” he called, fear piercing his heart. “ _Shepard_!”

But she looked up at him, and he knew exactly what she was about to do.

“ _No_! **_KAT_**!” his scream fell on deaf hears as Shepard pushed the launch button, sending his pod out into open space, towards safety, while the ship exploded around her.

“ _Katherine_!” Joker screamed desperately, crawling up to the window of the pod and peering out at the horrific sight before him.

His eyes searched, the wreckage was ablaze with fire, it looked like a miniature sun. One final explosion tore every inch of it apart, and the ship that had destroyed it vanished as quickly as it came. Still Joker searched, the fire of the Normandy dimming, his eyes adjusting until he saw her. Away from the wrecking she was spiralling into space, flailing violently, her hands pressed to the back of her neck…her oxygen was leaking out of her suit.

“No! No no no, Kathy come on, no! Dammit Shepard _no_!” Joker threw himself against the doors in anger, desperation, until finally Shepard had disappeared from his sight, which was blurry with tears, and he slid against the doors, exhausted, and passed out.

“Katherine…” he mumbled in his sleep, rolling to one side. “No…Kathy no…no…no…!”

He could suddenly see her, lifeless in front of him, her body floating, weightless, and still. She looked at him with dead, unblinking, unseeing eyes. Eyes which were once the deepest emerald, now clouded and white.

“You didn’t save me…” her lifeless moth moved, but her voice was not her own, it was hollow, and emotionless. “I died to save you…and you didn’t save me…it’s your fault…it’s all your fault…”

The explosions were hot around him, burning his skin, but he was unable to move, unable to blink, as her voice echoed around him.

“Joker we have to get out of here!”

“I can still save the Normandy!”

“Going down with the ship won’t change that! Come on!”

“Commander! No! _Shepard_! KAT _NO_!”

“You didn’t save me…it’s all your fault…”

 

“KAT!” Joker jolted upright with a cry, eyes wide and panting heavily.

His eyes blinked slowly, his ears ringing with the echoes of the past. Slowly, his breathing calmed, and his eyes adjusted to the gloom of the room. The glow on the clock by his bed told him it was 3:40 am. He sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly with his fingers. His head hurt like shit.

He glanced across from the clock to a picture frame on his nightstand. Feeling pain tighten in his chest, he reached over to take the photo, looking down at it in sadness. It was photo of Shepard, for once wearing civilian clothing, and his little sister Hilary. Hilary had so excited to meet Shepard when Joker had offhandedly mentioned getting a message from her after Sovereign’s attack on the Citadel, saying she was a big fan of the Commander.

Shepard had leapt at the first opportunity to chart a course in between geth clean-up missions to go meet his sister. He still remembered Hilary’s ear-splitting shriek when she saw Joker waddling in next to Shepard, before she launched herself into Shepard’s arms. Shepard had been so happy that day, to meet Joker’s father and sister, and Hilary hadn’t stopped smiling all day. Later Shepard had thanked Joker for giving her a day off from hunting geth.

She’d taken to Hilary like they’d known each other their whole lives. Hilary was only a kid, but she and Shepard had clicked as soon as they met. It had been a good day, but the memory was tainted for him now. Not a week later, the Normandy had been destroyed, and Shepard killed. All because Joker wouldn’t get out of his chair.

He put the photo down, lowering his head. That nightmare had been plaguing him for months. It was different each time, but he always relived the destruction of the Normandy, and he always watched Shepard suffocate, unable to reach her. He knew, deep down, Shepard would never blame him. But that didn’t help. Nothing did. As far as he was concerned, the woman he loved was dead because of him and his stupid, stubborn need to save a ship that was screwed the second it had been hit.

“Shut up Joker,” he berated himself. “Feeling sorry for yourself won’t bring her back. Shut the fuck up and get back to sleep.”

Though why it was important for him to get a decent night’s sleep, he didn’t know anymore. The Alliance had grounded him after Shepard’s death, claiming his ‘trauma’ made him unfit for flying. Unfit his ass. They’d taken the only other thing that mattered to him, his wings. Now he just didn’t care at all. Grudgingly, he laid back down, and tried to sleep.

It had been almost a year now since Shepard had died. Fucking Council had given her all kinds of ‘honours’ at the funeral on the Citadel. Named a scholarship after her for poor kids on Earth, gave her a Memorial Square, had a statue of her and everything, but that had just become another tourist destination now.

All funding for Alliance veterans were done in her name, and they’d given her enough medals to rebuilt the damn Normandy as far as he was concerned. But it meant nothing in the end. The Council were only doing it for show, the people closest to her knew it was all bullshit and were none too happy to hear the Reaper claim dismissed and pushed away in a corner.

So, _so_ many people had come forward to defend Shepard’s word, Joker included. Alliance soldiers that were never even part of the Normandy crew, people who’d never _met_ Shepard before came forward to vouch for her. Of course the whole crew kicked up a fuss about her claims being ignored, but they were separated, reassigned to other missions, and the aliens Shepard had gathered around her all left, one by one they went back to their homeworlds, or disappeared somewhere into space.

Soon there was no one left but Joker and Captain Anderson – well, Councillor Anderson now. But now, he never saw any old faces. Not that he went out much, he didn’t do much these days, living off his Alliance pension he spent his days ignoring his family’s concerned messages and drinking, lost in the past.

But that all changed, with a knock on the door.

Joker wasn’t interested in entertaining guests, and tried to ignore the incessant knocking, but eventually it had annoyed him and he got up, grumbling as he shuffled carefully over to the door. He hadn’t expected to see the sight before him. A gorgeous brunette stood at the door, the face was unfamiliar, but the uniform she wore was not. It bore the symbol of Cerberus, and he narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

“Mr. Moreau?” she asked.

“Depends on who’s asking.” He said tensely. “What does a Cerberus agent want with me?”  

“We have an important assignment for you Mr. Moreau. My name is Miranda Lawson, I work for the Illusive Man, and he has a proposition for you.”

Looking Miranda up and down, Joker shrugged. “Alright I’m listening.”

“How would you like to get your wings back?” Miranda gave a secretive smile, like she knew something he didn’t, which was probably true.

Joker jolted at the thought of being able to fly again, and Miranda saw the joy light up his face, before he quickly concealed it, still suspicious.

“Why would the Illusive Man help me get back in the air? Of all people?”

“Because, he’s heard you’re the best pilot in the Alliance.” Miranda said simply. “It’s not fair to keep such a talent grounded, we’d like to help you Mr. Moreau, get you flying again like you should be. You’ll need to get your skills up again after all, we can’t have you getting rusty.”

“And why would you care if I get rusty or not? It’s been a year since I was grounded, why do you care now all of a sudden?” Joker demanded.

Miranda smiled. “If it were up to me we would have recruited you a year ago, but the Lazarus Project wasn’t underway yet. It’s now commenced, so now is the perfect time to ask for your help, in a special assignment once the project is complete, and now’s as good a time as any to start honing your skills again,”

Joker considered. “Alright lady, you make a good sales pitch I’ll give you that. You give me the chance to fly again, I’ll do whatever you like. Just one question though, what exactly is this ‘special assignment’?”

Miranda smirked inwardly. “This special mission requires not only your special skills Mr. Moreau, but you specifically. Commander Shepard will be in need of your piloting expertise in due time after all, and she’d have no one else as her pilot.”

Joker’s eyes widened. “What…?” he whispered.

He couldn’t breathe. Shepard? Needed him? But…but she was dead!

“Project Lazarus Mr. Moreau,” Miranda informed him. “We’re working to revive Shepard, we’re bringing her back, and if we’re successful, we’re going to need you to pilot the Normandy SR-2.”

There was never another question asked. Ask him to crawl to the Illusive Man himself on his knees in the snow, he’d do it once he knew they were bringing her back. No question about it.

“I’m in.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Just like old times, isn’t it Commander?”

He heard her gasp, and she turned around, eyes wide with disbelief.

“Joker…”

It was so good to see her. She looked the same save for some surgical scars on her cheeks. She didn’t look a day older, you could almost believe she hadn’t been gone in the first place.

“Hey Whiskers,” he smirked.

Shepard’s lips split into a huge grin at the old nickname, and she walked forward to hug him, always being careful of his brittle bones, but never in such a way to insult him. He held her tightly, needing to know she was there, that she was _alive_. He could hear her breathing, feel her heartbeat, and he closed his eyes to feel the warmth of her body against his. It was so good to have her back.

“Good to have you back Kat,” his whisper was half-broken, and in concern Shepard broke away to look at him.

“Joker…” she murmured.

He blinked away tears, and managed to smile. “You have no idea what a sight for sore eyes you are.”

“You too Joker.” Shepard smiled. “Well, you know, if I actually felt like it’d been two years ago since we last saw each other anyway.”

Joker went silent, nodding slowly. Of course. It had been two years for him, but to her, it must have felt like yesterday, and suddenly she was waking up and everything had changed. He wanted to ask her what she remembered, but he never wanted to talk about that day ever again. He couldn’t.

Back on the Citadel with his therapists he refused to talk about Shepard’s death, he would not bring it up to the woman herself, she had other bullshit to deal with right now without him brooding over his mistake. He’d gotten her killed, and if he tried to breach that topic, he didn’t think he could handle the look on her face when she blamed him for her death. She was smiling now, and that’s all that mattered.

“Come on, I’ve got something to show you,” Joker got excited as he thought about the Normandy, and hobbled off up the ramp as fast as he could, which was admittedly not so fast, but Shepard kept pace with him patiently.

“Looks like you got some upgrades yourself,” she commented.

“Just a few braces and rods to keep my legs together,” Joker supplied. “Doesn’t fix it but I’m a lot more mobile than I used to be.”

“The benefits of being with Cerberus,” she didn’t sound happy. He hadn’t expected her to.

“Two years ago I saw you get spaced,” Joker said, forcing him to keep his tone light. “The Council grounded me, hell yeah I joined up with Cerberus.” 

“They took away your wings?” Shepard sounded insulted. “You’re the best pilot in the Alliance how could they do that?”

“They claimed PTSD after the attack, add to that I wouldn’t give in and lie about the Reapers, they claimed I was too unstable for flying. Jerks.” Joker said. “But hey, check this out. It was completed just last night,”

He stood with her as the hanger lights slowly turned on, and finally, his baby was back. He felt her hand on his shoulder and knew she was grinning as much as he was. It was perfect, in every detail. Their ship was back. He had his baby, his Commander, he was on top of the world right now.

“I guess we’ll have to give her a name,” she murmured.

“She already had a name.” Joker answered.

Shepard nodded. “Yeah. The Normandy.”

Her hand squeezed his shoulder, and he uncrossed his arms to reach a hand up to cover hers. It was a moment he didn’t think he could share with anyone else in their crew. Even the old ones who had been there at the start, Garrus or Tali and Liara or Kaidan, they wouldn’t understand his attachment to his ship.

The only one who understood, and even shared that feeling was Shepard. In that moment they had their home back, their ship was back, and they were next to each other, pilot and Commander, like it had always been. Suddenly, two years didn’t seem that long ago.

“We’re home Commander,” Joker said quietly.

“Yeah,” Shepard’s voice was filled with tears. “We’re home.”

 

 

“Hey baby, it’s good to see you again,” Joker smiled as he limped through the CIC of the Normandy, Shepard behind him.

“The old girl’s had some improvements.” She commented. “She looks good.”

“Hell yeah she looks good,” Joker grinned. “With this ship I can get you anywhere, get you through anything.”

“You already rescued me from a volcano, a nuke, and I can’t count how many falling stations in the old Normandy. Can’t wait to see what you can do in the SR-2.” Shepard chuckled.     

_Yeah, but I couldn’t save you from the Collectors in the old Normandy. I can save you this time. I **will** save you this time. I’ll never make that mistake again, this time I’ll save you from anything. You and the Normandy._

They got to the cockpit, and Joker sat down in his new chair, sighing contently. Shepard took her place behind him, like she always did, a hand on his shoulder. Only this time he noticed there was no hand. He looked up, and saw Shepard staring out the windows, a strange look on her face.

The last time she’d been here, the Normandy had been in pieces, and the cockpit on fire. The last she stood here looking at these windows the place was red and filled with the sounds of alarms and explosions. He noticed she was shaking. He quickly reached out, his hand gripped hers, and the shaking stopped as she fell out of her revere and looked down at him.

“Hey.” He said quietly. “It’s alright. It’s okay.”

She took a shuddering breath, and closed her eyes. “Is it?” she whispered.

“Yeah.” Joker squeezed her hand. “I’m not letting anything happen to you while you’re in this ship. You’re safe. I promise.”

She opened her eyes, and gave the barest hint of a smile. _She’s probably remembering last time, how I didn’t keep that damn promise. I didn’t keep her safe then, but it will be different this time._

“There’s no one I’d rather have my back than my favourite pilot,” she said softly. 

“Sure I couldn’t have other parts of you too?” he joked.

Shepard laughed, and let go of his hand to rest it on his shoulder, and it was like old times again.

 “Where to Commander?”

Shepard smiled. “The stars Flight Lieutenant.” She replied.


	3. Chapter 3

“Can’t sleep?”

Joker found a steaming cup of coffee being handed to him in the gloom of the cockpit, and reached out to take it gratefully as he watched Shepard slip down into the co-pilot’s chair next to him, clad in Cerberus ground soldier uniform rather than the Commander’s uniform they’d given her. He should have figured she favoured the soldier’s clothes, even in the Alliance formal uniforms meant nothing to her. She was a soldier first, important Commander next. She felt far more at ease in soldier’s garb, even to sleep it seemed.

“I told you to hit the hay hours ago,” she reminded him as she sipped from her own cup.

“You think I trust a Cerberus pilot to fly this baby right?” Joker scoffed. “Or trust that AI?”

“It’s not like we’re zipping in and out of asteroid belts Joker,” Shepard said lightly. “Another pilot can handle getting us to the relay before you work your magic,”

“Even if I believed that, I don’t want to be away from the controls for long.” Joker said.

“A pilot who isn’t rested is useless to me,” she reminded him.

Joker sighed.

“So, can’t sleep?”

“No.” he admitted. “You?”

“No,” she agreed. “The window on my ceiling…it’s disturbing.”

Joker’s eyes widened. Those idiots put a window in her ceiling?! After knowing she got spaced and died?! He immediately reached out to close the shutters on her window, leaving his open to navigate. She blinked, and looked at him in surprise.

“Thanks.” Was all she said.

He smiled at her, though it was strained. He turned back to the controls, trying not to think about the last time he’d seen her face, eyes pleading and scared, as she held on for dear life, only to be blasted away and die.

“I heard most of the old crew survived,” Shepard said softly, eventually causing the silence between them to break. So she was thinking about it too.

“Most of them did. Few weren’t so lucky,” Joker replied stiffly.

“Joker…”

“What do you want from me Commander?” he bit out. “You want the gory details? You wanna know what happened to us after you died? You really wanna hear how the crew drifted apart because the only thing holding us together was gone? Should I tell you how Garrus disappeared off the map, how Kaidan can’t look at a girl with red hair without crying, or how I keep waking up every night screaming? Is that what you want?”

She looked shell-shocked, and for a moment, Joker regretted his harsh words. Of course she wanted to know what happened, and where the old gang was, but he just couldn’t think about it. Didn’t want to.

“I’m…sorry Joker I…I’m sorry,” she mumbled.

Joker sighed. “The Alliance declared me unfit for flight after I sent three therapists to quit. I wouldn’t cooperate, they kept trying to make me talk about what happened and I couldn’t…I just couldn’t. they said I was holding onto it, and so what if I am? You don’t let something like that go Shepard, I saw you _die_.”

Shepard winced.

“I couldn’t save the Normandy. That’s all I’d tell them.” Joker paused, then snorted in contempt. “My one job and I couldn’t do it. Therapists said I was obsessed, that I couldn’t stop talking about the Normandy, that I cared more about losing the ship than I did the people on it. After that they grounded me, and I lost everything I cared about.”

“I’m sorry Joker…”

“For what? You were just curious. I understand if you need closure Shepard but…maybe it’s best not to get it from me, I’ve had two years for the memory to make me bitter. Sorry Shepard.”

“You don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. I shouldn’t have asked, it’s in the past now anyway, nothing to be done by talking about it.” Shepard sighed. “So you don’t know where any of the others are?”

“Nah. Lost contact with pretty much everyone. We were your team Commander, without you there just weren’t any reason to stick around.”

Shepard’s eyes lowered, and she stared into her coffee cup as she drank. Joker mulled over his thoughts for a moment, wanting to cheer her up somehow. But how did you cheer up a person who had just realised she’d lost everything?

“You remember when Garrus drew funny faces on Tali’s helmet that one time after Virmire?” he tried.

“And she couldn’t work out why everyone was laughing for three days,” Shepard smirked. “That was a pick-me-up we all needed,”

“But then it just got crazy,” Joker chuckled. “Tali got her own back alright,”

“And launched the prank competition of a lifetime,” Shepard laughed. “I remember once Tali had set Garrus’s visor to blast some Asari band music everytime he tried to calibrate his weapons.”

“And how Garrus replaced her water supply with quarrian liquor and she wound up drunk on duty,”

“You ever think about the old days, and all the trouble we got into?” Shepard’s gleaming eyes turned to him.

“Yeah well those seem like the good old days now but come on, I mean it was hell at the time. Saren and the geth and the Council being the damn Council.”

“Good times though,” Shepard shrugged. “We had a good team. I just wish we could have some of them back,”

“Have faith Commander, I’m sure not everyone just disappeared. After all, didn’t Cerberus give us Liara’s location? Head to Illium, talk to her. It’ll do you good,”

“Yeah. Maybe.” Shepard murmured.

“What’s holding you back Katherine?”

Shepard blinked, staring into her cup like she’d seen ghost. She glanced up at Joker like she was seeing someone else.

“You called me Katherine…”

Joker’s eyes widened. “Oh – shit! Sorry Commander, are we still on duty?”

“No no, it’s okay!” Shepard held up a hand to reassure him. “It’s just – the only person that’s ever called me that was mother,”

“Oh.” Joker grew quiet. “You never talk about your family,”

“Not much to tell really,” Shepard shrugged. “Mother was Alliance, desk jobs mostly, Dad used to be a soldier but a bad injury took him out of active duty so he and mother travelled to Mindoir to start a new life in the colonies. Well, you know how that worked out.”

He could tell it wasn’t a good subject for her, but morbid curiosity refused to leave him. And plus, maybe it would help her. His therapists told him talking about the past sometimes helped you ease the burden of the present. He thought it was utter bullshit, but you never know. Worth a try.

“Tell me about them.” He offered.

Shepard gave him a side-long glance. She took a breath, and sipped from her cup. After a moment’s consideration, she reached up to find Joker’s secret stash of liquor and poured a generous amount of gin into her coffee, taking a big gulp before she continued.

“Mother was Alliance brass right down to her underwear. Dad too. Even though neither of them were actively part of the Alliance anymore, army life is hard to get away from. Mother was more suited to the life of a simple farming colonist than dad, but he picked it up well. He was a combat engineer, and the colony usually went to him when their tech was bugging out. Mother worked in administration for the Alliance, and was often on the Citadel delivery reports.”

A smile worked its way onto Shepard’s face.

“I remember one time, when mother was coming home from an important meeting, and me and all my siblings were waiting for her at the docks all dressed up in Alliance blues, saluting her as she got off the shuttle. I’d never seen her smile so much.” Shepard laughed. “My older sister Wanda made the uniforms for us – she was such a talented seamstress, she made clothes for everyone in the colony when she was older.”

“What about your other siblings?” Joker questioned.

“Adrian and I were probably the closest,” Shepard said. “He was my twin, and we were exactly alike my mother always said. He and I were thick as thieves and loved to fight, we’d practise fight all day and come home with bruises and scraped knees. Mother found it hilarious. My oldest brother Matthew wanted to be a soldier, and entered training when Adrien and I were about 14, I remember dad was so proud. Adrien idolized Matthew and wanted to join the Alliance when he was older just like him, and wanted me to join up with him. I wasn’t interested, but he was my twin so I agreed that when we came of age we’d join up together.”

“What did you want to do if you didn’t want to join up like Adrien?”

“Well…” Shepard bit her lip, and blushed. “I wanted to be a dancer. I loved to dance, that’s what got me into fighting, it was like dancing – all the moves calculated, one step ahead of your opponent, dancing around them to confuse and daze. It was fun. Dancing didn’t have the rush of adrenalin like fighting did, but I did compete in competitions on Mindoir which was exciting. Mother said I had the grace of a ballerina, so that’s what I wanted to be. Mother always wanted to go into the arts herself but her father had insisted she join the military.”     

“I didn’t know you could dance.” Joker was filled with images of little Katherine twirling around in her tutu and couldn’t help but smile.

“I didn’t keep it up after enlistment. I’m not sure I could even still do it,” Shepard admitted. “But that’s what I wanted to be when I was a little girl. My little sister Eva would play the piano while I danced and Wanda sung. We put on a lot of shows at our school.”

“Sounds fun,” Joker chuckled.

Shepard laughed too. “Hey it was good fun for a kid,”

“I’m just imagining little Shepard in a bright pink tutu, prancing about in a tiara and fairy wings.” He teased.

“You know I think I have a holo of me in something like that when I was about 8,” Shepard smirked. “It was for the spring play, I played a fairy princess.”

“Now _that_ , I have to see.”

“You’ll have to pry the holo from my cold dead hands Joker,” Shepard joked. “No one’s seeing that piece of embarrassing history. No sir.”

“Aw, and after all we’ve been through together,” Joker mock-pouted, prompting Shepard to laugh again.

She sipped at her coffee-and-gin mixture, sobering up as her mind went to darker thoughts.

“Seems like a lifetime ago,” she murmured.

“Technically for you it has been,” Joker supplied, though it probably didn’t help.

“I guess.” She conceded. “I know Cerberus wanted me back exactly as I was, but would it have killed them to take away those memories?”

“What happened must have been terrible, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right?”

“Yeah, and what kills you makes you pissed off.” Shepard smirked.

“The Collectors better watch out then,”

“Damn straight.” Shepard nodded. “I’m not letting anything like that happen to my crew ever again.”

Joker blinked. “ _You_ won’t let it happen? You’re saying that like it was your fault,”

“Back on Mindoir, I couldn’t do anything.” Shepard sighed. “I watched my family die, the colony destroyed. And I couldn’t save anyone. I was a 16-year-old girl terrified out of my mind with a half-loaded pistol in my hand and I only managed to kill a couple of batarians out of sheer desperation. If I had the experience I do now, then…I could have stopped it. I could have saved them. When the Alliance saved me, and Anderson saw potential in me, I launched myself into training. I swore to myself I would become stronger, strong enough to stop anything like that from hurting the people I care about ever again. I promised I would never let anyone under my authority get hurt.”

She glanced down at her cup. “Then came Akuze. Then Virmire. Alchera. I failed my squad, failed my crew, the people that depended on me. They knew the risks, but I had sworn a duty to protect them, and I didn’t. I’m going to get stronger than before, be the very best, and when we hit the Omega-4 Relay, this time, no one dies but the enemy. Every single person that I make my family on this ship is getting out of this mission alive, I will not risk failing again. I just won’t.”

“Katherine…” Joker didn’t know what to say. “You can’t save everyone all the time, no matter how hard you try. I know that sucks, but sometimes you have to be happy with those you did save, not be sad by those you couldn’t. there’s not a man or woman here that wouldn’t willingly follow you into certain death, myself included, to us it’s our priority to get this mission done, to see our Commander succeeded and live to tell the tale. That’s our duty.”

Shepard glanced at him.

“Well, my duty.” Joker admitted, not looking at her. “You talk like Alchera was your fault, but it was mine. I won’t let you down again.”

“Joker…?” he felt a hand on his shoulder. “What do you mean? It wasn’t your fault.”

“You died because of me,” Joker’s hands shook as he tapped at the ship’s control panel. “I refused to leave the Normandy and you died because we ran out of time. That’s on me Commander, not you. It will be different this time. I’ll be better, I’ll get stronger, and I _will_ get you to the Omega-4 Relay, there and back again in one piece I swear it. I _won’t_ let anyone down like that again.”

“Jeff,” Shepard whispered, and suddenly he was enveloped in a hug.

It was kind of awkward, being in his chair and all, but he appreciated it. Shepard was warm against him, he could hear her breath and feel her heart beat and he closed his eyes and hugged her back. _Alive_. She was alive. And this time, nothing was going to take her away from him. He’d make sure of that.

“I want you to know, that I’ve never ever blamed you.” Shepard said as she let go, keeping her head close to his, close enough to count the freckles over her nose. “I blame me, and you blame you, but maybe it’s not about who’s to blame. Let’s not blame ourselves, you know we both did all we could but it was just out of our control. In fact, if we have to blame anyone, let’s blame the damn Collectors, alright? It wasn’t your fault, or my fault, it was theirs.”

“Yeah. Alright.” He said hoarsely.

He sure as hell didn’t believe it, but it seemed to make Shepard happier as she finally sat back in the co-pilot chair and drained the contents of her cup in one big gulp.

“When did our conversations get so heavy?” she mumbled.

“I know right? When the galaxy is just chock full of rainbows and sunshine,” Joker replied.

She chuckled quietly, and went to reach up to grab the gin bottle again when Joker frowned.

“Hey now, go easy on that stuff.” He warned.

“I’m 28…30? Whatever, either way I can hole my liquor Joker I’m a marine,”

“Still, take it easy. Don’t want the Commander to be hung over when we hit planet-side tomorrow,”

She huffed and put the bottle back. “Yes mother,” she mocked.

“Hey if being your mother keeps you alive I’ll take it,” Joker shrugged.

“You’d have to start wearing curlers to bed,” Shepard pointed out.

“My hat wouldn’t fit other them.”

“You wear your hat to bed?” Shepard said incredulously.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Joker winked.

Shepard laughed.

“Well Mr. Moreau you certainly know how to keep a girl up all night with such tantalizing thoughts,” she teased. “But I should hit the hay, lest your risqué talk make me blush,”

“Very well madam, if that is all you can take upon listening to this handsome devil,” Joker smirked. “I shall see you on the morrow good lady,”

Shepard chuckled as she got up. “Get yourself to bed soon too Joker, I need my favourite pilot well rested,”

“If you insist, I’ll just put us on the FTL,” he conceded.

“Good man. Goodnight Joker,”

“Night Whiskers.”

Shepard rolled her eyes at the nickname, and headed down the CIC and into the elevator, up to her cabin. She thought about trying to cover the window above her bed so she could sleep, but be found that thinking of Joker and their light-hearted banter filled her thoughts from terror-filled nightmares, and she fell sound asleep, a smile on her face.  


	4. Chapter 4

“Wish I had popcorn.” Joker commented as he watched the ground team’s video feed through Garrus’s helmet cam.

“Eating at the control panel is not advisable Mr. Moreau,” EDI said.

Joker rolled his eyes. “Of course not. But how else am I supposed to watch the show?”

“I do not understand.”

“Ugh. Don’t worry,” Joker sighed.

He switched on his squad comms with one eyebrow raised as he flipped down his microphone.

“Is headbutting a krogan ambassador really necessary Commander? You looking to start a war?” he said dryly.

Shepard shrugged. “He was annoying me.”

Joker barked out a laugh as Garrus chuckled behind her.

“Only you Shepard,” the turian muttered as their Commander grinned and ushered Grunt along to see Urdnot Wrex.

“Still, try not to piss off an entire clan of krogan while you’re down there,” Joker said.

“No promises.” Shepard answered. “If he interferes with Grunt’s Rite of Passage even I won’t be able to save his life,”

“Yeah about that, you sure that’s a good idea? We’ve no idea what a krogan rite of passage even is,”

“Oh come on Joker, we’ve been through hell and back, how hard could it be?”

It turns out, very hard.

The monsters she could deal with, the varren were child’s play, but she felt a shiver run up her spine as the Thresher Maw reared its ugly head out of the ground.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” she shrieked as she ran out of the way of its piercing attack and ducked behind a fragile pillar.

“What were you saying about it being easy?” Joker said through the comms.

“You’re funny for a pilot,” Shepard snapped, pulling out her experimental stolen Collector beam and shooting it at the beast, praying Tali had made the necessary adjustments so it didn’t explode.

The Collector beam was more overpowered than she anticipated, and the power of the beam knocked her back and whizzed passed the Thresher Maw’s head, making it spit angrily at her as she fell back behind a stone wall.

“Nice shot,” Joker smirked, switching his view to Shepard’s helmet cam.

“Shut up.” She muttered as she aimed at the creature again. “You remember what this can do to the Normandy?”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“I would, with you in it.”

“Savage.” Joker whispered. “I yield my lady,”

“Good,” Shepard blew off the head of the Thresher Maw and stepped out from cover.

The great beast shrieked a dying cry and slumped on the ground over the arena, making a cloud of dust. Shepard climbed onto the head, that had fallen a little distance away, poking at it with the toe of her boot.

“ _No_.” Joker said firmly into her comm.

“What?” she said defensively.

“You cannot mount that on your wall. It’s bigger than the Normandy,”

Shepard huffed, and he could tell she was pouting.

“You never let me have any fun,” she muttered as she climbed off the Thresher Maw.

“I think that’s best for everyone Shepard,” Garrus grinned.

“Can it Vakarian,” Shepard cocked her assault rifle over her shoulder and sauntered passed him.

“Now now, don’t take it out on Garrus,” Joker smirked. “We both know he’s right.”

“I hate you both,” Shepard declared, snapping a thermal clip firmly into her gun and rolling her eyes.

“Love you too Shepard,” Garrus chuckled.

Shepard sent him an exasperated but fond smile, and Joker couldn’t help feel a stab of jealousy at not being the one on the receiving end of that smile. It was only until Shepard re-joined the Normandy, and he felt her hand on his shoulder as he flew them out of Tuchanka did he feel better.

“Next time you feel like hanging out with Thresher Maws Commander, could you maybe remind Wrex that you’re not as durable as a krogan?” he said lightly.

“Aw Joker, is that concern I hear?” Shepard teased.

“Not at all, just thought the crew would appreciate it if their Commander wasn’t torn to pieces before the mission was over,” Joker replied. He glanced back at Shepard, and frowned at the tear in her armour.

“You’re injured.” He said numbly, as though the thought of her possibly being injured had never occurred to him before.

“Huh? Oh that, yeah a piece of debris hit me in the arm. It’s just a scratch, nothing major.” Shepard dismissed.

“Still, should get it checked out. You know how Chakwas is.”

Shepard shuddered. “Yeah, you’re right. To the medbay then,”

As Shepard left the cockpit, Joker turned back to focus on navigation, trying not to think about how seeing Shepard injured had made him feel.

“Mr. Moreau, your heartbeat has increased tenfold, you are emotionally distraught. May I be of assistance?” EDI said.

“No. I’m fine.” He snapped. Then he paused, and sighed. “You can give me a reading on Shepard’s medical condition whenever she’s on the field though, that would help.”

“Very well Mr. Moreau.”      

Joker sighed. She was right, it was only a tiny scratch, and Joker had seen her with worse injuries in the past. But still, he had always thought of her as indestructible before, invulnerable and unstoppable no matter how many injures she got. Seeing her die changed that, made him realise just how fragile life was, and how every injury could be her last. It didn’t sit well with him.

He’d never been worried about Shepard during missions before, he couldn’t let this affect him, there was no telling how he could screw up the mission if he let his concern come before his duty. Maybe he was starting to understand why the Alliance had regs against emotional attachment.     

 

 

Hours later, he sat in the mess with a few of the late-night crew members, staring dully down at his food, his mind dwelling on the scowling red gash on Shepard’s arm. He couldn’t get it out of his head, no matter how he tried.

“Something wrong with the food?”

He glanced up in surprise as he saw Shepard slide in with her own tray of food in front of him.

“You mean besides the fact that it’s not food? No not at all,” Joker said with a shrug.

“Don’t be picky,” Shepard commented, digging into her own…whatever it was.

“Hey just because you have no taste buds, doesn’t mean we all do.” Joker sniffed.

Shepard giggled. “You think this food is bad? Should have seen the supplies the colony got when I was a girl. The only thing edible was protein bars,”

“No wonder you live off them,” Joker shuddered, exaggerating the action to make her laugh again.

He smiled. She had such a cute laugh for such a tough woman.

“How’s the arm Whiskers?” he asked.

“All patched up,” she said proudly. “Not even an infection.”

“Good.” That was a weight off Joker’s shoulders. “Be more careful in future, that armour looked expensive.”

Shepard laughed. “I daresay it was, knowing Cerberus.”

“And don’t forgot your own Cerberus hardware, there’s a solid investment. Gotta protect that, hence the fancy armour.”

“You sound jealous of my armour,” Shepard smirked.

“It’s purple!”

“Exactly.” Shepard’s grin was smug. “Jealous.”

“Why would I want to walk into a battlefield like a glowing target?” Joker rolled his eyes. “You’re the only N7 who would dare wear something so bright into battle,”

“I started as a dare. Garrus bet me that I wouldn’t dare wear something so dangerously obvious in battle, so I painted my armour purple to prove him wrong.”

“Great. Good to know that if you get shot I have Garrus to blame for making you a walking target. You really will take him up on any bet won’t you?”

“I can’t let Vakarian win any of our bets Joker, I have a reputation.”

“You’re crazy.”

“Maybe.” Shepard giggled, pointing at him with her fork. “But what does that say about my crew?”

“That we’re extremely unlucky?”

“Ouch. That hurt Flight Lieutenant,”

“Suck it up princess,”

Shepard snorted. “Princess?”

“You don’t like being called princess, Commander?” Joker teased.

“Do I look like a princess to you?”

“Well, you’re as beautiful as one for sure. But you’re a hundred times better than a princess. Maybe like a Queen.” Joker said mildly.

Shepard’s face flushed. She dug into her food in an attempt to hide it, but Joker caught it easily, having been watching her face closely.

“Are you…blushing?”

“ _No_.” She said firmly. “I have a fever,”

“Uh-huh. Whatever you say my Queen,”

“Joker!”

Joker laughed. “Aw Whiskers, you don’t like my nicknames? I’m hurt.”

“You know I don’t recall ever giving you the permission to call me Whiskers either,” Shepard glared.

“Well then you shouldn’t have gotten drunk and asked me to draw them on your face.” Joker grinned.

That had been a memorable night. It started out tragically, just after Virmire. Kaidan had stormed off, furious at being saved over Ashley because of Shepard’s feelings for him, and Joker was wanted to punch him for leaving her alone. What kind of man left the woman he claimed to care about on her own after she’d been forced to sacrifice a friend? Joker had gone to her, knowing someone had to keep her company.

They had ended up getting pretty drunk that night, and Shepard had insisted she was a cat, and wanted Joker to draw whiskers on her cheeks, which he did. She was a cuddly drunk he remembered, and just like a cat she’d curled up on the couch with him and rested against him, falling asleep. Joker had always admired her, but it was probably then that he realised he was in love with her. But things would never work out that way. Shepard was happily together with his buddy Kaidan, and though Joker silently resented him for that, he knew it was his own fault.

The best man had won, early on they’d both knew they’d fight over Shepard, who wouldn't want to fight for a girl like her? But Kaidan was just a little more forward than Joker, and made the first move before him. And that was okay with Joker. It’s not like Shepard would ever feel anything for him that wasn’t just friendship, and he was happy for them both. Besides, what would a girl like her want with a cripple like him? They were friends, best friends, and he was happy with that.

“You’re never going to let me live that down are you?” Shepard groaned.

“Never Commander.” Joker chuckled.

They ate together in a comfortable silence, and eventually the Cerberus crew retired for the night cycle, leaving Shepard to read her datapad and Joker to stare at her unsuspecting form. She was always so much more, their Commander, so unlike anyone he’d ever met.

Every now and then, she’d glance up from her datapad, and they’d smile at each other before she looked down again and got back to work. It was a comfortable arrangement.

“Commander, the Illusive Man would like to speak with you in the Conference Room.” EDI’s voice interrupted their silence.

Shepard rolled her eyes. “Wonder what he wants now?” she muttered.

“Probably only wants to thank you for all your hard work,” Joker said sarcastically.

Shepard snorted and got up, leaving for the elevator to go up to the Conference Room to see what the Illusive Man wanted. Minutes later, as Joker was cleaning up after his meal, Shepard’s voice broke through their private comms.

“Joker, set our coordinates to Horizon. We have a colony to save.”

“Aye aye Commander.”

Horizon. Why did that give him a bad feeling?     


	5. Chapter 5

“Mordin, are you sure this is going to work against those swarms?” Garrus asked dubiously as the team geared up for their mission.

“Only one way to find out. Need to test against many.” Mordin answered.

“Great.” Shepard muttered. “Well, we’ve headed into worse odds. Get to the shuttle, we’re moving out.”

Shepard sighed as she made her way to the cockpit. She rested her hand on Joker’s shoulder as usual, looking out at the planet they were about to descend to.

“How are we looking?” she asked.

“Still no communication from the colony Commander. That’s not a good sign, but we’re getting readings from the Collector ship, so they must still be there.”

“Maybe we’re not too late to save some people,” Shepard said hopefully.

“Yeah, and maybe the Collectors will take you back as part of their collection,” Joker scowled.

“What’s wrong Joker?” Shepard frowned. “You’re more hostile than usual.”

“Nothing.” Joker sighed. “I just don’t like this.”

“Well I’m not too fond of it myself. But someone has to do it.” Shepard replied. “Just make sure to wait for my signal, and stay clear of the Collector ship. We’re not losing another Normandy to those bastards.”

“Aye aye Commander,” Joker said.

Shepard nodded, and put on her helmet. Grabbing her assault rifle from the rack near the cockpit she went to head out to the shuttle and her team.

“Katherine?” Joker called before she left.

She paused, and turned, eyes wide and curious.

“Yes Jeff?” she asked.

“Be…be careful down there.” Joker wet his lips, swallowing nervously. “There’s only one Commander Shepard after all, I don’t want to lose another one.”

Shepard smiled warmly. “I’m always careful Joker,”

Joker raised an eyebrow. “That’s you being careful? Hate to see you being reckless then.”

Shepard laughed. “See you on the flipside Joker,”

“Yeah. See ya Commander,” Joker turned back in his chair, fiddling with the screens, pulling up Shepard’s health condition readings on one side, and switching on his feed from her helmet cam on the other.

He held his breath as he walked the shuttle descend to the planet. Something about the Collectors just made his blood freeze. He had absolute faith in Shepard though, even if his nerves wouldn’t agree with him and he couldn’t stop his knuckles going white as he gripped the arm of his chair. Shepard and her team fought through the husks and other grotesque creatures that were prowling through the colony in search of humans, all while Joker sat wincing in his chair.

And he was an ex-Alliance pilot, he’d seen a lot of bad things in his service, so if he was freaked out by the creatures then they were bad, Joker didn’t scare easily. Plus, husks meant Reapers, now it really was like old times. He nearly fell out of his chair when suddenly his entire view was covered by a husk as it leapt onto Shepard’s face. It only lasted a moment before Shepard pried it off and blasted its head off with a disgusted noise, but it was enough to send Joker into panic overdrive.

“Hey Commander?” he said casually over their private comms. “I know you’re a people-person and everything, but uh, maybe it’s not a good idea to get so close and personal with a husk.”

“The others didn’t jump in your face like that,” Shepard complained. “Slow and zombie-like, sure. Jumping in your face and trying to rip your head off? That’s new.”

“Well stay sharp, we kinda need your head attached to your shoulders.” Joker said.

“Your concern is overwhelming,” Shepard muttered.

“What can I say? I’m a lover, not a fighter.” Joker replied, as Shepard filled another husk full of bullets. “I see that you though, are more of a fighter,”

“I can be a lover too,” Shepard sounded…flirtatious? Was she flirting with him?

No, Joker recognised that tone. She was joking around with him. It wasn’t the first time she’d made those types of jokes with her crew, and it wouldn’t be the last. Still, Joker couldn’t stop his heart beating faster, even as he glared at EDI’s inquiry about his health.

“Ha! That’s 72 for me!” Shepard cheered as she took down another husk.

“You’re getting slow Shepard,” Garrus commented, still looking down the scope of his sniper. He pulled the trigger, getting in a headshot of a nearby husk. “75 for me.”

“Hey, it’s not that easy getting in shots when you’re being attacked by a swarm of husks, unlike you who stays tucked away in a corner safe and hidden.” Shepard sniffed.

“You calling me a coward Shepard?”

“Not at all Vakarian, but if the shoe fits…”

Garrus looked nonplussed. “What does that even mean?”

Shepard chuckled. “Nevermind. Let’s keep going,”

“Glad to see you’re having fun,” Joker said dryly.

“Always find a certain pleasure in my work Joker. That’s why my criteria for the perfect crewmate has to be a sense of humour,”

“Yes, because Miranda is simply a barrel of laughs,” Joker rolled his eyes. “Even EDI has a better sense of humour than her,”

“You never know, she may just be waiting to spring the perfect pun in mid-conversation,” Shepard said easily. “She might secretly be hilarious.”

“I shudder to think about it. Miranda, smile? _Laugh_? You’re going to give me nightmares Whiskers,”

Shepard’s laughter was drowned out by gunfire as the team encountered more enemies, but it made him smile nonetheless. That was one thing he found so endearing about Shepard. Well, maybe endearing wasn’t the right word. He just loved the fact that she could joke around with her friends while in the heat of battle and still be the deadly badass warrior she was without missing a beat. Her sense of humour was one of the very first things he’d grown to love about her when they first met on the Normandy SR-1.

Sometimes Joker still cringed internally when he thought about the hostile fashion in which he treated his Commander when they first met, especially when she’d asked about his service record, and like an idiot he had gotten all defensive about his disease which she hadn’t even known about in the first place. He’d made a real ass of himself that day. It had taken quite a lot to man up and apologise to Shepard for his rude behaviour – he didn’t say sorry very often, least of all for his conduct, any other Commander would have had to suck it up and deal with it, but Shepard was different – and they’d managed to get along quite well after that.

Now, Joker was honoured to be in her crew and even more honoured to be among those she called friend. Not that he believed he deserved that title sometimes; despite what Shepard had said about her death not being his fault, he still had that same nightmare every night, keeping his guilt on the forefront of his thoughts.

Speaking of guilt, the Collector ship he could see from Shepard’s cam-feed made him unnerved. More in just the usual way it would unnerve someone anyway. It felt almost…familiar. He shivered.

“EDI, can you do a scan of that ship’s signature?”

“Scanning now.”

“Do you have the records from the old Normandy?”

“Yes, the original Normandy’s archives are stored in my software.”

“Good, when you’ve done the scan see if you can find any similarities to the signature of the other Collector ship we encountered,” Joker ordered.

“Scanning. Scanning complete. Accessing archives. Match. The Collector ship that destroyed the original Normandy, and this ship, have an identical signature. It is the same ship.” EDI reported.

Joker’s blood ran cold. No wonder the ship gave him the creeps. 

“Commander…” he swallowed. “You’re not going to like this,”

“What is it Joker? I’m kind of in the middle of – ” he heard an explosion, and suddenly his video feed was cut off.

“Commander?!” he cried. “Shepard!”

Static ran in his private comm channel, and he switched to the squad comm, hoping to hear from Garrus or Mordin.

“What’s going on down there?” he demanded.

“We’re okay!” Joker breathed a sigh of relief when he heard Shepard’s voice over the squad comm. “We’ve got a big one incoming! EDI, can you access the target system of the colony’s defence tower from there?”

“Yes Shepard, however it will take a while to achieve connection. The electronic signal will likely attract more Collectors.” EDI responded.

“Then do it! We’ll keep the Collectors busy! Mordin, cover me! I’m going after the big guy!”

“Shepard!” Joker panicked.

He couldn’t see what was going on, and he didn’t like it. He hated it when his video feed got taken out, not being able to see the action was nerve-wracking, he hated flying blind. Only hearing the sounds of battle and the shouts of orders from Shepard over the carnage was a great way to exercise his ‘don’t get too emotionally invested’ plan. Not.

“Shepard. I have established connection; however, I need you to active my control at the console by the tower.” EDI reported. 

He stayed quiet, not wanting to distract her while she was fighting, and eventually the sounds of battle ceased. After a moment, a shaky connection was made, and he had visual feeds back online, though they were slightly damaged from the hit Shepard had taken earlier. But, he could see, and that was all that mattered. His eyes turned to the scan of the ship, and they widened when he realised the ship was on the move.

“Shepard, the Collector ship is moving!”

“Dammit. Stay out of its sights Joker!”

For what good it would do, he engaged stealth procedures. Last time they’d seen straight through it, but they’d upgraded the stealth devices since then. Hopefully it would be enough so they’d fly under the radar. He watched as Shepard watched the Collector ship take off, the surviving colonist from earlier running out and demanding she stop it. Of course she couldn’t do anything, but he didn’t want to listen to that.

“I’m sorry, I did all I could.” Shepard’s voice was filled with regret.

“You did more than most Shepard.” Garrus said.

“Shepard? I know that name,” the colonist frowned suspiciously. “You’re some big-time Alliance hero aren’t you?”

“Commander Shepard, Captain of the Normandy, the first human Spectre, Saviour of the Citadel.” An unlikely face came out from the wreckage, and Joker balked.

Shepard hadn’t mentioned anything about Kaidan being on Horizon.

“You’re in the presence of a legend. And a ghost.” Kaidan went on.

“Kaidan!” Shepard sounded relieved to have found him alive, and Joker couldn’t help but smile at the happiness in her voice.

Sure, it was good to see an old friend again. Shepard must have been really worried about Kaidan since she woke up, but she never said anything to anyone, just kept it all bottled up to herself. Classic Shepard. Never troubling others with her concerns. Kaidan looked hesitant as he walked up to Shepard, but he hugged her tightly, and Joker felt her sigh in relief.

“I thought you were dead Shepard, we all did.” Kaidan said.

“It’s been too long Kaidan,” Shepard smiled. “How…have you been?”

“That all you have to say? You show up after two years and act like nothing’s happened?” Kaidan scowled. “I thought we had something Shepard, something _real_.”

Shepard almost held in her tiny gasp, almost. But Joker heard it. Just like he could hear her heart breaking.

“I _loved_ you.” Kaidan spat. “Thinking you were dead tore me apart, how could you put me through that? Why didn’t you try to contact me, let me know you were alive?!”

“Kaidan!” Shepard cried.

“Don’t ‘Kaidan’ me Shepard, I had a right to know you were alive!”

“It’s not like I asked to be killed by the Collectors!” Shepard snapped. “You think you’re so smart, you think you have all the answers don’t you? Kaidan I was _dead_! One minute, I’m suffocating in space, and the next I’m waking up in a Cerberus facility being told it’s been two years since I was conscious! You think I didn’t try to find you as soon as I woke up? Anderson wouldn’t let me near you!”

“Cerberus?” Kaidan narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

Leave it to Kaidan to only hear what he wanted to hear.

“You’re with Cerberus now?” the accusation made Joker’s blood boil.

“Didn’t you listen to a word she just said?” Garrus snapped. “Is that all your Alliance-minded brain can think about?”

“Garrus too? You’re with them?” Kaidan turned his accusing eyes on the turian.

“I’m _with_ Shepard.” Garrus’ growl was deadly. “Unlike you, I’m loyal enough to actually trust in her leadership and follow her to the ends of the galaxy.”

“Garrus, enough.” Shepard said softly, voice heavy and defeated. “Kaidan, the Alliance won’t do anything to help the colonies being abducted, the Council won’t do anything either, Cerberus is the only one willing to do something. I’m not working for them; I’m temporarily working with them to stop the Collectors.”

“I can’t believe the reports were right,” Kaidan glared.

“Kaidan you know me!” Shepard cried. “You know I wouldn’t do this unless I had no other choice!”

“I don’t know you anymore Shepard.” Kaidan said. “You turned your back on everything we stood for, you betrayed the Alliance, you betrayed me. The woman I loved is dead, the one in front of me is a stranger.”

Kaidan didn’t let her answer, stalking off before she could muster up any kind of retort. Joker heard her uneven breathing through their comms.

“Say the word and I shoot him down from orbit,” Joker growled.

“No.” Shepard murmured. “Just…come pick us up Joker. I’ve had enough of this colony.”

With a heavy heart, Joker did as instructed. He knew Shepard enough to know she’d never break down in front of her crew, she’d put on a show to make it appear like everything was alright. But when he didn’t feel her hand on his shoulder he knew something was very, very wrong.

Shepard had headed straight to her cabin without even telling Joker where to fly. With no destination Joker was just flying aimlessly through space, though he desperately wanted to get up and go to her he knew he needed to stay by the helm.

Hours passed. The night cycle was fully in effect and when Shepard hadn’t come down with coffee like she had made the habit of doing, Joker had had enough of waiting.

“EDI, anything from Shepard’s room?” he asked after a while.

“Negative.”

Joker sighed. “Alright. Take the helm EDI, set a course for Tuchunka, I have a feeling Shepard could use some downtime with Wrex.”

“Yes Mr. Moreau.”

Reaching up, he grabbed his bottle of gin. Joker then got up and slowly hobbled his way down the CIC and to the elevator up to Shepard’s cabin. After asking if she was asleep and receiving a negative from EDI, Joker limped to the door of her cabin, and paused.

He was nervous. He’d never been in Shepard’s cabin before, on the original Normandy she slept in pods with the rest of the crew. But Joker pushed passed his nerves and went in unannounced, not wanting to risk being sent away at the door.

She was sitting on the edge of her bed, staring down at a photo of Kaidan. Joker put the bottle of gin on her desk and made his way over to her, gently taking the photo from her and sitting down next to her as she looked up at him, looking surprised.

“Joker, I didn’t hear you.” She said listlessly.

“I figured you needed a pick-me-up. I brought booze,” Joker said.

“I…thanks.” Shepard looked back down at her hands, shoulders slumping sadly.

Joker shifted uneasily. “Listen, Commander…about Kaidan –”   

“How could he not trust me?” Shepard burst out. “After everything we’ve been through, how could be not believe me?”

Joker sat silently, letting her talk, knowing this was what she needed. These thoughts were running through her head for hours and she needed to let them out.

“Kaidan should know better than that,” she went on. “He knows me; why wouldn’t he listen? All he cares about is Cerberus, he’s so blinded by hatred he can’t see the real threat. He thinks I’m some kind of Cerberus pet now, a puppet they’re controlling.”

She paused.

“What if he’s right?” she murmured. “What if they are just using me, and I can’t do anything but work with them? What if they brought me back to believe I was doing the right thing by working with Cerberus? Did they brainwash me? Or am I just a Cerberus piece of tech…that thinks it’s Commander Shepard…”

“No.” Joker cut in firmly. “You’re still you. You haven’t changed at all. You’re a little rougher around the edges maybe, but hell I think dying would do that to anyone. You’re not a Cerberus tool you’re still the same Shepard we all knew and loved.”

“Kaidan doesn’t think so,” Shepard said gloomily.

“Then Kaidan is a moron!” Joker snapped. “Ask anyone – you’re you! You think I’d follow a Shepard that was just a clone, a Cerberus robot?”

“It’s not the same Joker. You knew Cerberus was bringing me back,” Shepard denied.

“None of the others did though. Ask any of them right now, they all know it’s still you. Garrus knows it, Tali knows it, Liara and Wrex know it! None of us questioned you, none of us think of you any differently, so tell me why you think Kaidan’s opinion is the only one that matters when the rest of us know the truth?” 

That drew Shepard’s argument to a close.

“Katherine,” Joker said pleadingly. “We knew you before, and we’re travelling with you now. If you were really different, we would know. We’d notice and we wouldn’t trust you. But we do. A clone or VI wouldn’t be able to act like you for as long as this in such close quarters we’d know something was wrong, Kaidan saw you for thirty seconds and probably condemned you the second he saw you on Horizon anyway. If he wants to walk away from such an amazing woman like you then he sure as hell never deserved you, and he doesn’t deserve your tears or your guilt. He’s an idiot, and when he comes to his senses and realised what a mistake he’s made he’ll come grovelling at your feet, and you won’t let him get a toe in the door will you?”

“…No.” Shepard answered. “I need people I can trust, who have my back. People who haven’t abandoned me despite all that’s happened.”

“See?” Joker said gently. “I know it hurts now, but it’s going to be okay.”

Shepard was silent for a long time, before she slid her eyes in Joker’s direction. “You said you brought drinks?”

Joker smirked and nodded, getting up to get the bottle. Shepard produced two glasses from her desk and the two cracked open the bottle and gave a silent ‘cheers’ before beginning to drink, just like they’d done after Virmire, where Kaidan had abandoned her the first time. Joker knew then that Kaidan wasn’t right for her, looks like he was correct. 

“Thanks Joker,” Shepard said when they were four or five drinks in. “I really needed this.”

“We’ve been through a lot,” Joker said. “We’ve been friends a long time; it wouldn’t be right for me to leave you like this. You’d do the same for me,”

“That’s different, I’m the Commander. I have to look after my crew.”

“Yeah well this crew member has to take care of his Commander too.” Joker replied. “Anything you need Katherine, I’m always here, you know that.”

Shepard smiled. “Thanks Jeff. I really do appreciate it. I’m glad you’re here,”

Joker smiled back. “Me too. After all what other pilot would be insane enough to fly his ship into the Omega-4 Relay?”

Shepard chuckled. “What Commander would be insane enough to order it?”

“Well no one ever accused us of being sane,” Joker smirked.

“Not today anyway.”

Joker inclined his head. “Speaking of which, I thought you’d like to beat up some more Thresher Maws, either that or challenge Wrex to a drinking contest. Either way, I set EDI of the FTL for Tuchunka. Take some time, unwind, shoot stuff, blow something up, get your head in the game before we take off again.”

Shepard gave him a warm smile. “Thanks…really, thank you. What would I do without you Joker?”

“Crash and burn probably,” Joker shrugged.

Shepard laughed. “Probably.”

“A toast then, to the best pilot in the galaxy, and his ass-kicking Commander.”

They raised their glasses, clinking them together before continuing to drink. They drank until the bottle was empty, and Shepard ended up laughing with Joker as they shared old stories on their past, and of the old Normandy and its crew.

Eventually, Shepard fell sound asleep, and Joker took his leave from her cabin after covering her with a blanket for warmth. Before he left, he took the picture of Kaidan, and resolved to chuck it out of the airlock as he made his way slowly down to the crew deck to get some well-earned rest.  

(When the rest of the crew found out about the events on Horizon – which wasn’t all that long, gossip spread through the ship like wildfire – Joker was informed that Kaidan had several threatening and angry messages coming his way from the crew of the Normandy, and he found himself smiling as he thought of Shepard’s new team, just as loyal and steadfast as the last.)


	6. Chapter 6

“You’re not heading down to the party Joker?”

Joker glanced up from the datapad he was reading and shook his head.

“Nah, I don’t think Tuchunka really agrees with me. You go and have fun Commander,”

Shepard made a face at him. Was she…pouting?

“Joker,” she whined. “You were the one who told me to come here and unwind, you should too.”

“Unwind at a krogan war party? That’s definitely more your thing Shepard,” Joker said sardonically. “I’m surprised you even survived the last party Wrex threw, isn’t krogan liquor toxic to humans?”

Shepard shrugged. “My Cerberus implants are useful for something I guess. You can’t let a krogan see you show weakness Joker, you have to establish dominance that’s how their society works.”

“And you want me to go down there? Me – the guy who could snap a femur just by getting up?” Joker raised an eyebrow.

Shepard looked sheepish. “Well, if you put it that way…maybe the Citadel would have been a better place for shore leave,”

Joker smirked. “Now now Katherine, we both know ‘shore leave’ for you, means helping Wrex take down a rival clan in bloody and explosive action, maybe taking down a thresher maw on the way. There’s no relaxation for you, if we made you sit down without a gun for more than five minutes you’d go stir crazy.”

Shepard laughed. “Yeah. I guess you’re right. And Grunt is very excited to take down the clan of that damn krogan that tried to kill us. Since he’s tank-born I sort of just decided that his birthday would be the day he was accepted into Clan Urdnot, so this is like a belated birthday present for him.”

“A birthday gift for a tank-born krogan? And it’s tearing up his enemies? The way you treat Grunt like your kid is kinda disturbing Commander. Cute, but disturbing.” He joked

Shepard rolled her eyes. “I do not treat him like a son.”

“Sure you don’t. Taking him to Tuchunka to find out if he’s ill, helping him become a man, listening to his ramblings about turians, buying him actions figures?” Joker looked smug as Shepard flushed red.

“Shut up.” She demanded. “So I have a soft spot for Grunt, so what?”

“Hey I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. Like I said, cute, but disturbing. It’s disturbing how well you fit the role of a krogan mother. You ever think about that?”

“Well I am now,” Shepard frowned. “Thanks for the image.”

“Anytime.” Joker smirked. “Now, you go and have fun shooting up some krogans. The sane crew members will be here,”

Shepard stuck out her tongue and turned to go to the airlock, chuckling at Joker’s call of “Real mature Commander!” as she left.

The crew members that had come with her on this excursion were Garrus and Jack. Garrus because he liked the heat of battle as much as the next soldier and would go anywhere if Shepard asked him to, and Jack because she was insane and loved to fight to the point of being, well, insane. How Shepard managed to get along with her Joker would never understand, the woman terrified him. Not that he’d ever tell Jack that. Or Shepard for that matter. Never know what girls talk about what you’re not around.

 

After about 48 hours of shooting and throwing grenades and celebrating victory with varren-fights and krogan drinking competition – and no small amount of leg wrestling – Shepard and the team returned victorious and rowdy, passing the drinks along to the crew and making their own entertainments in the crew deck. The crew seemed to enjoy the party, although Joker knew they’d be feeling the effects come the next day.

“Joker you’re not drinking with us,” the Commander had a lazy smile and a slightly-glazed over look as she slipped into the co-pilot’s chair beside Joker.

“Someone has to drive this thing,” he said.

“EDI can’t do it?” Shepard frowned.

“I am perfectly capable of minding the ship and taking over flight controls should we need to depart if you wish to participate in the celebrations tonight Mr. Moreau.” EDI said.  

“Come on Joker, have a drink with me.” Shepard beamed. “I want you to meet someone. A new addition to the family. I named her Viper.”

“Viper?” Joker’s eye bugged out of his head. “Commander, tell me you didn’t.”

“What?” Shepard pouted. “So I may have adopted a varren, so what?”

“You brought a _varren_ onto the Normandy?” Joker blanched. “Shepard are you insane? How much have you had to drink?”

“Lost count.” Shepard said. “But I think the Cerberus tech processes the alcohol a little too well. I don’t think I can get more than tipsy now. Well, unless I drink like a whole damn lot anyway.”

“Let’s not put it to the test shall we?” Joker rolled his eyes. “I can’t believe you brought a varren back with you. You know most people go for a magnet as a souvenir, or a t-shirt.”

“It’s only a pup.” Shepard defended. “Wrex gave her to me. It was a gift, I could hardly say no, and she was just so cute.”

Joker groaned.

“Don’t worry, she’ll stay in my cabin until she’s properly trained. But you’re avoiding the subject, come party with me Joker!”

“If I come party with you, you promise to not bring home dangerous animals?”

“You bet.” Shepard grinned.

Joker sighed. “Alright. Mind the ship EDI.”

A little reluctantly, Joker got up and followed Shepard down the CIC. He was slow, moving was never very easy, but Shepard matched pace with him without making it look like a charitable gesture, which Joker appreciated. They went down to the crew deck together and joined the party. There was music playing, and people were dancing and drinking and even singing – Mordin and Dr. Chakwas were leading the karaoke competition.

Joker didn’t partake in parties much, but he accepted the drink Shepard handed him and sat down with her at the mess table, watching the crew unwind and relax. Shepard laughed at Mordin’s singing, and was unwillingly dragged into the song by Chakwas half-way through. Shepard had a terrible singing voice, but hell if it wasn’t amusing to watch her attempt to keep pace with Mordin.

Daniels and Donnelly wanted her to dance with them, but Shepard’s personal team begged her not to. Joker laughed along with them, but wondered where the rumour that Shepard couldn’t dance came from. He knew that she loved to dance when she was a girl, she’d told him, was she really such a terrible dancer nowadays? Maybe one day he’d ask her.

The party was rowdy, but it got worse when Jack and Kasumi started sparring over the tables, both laughing their heads off. Joker just hoped _his_ head wouldn’t come off tonight. Shepard eventually wandered back over to him and tugged him to his feet, guiding him away from the party crowd and out to the observation deck. The music was cut off once the door shut, and Joker sighed in appreciation for the silence, watching Shepard take a seat and looking out at the stars.

“Should you be looking out there?” he asked, waddling over to take a seat next to her.

“Have to face it sooner or later, I’m a marine.” She shrugged. “It’s not so bad when I’m inside looking out. I know I’m safe in here. Once I’m out there, well…that’s different.”

Joker hummed in response.

“But I thought you could use a break from the chaos, you seemed like you were getting a headache.” She smiled.

“Just dodging Kasumi’s knives, nothing dramatic.” Joker said mildly.

Shepard chuckled. “Just a regular Tuesday night aboard the Normandy,”

Joker snorted in amusement. “Something told me when I stole the Normandy for that shake-down run back in the day that this ship was going to be the craziest experience I’d ever had.”

“No regrets Joker?” Shepard smirked.

“Not at all.” Joker responded. “In all my career I’ve only had one regret, and that was losing you and the original Normandy.”

“Joker…”

“I know you don’t blame me Kat,” Joker sighed. “Doesn’t mean I don’t. I keep seeing it when in my dreams, keep watching you drift into space and die. I’ve tried not to think about it but…”

“It never seems to leave your mind,” Shepard murmured with a nod. “I get that.”

“You dream too?”

“Almost every night.” Shepard frowned. “Suffocating, cold piercing my body, drifting through emptiness and darkness. Scares the hell out of me. I don’t actually remember it, not in detail, but when I wake I just remember not breathing, and being so terribly cold. It’s not a pleasant feeling. And you’ve had two years with your dreams, I can understand why it would be hard to let it go.”

Joker nodded. “I don’t think it’s just me though. I think the whole team blamed themselves at some point, to some degree. But it was my ship, that made it my responsibility.”

“It wasn’t –”

“Think of this way. You’re the Commander, you felt responsible for Ash’s death even though you did all you could. You felt responsible for Nihlus and Jenkins dying through you tried your best to help them. You feel guilty about the colonists you haven’t been able to save from the Collectors even though you’re doing everything humanly possible. Even if you know these things aren’t your fault specifically, you still feel that guilt, because you feel it’s your responsibility to save them.” Joker cut in.

Shepard fell silent.

“I guess you’re right.” She said eventually.    

“It’s something I just have to live with, like you do.” Joker sighed.

“I wish you didn’t have to.”

“I wish _you_ didn’t have to,” Joker fixed her a look. “You’re too hard on yourself Kat.”

“And you’re not?” Shepard raised an eyebrow.

“Are you kidding me? I’m fantastic to myself.” Joker grinned.

Shepard shook her head fondly. “Our conversations keep getting so deep.”

“Well this might help. You remember that time you completely wailed on Kaidan?”

Shepard smiled, chuckling quietly. “You mean when we first met?”

“Yeah, and he said something about questioning your ability on the battlefield and you fully challenged him to a duel right then and there,” Joker grinned. “Man I’ve never seen a guy beat up so badly before, and I knew Kaidan was damn tough, so to see you completely destroy him was hilarious. He was nursing his pride after that one I tell you,”

Shepard laughed.

“But turns out getting beat up by a girl was actually a turn on, am I right?” Joker smirked. “Since you two had quite the little office romance going on eh? Pretty against regs Commander,”

“Oh shut up. Like you care about regs,” Shepard defended.

“I don’t, but you’re Alliance to the core, Kaidan must have been quite the guy to change that.”

“I wasn’t always Alliance you know.” Shepard smirked. “Where I grew up, there weren’t as many rules.”

“Yeah? Sounds dangerous,” Joker lowered his voice to sound sexy, making Shepard giggle. “You like danger Commander Shepard?”

“Maybe,” she replied, her eyes twinkling. “Like I’d tell you that,”

He laughed. “Doesn’t mean Kaidan makes any sense though, that guy is such a stickler for rules. Not much of a bad boy.”

“Kaidan was…” Shepard seemed at a loss for words. “Perfect I guess; in every way an Alliance soldier should be. He would have made any number of girls very happy to be their husband.”

“That doesn’t sound like a woman in love,” Joker noted.

“It was once.” Shepard sounded sad. “Now I just feel silly.”

“Don’t. love does that,” Joker replied gently. “But if it’s any consolation, I honestly think Kaidan never loved you for you. He loved the uniform you wore; I mean look at how he reacted on Horizon. You don’t fit his perfect mould anymore even though you’re exactly the same. I think he loved more what you represented when you were what he approved of than you.”

“You’re right,” Shepard nodded. “Kaidan did love the uniform more than the woman wearing it. That actually helps a lot Joker, thanks.”

“Anytime.”

“Thing is, the woman Kaidan loved _is_ dead.” Shepard bit her lip.

“Still think you’re just a Cerberus clone?”

“No,” Shepard shook her head. “It’s not like that. Not much anyway. It’s just, when I joined the Alliance I moulded myself into the perfect soldier, so much so that I forgot who I was before the Alliance. Now, with Cerberus and regs out of the way, I can act more like me and be myself for once.”

“Yeah? So who’s the real Shepard, underneath all the Alliance regs?” Joker smirked.

“Honestly? I don’t quite know. Been a long time since I knew myself.” Shepard shrugged.

“Well, I’d like to find out.”

Shepard looked at him, and smiled softly. “So would I.”

Was this a moment? Were they having a moment? Joker’s thoughts jumped into overdrive.

“Sounds like you’re getting over Kaidan nicely, how are you feeling?” he decided to ask.

“It’s been a week; I’ve come to terms with it.” Shepard replied. “There’s more important things to worry about now. I’m doing fine.”

Joker nodded. “Good.” He half-whispered.

Shepard slouched comfortably in her chair, sipping at her drink. Joker was pretty sure it was a krogan concoction, and almost warned her against drinking it, but then again he’d seen Shepard drink a bunch of beverages that weren’t supposed to be for humans and survive, just to prove a point so, he didn’t think his warning would do much good. She’d probably drunk fifteen of them by now anyway. A comfortable silence fell over them, staring out at the stars.

“I used to love the stars,” Shepard murmured after a while.

Joker, who had half-dosed off, shook his head to clear it, and turned to look at her as she continued to watch the stars.

“Adrien and I always said that one day we’d travel the stars together, soldiers and siblings in arms. We said we’d always have each other’s backs and we’d become legends, travelling to distant planets and saving the galaxy.”

“Wonder what he’d day if he knew how right he was,” Joker chuckled.

“And also how wrong he was.” Shepard replied. “Certainly not how I pictured my career.”

“You must miss him.”

Shepard sighed. “Yeah. I miss them all. But, I’ve had a great crew, both on the original Normandy and the SR-2, so even if my life didn’t turn out that way I thought it would, I’m not upset.”

Joker nodded. This wasn’t how he picture his life turning out either, and while he had regrets, he wasn’t upset with how it was either. So long as he had Shepard and the Normandy, everything seemed okay.

“We’ll head to Illium next, since you’ve been so accommodating to my definition of shore leave, I think it’s time I gave the crew some proper shore leave.” Shepard grinned. “Liara wants to speak with me, and I have a feeling it might take a while, so I’m giving you all a few days’ shore leave on Illium.”

“Yes!” Joker cheered. “Asari nightclubs here I come!”

Shepard laughed. “You hate nightclubs! Or are you just going for the cute Asari dancers?”

“You know me so well,” Joker winked.

“Careful what you say on the Normandy, she might get jealous.” Shepard smirked.

“Aw don’t worry girl,” Joker said patting the wall. “I still love you.”

Shepard giggled. “Stone-cold pimp over here. Damn.”

“You know it Commander,” Joker said smugly.

Shepard laughed again. “I should go and calm down the party. Set the Normandy on the FTL for the nearest Mass Relay, and get some sleep. I want you at tip-top condition when we hit it. Set the coordinates for Illium.”

“Aye aye ma’am. Good luck reigning in those lunatics,” Joker chuckled. “Be careful, we have a lot of professional killers on board.”

“I’ll try my best to avoid getting stabbed. No promises though.” Shepard grinned.

 

Later, much later, once Joker had set EDI on the FTL with orders to wake him before they hit the Mass Relay, he found himself thinking about Shepard. That night, he didn’t dream about her dying like he had done for two years. That night, his dreams were filled with her laughter, her smile, and the softness of her eyes when she looked over at him, illuminated by the starlight.


	7. Chapter 7

Joker sat looking out on the horizon. He was near Liara’s office, overlooking some catalogues for ship enhancements. Donnelly and Daniels were on either side of him, and they were discussing possible modifications to the Normandy. He had on his omni-tool the data from Shepard on the upgrades she wanted for the ship that she collected from members of her team who had their professional opinions.

Most were doable, a few required resources Shepard would have to Spectre up to get. He could be spending his shore leave doing something fun, but Joker felt most at home on warships, specifically the Normandy. Besides, he didn’t trust anyone but him to oversee the Normandy’s upgrades, and he had no time to look over them when he was on board flying.

“The Commander is just always on the move isn’t she?” Daniels mused, as Shepard reappeared from Liara’s office and bounded down the stairs to some terminals. “Does she ever just…stop?”

Joker snorted. “Not for a second. You think is bad? You should have seen her before; she was always running errands for everyone and their mother.”

“I think it’s sweet. But I worry about her sometimes,” Daniels said.

“You and me both,” Joker muttered.

“I think our wee pilot’s got quite the fire for our Commander eh Joker?” Donnelly smirked.

Joker glared at him. “Why? Because I respect the woman who could kick the ass of a Collector just by looking at them? Because I worry that she’ll run herself into the damn ground trying to help the entire galaxy that has never once thanked her for the work she does, nor taken any notice of her warnings? Because I think this galaxy doesn’t deserve a woman like her looking out for it, that she’s far too good for any of us idiots on the ground?”

Donnelly was silent.

“In short: yeah. Yeah I do,” Joker said snappishly. “I don’t need it pointed out to me that I’d never have a chance with a woman like that, thank you very much, I’m very aware of how pathetic I am.”

“Donnelly! Are you harassing Joker?”

The trio looked up to see an unhappy looking Shepard striding over to them from a weapons kiosk.

“Commander!” Joker cried. “H-How much did you hear?”

“Something about you not having a chance with some woman and that you’re pathetic,” Shepard frowned. “Donnelly explain yourself, what the hell are you playing at?”

“He didn’t say that Commander!” Daniels defended. “Donnelly was out of line and Joker took a little more offence then he intended. It was just a joke,”

Shepard turned a hawk-like eye on Joker, almost questioningly. Joker minutely shook his head, and Shepard’s tense shoulders relaxed.

“Alright. Dismissed you two, I’d like you to pick something up for me and take it back to the ship.”

“Yes ma’am, right away.” The two took the item description from Shepard and scampered away.

Joker almost laughed at how the two looked like mice scurrying away from a hungry cat. He went back to looking over his datapad as Shepard sat beside him.

“Those two weren’t bothering you were they?” she asked.

“Nah. Just a joke that I didn’t appreciate,” Joker answered.

Shepard hummed in response, looking out to the scenery. After a moment, she turned to look at Joker again.

“So, who’s the lucky girl?”

Joker almost choked on air. “I-I’m sorry?”

“You know, the one you were upset about not having a chance with. Which is nonsense by the way, you’d make any girl happy Joker.”

Joker snorted. “Yeah right.”

“No really, you would.”

“And what have I got to offer a girl?” Joker raised an eyebrow. “I could break a rib by sneezing, I live and work on a warship that heads into suicide missions nearly every day, I’ve got so many deep-rooted issues that I respond to everything with anger and sarcasm, half the crew is convinced I’m in love with the Normandy and they’re probably right. Real catch I am.”

“Joker,” Shepard shook her head. “You fly the most difficult and advanced warship in the Alliance fleet, and more than that you make her dance. Despite your bone difficulty you don’t let that control you, you earned everything you have in your life through your determination and skill. You’re funny, you’re dependable, you’re loyal and you care. You’re an amazing man Jeff Moreau, and any girl would be damned lucky to have you.”

Joker felt his face grow hot. Did she mean that? Did she really think that? Did that mean, that maybe, maybe he’d have a chance? Maybe she could think of him that way?

“You’re just saying that because you’re my friend, and my Commander.” He muttered.

“Of course I am.” Shepard laughed. “It’s because I’m your friend and your Commander that I know all these things. I know you Joker, you’re one of the few who have been with me since all this began, I’ve had ample time to get to know you and I know you would be one hell of a prize for a girl.”

“You…really think so?”

“Honestly.”

Joker slowly smiled.

“So who is this girl huh? She must be something special to get to you like this.” Shepard smiled.

“Oh. She is.” Joker murmured. “She’s the most amazing woman I’ve ever met.”

“Tell me about her.” Shepard looked at him warmly, with friendly support and interest, but there was something in her eye that was out of place.

Some part of Joker wanted to believe it was hurt or disappointment at the thought of not being the girl he was talking about. If only she knew. He was probably imagining it though. Joker seized his chance to tell her how he felt without actually saying it.

“She’s like fire, and ice.” He said. “She’s like a breath of fresh air, like the first ray of sun after a storm.”

“Didn’t know you could be poetic Joker,” Shepard chuckled.

Joker smiled. “For her I can be. She’s so brave and kind and fierce, she’s loyal and good, she’s a gift to the universe she really is.”

“Is she pretty?” Shepard asked.

“Gorgeous.” Joker replied. “She’s also crazy. In a good way. She’s incredible, I’d do anything for her.”

“And you think you don’t have a chance? Have you asked her?”

Joker’s shoulders slumped. “Well, no but…”

“Then how will you know if you don’t try? Tell her how you feel Joker,”

“What if she doesn’t want me?” Joker asked miserably.

“Joker, there’s no reason she wouldn’t. And if she’s mental enough not to love you for you who are then she’s not worth it.” Shepard said simply.

 _Easy for you to say,_ he thought. _You’re worth anything, even if you don’t love me._

“Maybe.” He considered. “I’ll think about it Commander.”

“Good. Now, I’d better leave you to your shore leave. I gotta run, I need to gather some intel for Liara on the Shadow Broker.”

Joker frowned. “Be careful. You don’t want to make an enemy of the Shadow Broker,”

Shepard snorted. “I think you mean he doesn’t want to make an enemy of me.”

 

Shore leave kind of came crashing to an end with an explosion. As it usually did wherever Shepard went, it was sort of her thing. After all this time serving with her, Joker wasn’t actually that surprised, just glanced up curiously at the fiery orange blast in the distance. Wasn’t she just getting intel? How did that lead to an explosion? Then, he heard her voice crackling over his comms.

“Joker! I need your help!”

“What do you need Commander?” Joker asked immediately.

“I need you to get EDI to read the life signs of the building I’m entering. I need to find Liara – the Shadow Broker just tried to kill her.”

“Was that what that explosion was?”

“Yes, he attacked the building she was in and now we’re heading in to find her. But we’ve met with heavy resistance, and – Tali get a combat drone over there and take that engineer out! – this would be quicker with EDI’s assistance. The blast knocked out a few of my helmet’s systems so I – Garrus I don’t care if turians can’t duck if you don’t start getting down I _will_ shoot you! – need to go through you to connect to EDI. How far away are you from the Normandy?”

“Not far Commander, but you know me it might take me a while to get back. I’ll start now and keep you posted.”

“Thanks Joker – _Tali on your left_! – I appreciate it – Garrus watch my six, I’m going in! – I’ll get back to you when we’ve cleared up this lot – Tali cover Garrus’ flank! Watch for incoming shuttles!”

It took Joker longer than he liked to get back to the Normandy and relay Shepard’s orders to EDI. At once the AI set to scanning the building Shepard was fighting her way to, trying to pick up signs of asari lifeforms inside.

“Scan complete. There are two asaris in the building, Liara T’Soni is heading to the top floor, followed by the other.” EDI reported.

“Commander,” Joker said over the comms. “Liara’s at the top floor.”

“Is she hurt?”

“EDI, can you give a status reading on Liara’s health?”

“Liara T’Soni appears to be in full health.”

“She’s fine Commander.”

“Thanks Joker.”

There was radio silence after that, with only the sound of walking and shooting to break through the silence. Joker sat anxiously, wondering just what was going on and what Shepard had gotten herself into this time. The bullets whizzed through the comms, with Joker biting his nails in an attempt to stay casual, staying silent to not distract Shepard as he listened to her barking orders to her team as they made their way through the building.

Through listening to her he soon learned she found Liara and had turned on the other Asari Spectre who had tried to kill her. He grew anxious however when he heard the sound of shattering glass, and Shepard’s pained yelp as he heard a thud. She had fallen out of a window by the sounds of it.

“Shepard? Shepard are you okay?” he asked urgently.

Shepard groaned. “Yeah. Yeah I’m good. Got a nasty headache but no wound. Garrus get after Liara! Tali, let’s try and flank that Spectre!”

“Can I help?” Joker said anxiously.

“If you can get a shuttle to my location in time, maybe. I think we may need to give chase.”

“On my way Commander.” Joker promised.

He ordered EDI to get the Kodiak ready and made his way down to the shuttle bay. He locked in on Shepard’s location and flew towards the signal, gritting his teeth as he manoeuvred through buildings and other shuttles, trying to keep up with Shepard’s moving signal. He found her running along the rooftop of a building, Tali beside her, and looking down he saw Liara and Garrus jump into a shuttle, chasing after another. He flew in close to the rooftop and opened the door, signalling to Shepard to make the jump.

“Tali you first!” Shepard ordered.

Tali leapt off the rooftop and tumbled into the back, closely followed by Shepard.

“Joker, follow that Asari!” Shepard said.

“On it Commander!” Joker took a hard right and flew off, flying close to Liara’s shuttle as they chased after the Spectre.

“Stay on that shuttle Joker! Don’t let her get away!” Shepard climbed over the seats to sit shotgun, pulling out her pistol with a glare. “No one threatens my friends and gets away with it. Open the door Joker.”

“You’re insane!” he protested, but at her glare he did as he was told.

Shepard leaned out of the door, holding onto the shuttle with one hand, and shooting her pistol with the other. She hit the other shuttle a few times, trying to hit the propulsion boosters to knock it out of the sky. Shepard was probably the best shot in the galaxy, Joker had never seen her miss a target in all the time he’d known her, so naturally her bullets hit where she aimed dead-on.

But then the asari began fighting back, launching particle mines as she flew, causing Joker to veer wildly to dodge them. Joker pulled Shepard back inside by the collar of her armour and closed the door, ignoring her annoyed huff at having been pulled to safety. Liara’s shuttle kept pace with them, swerving in and out of oncoming traffic as they chased down the asari Spectre.    

It ended up being one of the most insane mission he’d ever flown with Shepard, which is saying a lot considering the insane missions they got themselves into. After an intense showdown with the Spectre, Liara and Shepard had rounded up the crew back to the Normandy, co-ordinates set for the Shadow Broker’s lair, and Joker watched in disbelief through barely visible static footage as Shepard, Liara and Garrus stormed the lair of the Shadow Broker.

It took hours – the ship was massive, the size of a small country Joker thought. Joker had to watch as Shepard and her team battled the vicious storm and fought their way through waves of enemies and drones. The signal was lost completely once they got inside the ship, and for hours more Joker sat there, waiting desperately for a signal, wishing his bones were stronger so he could pace in anxiety.

Then, finally, Shepard’s voice rang clear and steady through the comms.

“Ready for pick-up Joker. Expect the Kodiak shortly,”

“So how’d it go? You win?” Joker asked casually, as though he hadn’t spent the last however many hours fighting down panic.

“Obviously.” Shepard said simply. “Liara’s the new Shadow Broker, she’s taken over the network now we’ve taken care of him. With the intel she’ll be sending our way soon we might yet stand a chance against the Collectors.”

“Liara as the Shadow Broker? Nice.” Joker grinned. “Man, the things I could ask…”

“Don’t even think about it.” Shepard sounded amused. “Let’s not abuse our power the second we obtain it, okay?”

“You’re no fun Commander.”

Shepard laughed. “ _I’m_ no fun? Says the guy that’s afraid of my pet varren.”

“It’s a _varren_ , Shepard. A vicious killing machine.”

“She’s a baby Joker.”

“Okay so a baby killing machine.” Joker shrugged. “It could still tear a limb off.”

“Well next time learn not to mess with her meal.” Shepard said.

“Yeah. Noted.”

“Tell you what, I picked up some asari brandy on Illium, we’ll break open the bottle tonight to toast the new Shadow Broker and I’ll keep Viper away from the dinner table. Sound good?”

“Sure. So long as we play poker, you’re a terrible liar when you’re drunk.”

“Trying to rob me blind Joker?”

“I won’t need to try very hard,” Joker smirked.

“Yeah yeah we’ll see about that mister. I’ll finish up here and be back on the Normandy within the hour.”

“Okay. Be expecting you Commander.”

 

They did end up playing poker that night, and Joker was right, Shepard had a lousy poker face when she’d been drinking. And Shepard had lied, Viper sat protectively at her master’s feet the whole game, and barked whenever someone tried to cheat.

In the end, Shepard and Joker ended up playing in the cockpit by themselves, Viper curled up on Shepard’s lap, two drinks between them. He won 150 credits that night, and without realising it, they both fell asleep in their chairs, with EDI gently easing them out of orbit and steering them towards the Citadel.  


	8. Chapter 8

“I suppose it’s kind of cute. In a vicious killing machine kind of way.” Joker admitted, watching Shepard pet the pup under the table.

Shepard grinned at him. Viper whined at the sudden lack of attention and leapt up onto Shepard’s lap. Shepard scratched the varren’s head and gave her some more rations from her breakfast. She laughed as Viper licked her face in appreciation. Joker chuckled to himself, smiling over his coffee. It was good to see her laugh.

After giving her crew the scare of their lives by docking at Omega to visit Aria of all people, then heading back to Illium and bringing a Drell assassin and an Asari Justicar on board, zooming over to Tuchunka to help out Mordin with an old student of his gone rogue, and then heading to the Migrant Fleet to prove Tali innocent of treason, Shepard had decided their crew was in much need of some R&R after so many weeks of chaos.

And what better way to spend shore-leave than the Citadel?

The café the two of them currently say at looked out over the Presidium, in Shepard’s favourite part of the Citadel. It had food native to England, where Shepard’s mother was from, and reminded her of the food her mother used to make. A full English breakfast sat in front of her, and Viper seemed to appreciate the tidbits she was getting from the Commander. Shepard looked over her Earl Grey tea at Joker and shook her head fondly.

“Told you she would grow on you. She’ll be fully grown soon, varrens don’t take long to mature, and I’ll train her to fight in battle beside me. Tali is going to help me make some specialized armour for her.”

“Is it going to be purple to match yours?” Joker asked. “Might wanna teach your varren to duck.”

Shepard giggled. “No. Actually I’m changing the colour of my armour.”

“Oh yeah? To what? Something even more obvious, like neon yellow?” Joker rolled his eyes.

Shepard flicked a piece of muffin at his head. “No you jerk. I saw a lovely set a royal blue N7 armour yesterday and, with a few adjustments of my own, I have the perfect picture in mind. I’ll keep most of the blue, but I’m adding lilac stripes to the arms, and modifying the leg armour to incorporate the black mesh upgrade I picked up on Omega. Viper’s is going to match that.”

“You know,” Joker said thoughtfully, munching on his pancakes. “Have you ever thought about how normal women discuss the colour of their new dress or shoes with their friends, and you’re here talking to your pilot about your new armour upgrades and your pet varren?”

“Joker have you ever seen me wear a dress?” Shepard looked disgusted by the thought. “I’d rather die than be like ‘normal women’.”

Joker blinked. “Oh shit, no I’m sorry Commander I didn’t mean to insult you. I just – I mean – that’s a good thing that you’re like that. That’s what I like about you – err I mean to say, that’s what makes you different – in a good way I promise! I think you’re awesome.”

Shepard laughed at the flustered look on Joker’s face. “Joker you’re adorable when you’re flustered! It’s okay you’re forgiven, that face was worth it. You should see yourself right now, you look like a puppy that just got caught tearing up the toilet paper.”

Joker went red, and pulled down his cap with a scowl. “Very funny. Sure let’s make fun of the cripple. Laugh it up while you can Commander, revenge will be sweet.”

Shepard giggled into her tea as she tried to calm down her laughter. Even after she stopped, her smile was so wide her cheeks hurt. Joker wasn’t complaining, it was nice to see her so happy for once, even at his own expense.

“Although, I wouldn’t mind seeing you in a dress.” Joker said as an afterthought.

“Over my dead body.” Shepard muttered. “Haven’t worn a dress since I was a child. Hate the damn things,”

“Why so against the fashion industry Shepard?”

“I’m a soldier what do I need fashion for?” Shepard snorted. “The only thing dresses do is show you’re weak.”

“Sounds like there’s a story there,” Joker raised an eyebrow.

“Maybe there is.” Was all Shepard said.

“Alright keep your secrets. I’ll find out soon enough, I always do.”

Shepard muttered some less-than-flattering as she ate her toast, but Joker just snickered in response.

“How’s your family Joker?”

Joker glanced at Shepard quizzically. “Random.”

“Not really,” Shepard shrugged. “But let me guess, you haven’t contacted them since you joined Cerberus.”

Joker sighed. “My dad would die of shame if he knew I joined up with Cerberus, he wouldn’t care why. I do message my sister every now and then though, I never tell her what I’m doing, but enough to let her know I’m alive.”

Shepard sighed and put down her teacup. She looked out at the Presidium, frowning.

“What?”

“Between you, Garrus abandoning everything he knew, Liara losing a friend in the fight to retrieve me, and Kaidan, I wonder how many more lives have been put on hold because of me?”

“Commander what are you talking about?” Joker frowned.

“Nearly everyone I know has either been working to bring me back, waiting for me to come back, has thrown away their lives because I was dead or spiralled into depression.” Shepard said sadly.

“That’s not your fault. Yeah a lot of us fell apart after what happened, but that’s because of what you mean to us. That’s who are Katherine. You’re a woman that people look up to, a Commander we’d follow to hell and back, and the dearest friend anyone could ever have.”

Shepard looked up glumly, now picking uninterestedly at her food.

“Why would anyone do that for me? I’m just a soldier like anyone else.” She muttered.

“I don’t believe that.” Joker said. “Think about all the crew members you’ve had in your career, all the people you’ve worked with. Did any of them ever once hate you, or even dislike you?”

“Well, no but…”

“Exactly. Know why?” Joker grinned. “Because you make everyone love you wherever you go, no matter who they are, they always see reason and believe in you and trust you. You make peace where others would fight, you help what others would ignore, you care when no one else does. You inspire, a lot of leaders never see themselves like the world does.”

“Because it’s hard to think of yourself like that,” Shepard said, starting to eat again.

“You wouldn’t be you if you did,” Joker shrugged. “Leaders who do become arrogant dictators.”

“Like Aria.” Shepard suggested.

“Yeah. Like Aria.”

Shepard huffed slightly, breaking off a piece of toast and feeding it to Viper. “It’s still hard to believe so many people across the galaxy had their lives ruined because I died. It’s hard to imagine me being that important to people.”

“Well they’re important to you right? It works the other way too.”

“I guess you’re right. Thanks Joker.”

“Don’t mention it Commander, so long as it doesn’t go to your head.” He grinned.

Shepard rolled her eyes. “I have the best pilot in the galaxy to keep me in line don’t you worry.”

Joker chuckled.

“So, you asked this girl out yet?” Shepard smirked over her toast.

“And when would I have had the time to do that when you have me zipping all over the galaxy Commander?” Joker said nonchalantly.

“Okay sure, but we’re on shore-leave now. Where’s this girl live anyway? Here? On Earth? One of the colonies?”

“You sure are full of questions. Curiosity killed the cat you know,” Joker said.

“But satisfaction brought it back,” Shepard grinned.

Joker felt his face heart up. That wasn’t a flirtatious thing was it? No, it couldn’t be.  

“If you must know, she’s kind of Alliance.” Joker muttered.

“Ohh I get it. Did you meet her on a mission?”

“Yeah. She’s not in one place long, kind of hard to get a hold of.”

Shepard nodded understandingly. Her omni-tool pinged then, and she looked down in vague annoyance as she brought up the communication VI. It was Anderson.

“Anderson, what can I do for you sir?”

“If you have the time, the Council has an assignment for you.” Anderson said.

“I thought the Council gave me back my Spectre status just as an empty platitude, they know I’m Cerberus they really want to work with me?” Shepard frowned.

“I’ve managed to explain to the Council that you’re more or less undercover, and from reports of you dismantling Cerberus operations and saving human colonies, they seem to believe me. They want you to take on this mission to show you still answer to them.” Anderson explained.

“Hm. Alright. What’s the mission sir?”

“Come meet me by the embassies Commander, and I’ll give you the briefing.”

“Certainly sir. I’ll be there soon.” Shepard disabled the VI and drained the rest of her now lukewarm tea. “Sorry to cut this short Joker, but I should see Anderson about this new assignment.”

“Sure thing Commander. Let me know if we need to move out and I’ll round up the crew.”

Shepard nodded and got up, leaving Joker to finish breakfast alone. It was a few hours later, and Joker was observing a shooting competition between Garrus and Tali when Shepard contacted him. Their shore-leave had once again come to an abrupt end, but at least there was no explosion this time. Yet anyway.

“Joker round up the crew, we had a priority mission to do.” Shepard said over the comm.

“Sure Commander. Where we headed this time?”

He felt Shepard take a breath. “Alchera. The Council wants the dog tags from the Normandy returned to the families. We’re headed to the wreckage.”

“Are you kidding me?” Joker snapped. “They’re sending you to Alchera? Katherine are you fucking kidding me? Say no! They can’t make you do this!”

“I have a theory they picked this assignment to make me prove I’m not actually working for Cerberus. I have to do it Joker.  Those we lost deserve better than a wreckage planetside too.” Shepard sighed in defeat.

“Katherine no, you can’t go. Send Mordin or whoever and make another team go.” Joker pleaded.

“No. It has to be me.” Shepard murmured. “I need to do this. And you do too. I know you don’t want to, hell I don’t want to either, but we need this Joker. It’s time we faced our demons.”

Joker sighed. “This is bullshit.” He muttered. “Alright. I’ll get everyone back to the ship, we’ll be ready on your command.”

“Thank you Joker.”

The thank you seemed completely empty to Joker, and he felt numb as he told Garrus and Tali what they were about to do. Every part of him screamed at him to refuse, to not let anyone from the original Normandy anywhere near Alchera, especially Shepard. But his Commander had given him an order. They had to go. He had to face it.  

 

 

“I don’t like this.” Joker murmured.

“Yeah I know, I heard you the first ten times.” Shepard replied.

“Then what are we doing here?” he snapped, looking back at her.

She let out a slow breath. “Just take us down there Joker. I’ll take the shuttle to the site.”

“On your own? Hell no, I’m coming with you.” Joker said.

“No.” Shepard said firmly. “This is my responsibility.”

“Katherine you _died_ there.” Joker glared. “I got you _killed_ down there. This is _my_ responsibility – to make sure you’re safe.”

“Joker you didn’t –”

“Please Katherine.” Joker said quietly. “Don’t leave me behind on this one.”

Shepard sighed, and reluctantly nodded. “Okay. Let’s take the shuttle then. EDI, mind the ship.”

“Yes Shepard.” EDI said.

Joker rose from his chair, and followed Shepard to the airlock, getting out a spare envirosuit. He wasn’t one for ground missions, but hell would freeze over before he let Shepard go down there alone. She’d refused company from everyone, even Garrus and Tali, and yet she was letting him go with her.

Maybe she really didn’t want to go alone. Either way, Joker wouldn’t let her face this by herself. As much as he loathed the idea of going down there, as much as he swore he’d never speak of what happened again, he knew he had to do this. Shepard was right; they both needed this.

“You can’t come in with me Joker,” Shepard said as they flew down to the planets’ surface in the shuttle.

“Why not?”

“Look at it down there. The crash site is covered in snow and ice, it’s too dangerous for you to walk on. Wait here in the shuttle and I’ll get the dog tags and come straight back.” Shepard replied.

“Shepard I’m not –”

“You can patch in through my helmet-cam and I’ll be in touch over comms, I’ll be fine Joker.”

Joker huffed unhappily. “Fine.”

“Right. Sit tight, I won’t be long.”

Joker sighed. “Aye aye Commander.”

And so he watched. Watched as Shepard made her unsteady way over the ice sheets and onto the wreckage. Watched as she slipped and gripped the wall, only to have it tear off with her, and as she rolled out of the way, the metal came crashing down into the ice, and he watched as she watched the Alliance symbol painted on the metal sink underneath the icy water. He shivered despite himself.

Shepard got to shaky feet, and started to inspect the wreckage. Walking through those familiar yet so different walls again took the breath from Shepard’s body. She was shivering from more than the cold, her breath unsteady and her steps hesitant. It was a shell of what it once was, the dead husk of her old ship.

Ever since Mindoir, Shepard had been searching for somewhere to call home; she’d found that in the Normandy, but then she had lost that too. And now she was searching the dead ship she’d called home and made so many lasting friendships for the dog tags of dead friends. Even with the SR-2 in the sky waiting for her, it wasn’t any better.

“You okay Commander?” Joker asked quietly, knowing the answer before he even asked.

“It’s not easy seeing her like this.” Shepard answered.

“No, it isn’t.” Joker agreed.

“I’m guessing none of you came here after the crash.”

“Alenko did,” Joker sighed. “Wanted me to go with him, but…I couldn’t.”

“Kaidan came back? Why?”

“He wanted to find something of yours on the ship, some keepsake to take with him I guess. I don’t know if he found anything.”

“Huh. Guess he’s thrown it out now whatever it was,” Shepard snorted.

Joker gave a thin smile. Normally he’d answer that joke with a gag of his own, but it just didn’t seem right in the bones of the Normandy.

“Found some dog tags. Allison Baker. Engineering. I remember her, such a young bright-eyed girl.” Shepard reported. “Here’s another. Blake Palmer. Navigation.”

“I trained that kid to use the galaxy map,” Joker said.

Shepard made her way through the ruined ship, picking up dog tags as she found them. Seventeen dog tags later, and familiar objects found their way into Shepard’s field of vision. A sniper scope from Garrus’ beloved Mantis. A notebook of Prothean artefacts that Liara had been writing in. Joker’s SR-1 cap.

She was at the old cockpit now, looking down at the cap strewn on the floor, as though wondering if she should take it back with her. Joker was going to tell her to leave it, when she turned her head, and he heard her breath stop.

He finally saw when she’d noticed before him, and saw her old N7 helmet, laying burnt and battered on the ground. Slowly, she approached it, and picked it up. Joker didn’t dare even breathe. Shepard turned over the helmet in her hands, and let out a shaky breath. He could tell she was crying.

“Shepard…”

She gripped the helmet, looking down at the dog tags hanging from her other hand. She wobbled, light-headed, like she was going to faint.

“Katherine. Come back to me.” Joker’s voice was gentle, but firm. He had to keep her focused before she lost herself.

“I – I can’t…”

“Katherine. The Normandy’s still waiting for you. Your team is still at your back. Your pilot is still as snarky as ever.”

Shepard gave a watery chuckle.

“It’s okay Kat. It’s okay. You’ve done all you can, they’re at peace now. It’s time we were too.”

Shepard sighed. “It’s not easy though, is it? To let go.”

“No. But maybe that’s not what it’s about.” Joker said. “If the team had truly let you go, half of us wouldn’t be here now. Everything’s different now, but maybe it doesn’t have to be forever.”

Shepard rested her hand on Joker’s old chair, and Joker felt a shiver run down his spine despite not being physically there.

“Feels wrong.” She murmured. “Feels like I’m a ghost. Like it’s not real. I shouldn’t be here.”

“Come back then, we’ll go home.” Joker suggested.

“No I don’t mean that. I mean I shouldn’t be still here. I should be just a set of dog tags scattered here like the rest of them.”

“Kat don’t you dare say that.” Joker snapped. “Don’t you dare.”

“I’m not right Joker, I feel all wrong. I shouldn’t be here. I belong with my crew and my ship. I should have died with the others; why do I deserve to be brought back?” Shepard sank to the ground, the dog tags slipping out of her hands, her helmet tumbling over the floor. “What’s dead should stay dead. I should be dead.”

“Kat!”

Joker sprang from his seat when Shepard cut the comm line between them. Panicked, he didn’t even wait to send a message to the Normandy, just put on his helmet and made his way out there. It was slow going across the slippery ice, but slow and steady wins the race, and inch by inch Joker crept over the ice field towards the ship.

As he approached the entrance Shepard had used, he felt the ice begin to give way where Shepard had caused part of the Normandy to crash into the water. He picked up the pace, but that only served to make the ice split faster.

“Shepard!” he called.

The ice gave way just where he stepped, and with a yelp he began to fall. He flailed, trying to grip the edge of the Normandy – he was so close to the ship, all he had to do was reach – but the ice gave out under his other foot, and he felt the icy water through his suit as he fell.

“Jeff!”

He felt Shepard grab his arm, and together with his struggling and her strength, Joker was pulled up onto the Normandy, shivering and panting. He sat back against the wall, and Shepard slumped back across from him, breathing hard.

“Oh god,” she whispered. “This isn’t happening. This isn’t real.”

“Katherine Henrietta Shepard.” Joker hauled himself up and over to her, gripping her arms and making her look at him. “This is real. I’m real, you’re real. This is the real deal Kat. But it’s going to be okay, I promise. Look at me I’m right here with you, just like old times. I’m right by your side like I’ve always been, and always will be. You can do this; you can get through this I know you can. Will you let the Normandy and her crew die in vain?”

Shepard was quiet for a long time, and Joker feared he’d lost her already, but then she slowly reached up, and took Joker’s hands in hers. She shook her head.

“No. I won’t.” she answered. “Because I’m Commander Katherine Shepard of the Alliance Navy, first human Spectre, hero of Akuze and Saviour of the Citadel.”

Joker smiled. “Damn straight you are.”

Shepard smiled back. Joker sat back against the wall beside her, still holding one of her hands in his. After what seemed like an eternity, they moved. They gathered up the dog tags Shepard had found, and Shepard hoisted her old helmet under her arm like a war trophy. After a brief hesitation, Joker grabbed his old cap too.

“Joker?” Shepard asked from the exit of the wreckage.

“Yeah?” he answered as he joined her.

“…How did you know my middle name?”

Joker chuckled quietly. “I have my ways.”

Shepard’s answering giggle was just as quiet. “Alright, keep your secrets. Let’s go home.”

“Aye aye Commander. Let’s go home.”


	9. Chapter 9

“So things got heated on the Citadel,” Joker said casually.

He glanced over at Shepard, who was sitting in the co-pilot’s chair, piecing together another model ship she’d purchased. This time it was a quarian vessel.

“Between Garrus’ revenge crusade and Thane’s almost-assassin son, that’s an understatement.” She muttered in response. “Still, no one’s dead. All’s well that ends well.”

“Do you ever think we’ll pick up a normal person on this ship? Or do you think it gives the Normandy character to constantly be boarded by professional killers with deep-rooted issues?”

Shepard chuckled. “Hey now, what does that say about us?”

“Well I’m no professional killer, but I do have deep-rooted issues, so I’d say I fit the bill quite nicely.”

“I’d say. And it does give the Normandy character. Think about it. Every mission we’ve ever done in this girl, our crew’s always been part alien. We’ve always proved that different species can work together, and even get along.”

“Yeah never thought I’d see the day when a turian, a salarian, a human, and a krogan all sat around comparing kill counts, that’s for sure.” Joker said thoughtfully. “I have a question Commander, if I may.”

“Shoot.”

“When we were going after Saren, once we picked up the aliens in the crew, I noticed you never took Ash or Alenko on ground missions anymore, or at least not very often. It was always Garrus and Liara or Garrus and Tali. Even now you usually bring Tali and Garrus with you, or Mordin and Thane. You don’t often bring the humans in your team, there a reason for that, or just more intergalatic relations?”

Shepard stopped her work on her model ship and sat in thought for a moment. She pursed her lips, and leaned her head in one hand.

“I suppose I trust the aliens more than the humans.” She answered after a while.

“Why?”

“After Mindoir was attacked, I hid until the batarians were gone. I wandered around the colony and found a distress signal that had been totally ignored. I found out later that the Alliance had been aware the attack was coming, but let it happen anyway. The Alliance brass figured if they intercepted the attack the batarians would know they’d cracked their codes and use a different one. They had planned to intercept the slavers once they’d left the colony, but their plan backfired and they didn’t make it in time.”

Joker scowled. “That’s disgusting.”

“I can understand their plan now, but at the time I was furious. I lost all faith in humanity that day. But the reason I trust other species more, is because of what happened after Mindoir. The Alliance presumed the entire colony dead or taken, so they didn’t both searching for survivors. A turian warship picked up on our distress signal and came to the colony, and they found me.

The turians took me in, found me food I could eat and kept me safe on their ship while they headed to the Citadel to work out what to do with me. On the ship, all the turians were very kind to me, some of them would even teach me how to handle a weapon, or show me holos of their children back on Palaven. During the attack I had been injured, and the turian general didn’t know much about human biology to help, so they brought an asari doctor on board, and she cared for me for the time I spent on the ship.”

Shepard smiled down at the model that was still in her hands, lost in memories. Joker sat at attention, enraptured by her story.

“When we got to the Citadel, I didn’t want to leave the ship. I was scared and didn’t know what would happen to me, I wanted to stay with the turians. But it was warship, no place for a child. One of the turians offered to come with me – Marcus Vicraka his name was. He asked to join C-Sec and his general gave him leave to do so, and so he came with me to the Citadel. The human ambassador at the time wanted to send me into foster care until I was of age, but Marcus wouldn’t hear of it.

He petitioned the Council to adopt me, and at first they were not happy with that. Marcus had a son on Palaven, and his wife agreed to move the family to the Citadel. I refused to be separated from Marcus, and so the Council agreed that a turian family environment would be suitable, so long as the family could care for my human needs. I was given an asari nursemaid, Mesra, and Icicia raised me as her own alongside her son Caiso.”

“Wow. I never knew that,” Joker said.

“It’s not on many public records. When I came of age, Marcus and his family wanted me to join the Vicraka clan, so they petitioned the head of the family on my behalf. However, their request was denied. I wasn’t upset, I knew how some turians could be, and the family treated me as their own whether I wore their clan markings or not. But because I was now of age, the Council removed their right to keep me.

We kicked up a hell of a fuss believe me, but the Council’s word was final. I decided to join the Alliance, Caiso was obviously joining the turian military, and I was now keen to work for the military after being among turians for years. So I joined up, but I remembered how the humans hadn’t lifted a finger to help me, despite what the Alliance says about having humanity’s best interests at heart, I remembered that the only ones who helped me were alien. I wanted to change that, I wanted to be the best the Alliance could offer, the ideal that they wanted to be. I wanted to help people.”

“Are you still in contact with any of the turians?” Joker asked.

“Caiso and I messaged when we could, and Marcus was always checking in on me. Icicia would send me things from Palaven, and Mesra would write me long letters. I haven’t seen them in a long time, though they were at the ceremony after saving the Citadel.”

Joker vaguely remember a family of turians there. Shepard had spoken to them, but he had merely assumed they were thanking her for saving them like so many people had been doing that day.

“I haven’t talked to them since…I died…they probably still think I’m dead.” Shepard chewed on her bottom lip. “Maybe…I should contact Caiso.”

“I’m sure he’d be glad to hear you’re still alive.” Joker said. “Does Garrus know you were partially raised by turians? I’d love to see his reaction.”

Shepard chuckled. “I’ll tell him, and let you know what he says.”

“Explains why you two are so close then.”

“He reminds me of Caiso. I’ve never had a best friend until I met Garrus, and now I have many. Over the years I’ve learned that humans are no better or worse than aliens, but old habits die hard I guess, I’ve just always found it easier to get along with aliens. Last time I trusted another human, was perhaps Kaidan.”

Joker winced. “And look how that turned out. Yeah. I see what you mean.”

“Still, there are some humans on this ship worth trusting.” Shepard smiled at him, and he felt his heart lurch in his chest.

Trying not to read more into it than there probably was, he refocussed his attentions to the flight controls. It was late, it usually was when Shepard came down to see him. She couldn’t sleep well, neither could he, so they spent the night cycle hours talking, sometimes falling asleep in the cockpit. Joker tried to ignore how the routinely interaction was making him fall even harder for Shepard. If she was going to develop feelings for anyone, it would be Garrus.

Those two were as thick as thieves, and he was a top-notch fighter like her. He’d follow her into any battle, and they made bets as to who would get the highest kill-count. That’s the kind of man Shepard deserved, a man of action, steadfast and loyal who would care for her and do anything for her, someone she trusted and who could have her back in a fight. Not a sarcastic cripple like him. He could barely fire a gun without shattering bones. He was just a pilot – sure, he was the best, but not what Shepard would want.

Shepard sighed over her model, turning it over in her hand. She was finished.

“How many is that now?” Joker asked.

“Not sure, haven’t counted in a while.” She replied. “But I saw a Normandy on the Citadel last week. Thinking of getting it next time we dock there. I should get to bed though; Kasumi assures me I’ll need my strength for this favour I’m doing for her. Never thought I’d be helping a thief on a heist, I just hope I don’t mess up the operation. Co-vert’s not really my thing.”

“Yeah your style is much more walk-in-and-start-shooting.” Joker agreed.

“Hey it works.” Shepard defended. “I’ll leave you to it fly-boy, try to remember to get some sleep.”

“Will do.”

 

 

They’d reached their destination by the next day, and Joker couldn’t wait to see co-vert Shepard in action. He had no doubt it would be hilarious. Stealth was seriously not Shepard’s thing. He could hear Kasumi and Shepard arguing as the elevator came down, it was hard not to they were talking so loudly. Eventually Shepard sighed and made her way across the CIC towards the cockpit. Her footsteps sounded different than usual.

Joker turned to make a snarky comment, but was stopped short at the sight of Shepard. He remembered making a remark about seeing Shepard in a dress, but he never thought it would become reality.

Yet there she was, dressed in a tight black leather cocktail dress, her red hair that was normally in a bun was out, spilling over her shoulders, her face was covered in makeup – red lips with smoky eyes – and a silver necklace adorned her neck. What made her footsteps sound funny were the high heels, Joker realised. He also realised he was staring when Shepard cleared her throat. He forced himself to blink, and to breathe.

“I know I know don’t say it, I look like a marine in drag.” Shepard muttered. “I feel bloody ridiculous.”

Joker swallowed. “I…wouldn’t say that Commander.”

“No? Hurry up and think of a witty comment then, I’m sure you have one.”

Joker glanced sideways, chewing on his bottom lip. “Permission to speak freely Commander?”

“Granted Joker. Let me have it,” Shepard sighed.

“You look completely amazing.”

Shepard blinked, clearly not expecting that.

“I…well…t-thank you.”

Joker smiled bashfully. “You packing Commander? Don’t like the idea of you walking into a crib full of criminals without a weapon.”

Shepard patted her thigh, indicating a thigh-holster. Damn if that wasn’t hottest thing he could think of. She smirked, clearly getting the reaction she wanted.

“My eyes are up here Jeff,” she murmured.

“Huh? O-oh, s-sorry Commander…” Joker tore his eyes from her thigh.

“No need to apologise Joker.” Shepard chuckled. “A girl needs that kind of encouragement every now and then.”

Oh that was definitely flirting. It had to be.

“If I didn’t know better I’d say you like the attention,” Joker smirked.

“Well, it’s a good thing you know better then, isn’t it?” Shepard teased.

“I guess so. Don’t get me wrong Shepard, you look stunning like this, but I prefer you in armour with a gun in your hand.”

Shepard chuckled. “That makes two of us. This thing is so uncomfortable. And it’s not Shepard, it’s Allison Gunn. That’s my cover. I’m a mercenary leader with a taste for high society.”

“Scary how accurate that seems.” Joker commented. “Knock em dead out there Commander, maybe even literally if need be.”

Shepard laughed, and patted Joker’s shoulder before turning and leaving for the airlock. Joker had to concentrate hard to resume breathing normally. Seeing Shepard in that dress was doing him no favours, and was not helping him pretend like he wasn’t head over heels in love with her.

At least the good thing was because she had no helmet, that meant no video feed. At least Joker wouldn’t have to endure watching all the men in that party ogle her as she went passed, because Shepard was likely not to notice it.

“Did you really mean that Mr. Moreau?” EDI asked.

“Mean what EDI?” Joker asked, pulling himself out of his thoughts.

“That you prefer the Commander in armour. I was under the impression you were quite aroused at the sight of her in that dress.” EDI said.

Joker flushed bright red. “EDI! Keep your voice down, you wanna tell the whole ship? And why do you have to phrase it like that? I mean yeah, she looks gorgeous, but uncomfortable. She’s not herself.”

“I see. So you are happier when she is comfortable in what she is wearing.”

“Yeah. Why do you ask anyway?”

“I am striving to understand organics as well as I can. One of the many things I do not understand about organics is their romantic relations. I hope to understand this through observing your interaction with Shepard.”

Joker raised an eyebrow. “That mean you’ve been spying on us for your research project?”

“I do not spy Mr. Moreau. You and Shepard make no secret of your nightly meetings. I will cease to observe these interactions if you wish.”

“Yeah, make sure you do that. I don’t like the idea of an AI listening to everything we say.”

“I am always listening Mr. Moreau. But rest assured, personal information will not go beyond you and Shepard.”

“Noted. Keep it that way EDI.” Joker said.

He flipped on the comm channel to the main battery. “Hey Garrus, what do you bet that Shepard’s going to screw up this mission and start shooting people in ten minutes?”

“Hah. Shows what you know about Shepard. Make that bet five minutes and you’re on.”

“I have a little more faith in the Commander. Five minutes it is, you’re on Vakarian.”

“I would like to make a bet of twenty minutes.” EDI said.

“You got it EDI.”

Tali came over the intercom. “Fifteen minutes for me!” she cried.

“Got it.” Joker said typing in the info into a datapad. “Timer starts now, they just entered. All bets are set. Good luck guys.”

In the end, Joker won the bet. Because of course he did, he knew the Commander better than anyone. And so ten minutes in, Shepard had broken into Hoff’s room and starting shooting up his guards. Joker could hear her and Kasumi over the comms, but he stayed quiet so he wouldn’t distract them. He always hated flying blind when Shepard was on a ground mission, but he wasn’t worried about this mission until he heard gun shots.

Hoff had laid a trap for them.

“Shepard you okay?” Joker asked over their private comm.

“We’re fine Joker. Got a bit of resistance here. Might need an evac, like soon.”

“Tell me when and where.” Joker said, already gearing up the Normandy for travel.

“Heli pad on the rooftop, we’re heading there. The Normandy’s too big to fit, a shuttle will do. ETA about ten minutes – Ow! Dammit! – Make that fifteen minutes.”

“Commander! You okay?”

“Got hit in the arm. Damn I hate this dress! Kasumi installed shields in the necklace but they’re not very strong, got taken down in a minute – oh for the love of god… _Kasumi take down that mech!_ On the double! I’ll handle the turrent, just focus on the Atlas! – For fuck sake I have a wall of enemies, I’m in a dress and I have a pistol. Could this be the longest day of my life?”

“Hang in there Commander, I’m sending a shuttle to the landing pad now. ETA ten minutes, we’ll be waiting for you.” Joker tried not to think about how panicked he was becoming.

“Good man. See you soon Joker. Dammit Kasumi I’ve got two troopers on my ass – take down that damn Atlas so I can move!” the sound of an explosion. “Thank you! Alright let’s move! Observing radio silence.”

“Roger that Commander.” Joker bit down on his bottom lip, chewing it anxiously.

“EDI, can you get a reading on Shepard’s condition?”

“Without her armour it’s slightly difficult to pinpoint, but near as I can tell, apart from the small bullet wound on her arm, she is just fine.”

“Thanks. Mind the ship EDI, I’m taking the shuttle down to get her.”

Normally Joker didn’t pilot the shuttles, but he needed to be down there, not some Cerberus agent. Getting the shuttle to the location was the easy part, then came the helicarrier. Joker had to do some serious aerial manoeuvers to get out of its way and stay hidden. He took refuge behind a nearby building, hovering to observe the action. If that helicarrier was doing what he thought it was doing…

Sure enough, there on the rooftop he saw Shepard and Kasumi, firing at the helicarrier and desperately taking cover from the troopers and mechs piling onto the roof. The carrier was not going to let up, it sent missile after missile that thankfully the girls managed to keep out of the way from, focussing their attention on the troopers, until they were taken care of and once again they could shoot at the carrier. They weren’t getting very far though, that thing’s shields were tough.

“If you can get its shields up and keep it occupied Shepard, I have a plan.” Kasumi said over the comms.

“Make it quick Kasumi.” Shepard stepped out of cover and bolted down the roof, the carrier firing at her the entire time.

Joker nearly had a heartattack at the sight. He decided he needed to lend a hand. He locked onto the carrier with the kodiak’s weapon system, and launched a special tech disarming missile. It hit dead on target, and disabled the shields completely, and Joker took the opportunity to fly in and smash into the carrier with the nose of the Kodiak.

It was strong, not likely to be damaged much by the impact, and it was stronger than the guns on board, able to do much more damage to the carrier’s armour. With Joker’s damage the carrier was vulnerable, leaving Kasumi the opportunity to jump up and plant a few small but powerful explosives. The carrier came crashing down in a fiery explosion, and Shepard and Kasumi made their way to the helipad, where Joker zoomed on over to meet them.

“Cutting it a little close this time aren’t we Commander?” he joked.

“Joker? That you in there?”

“Who’d you expect? You know anyone else that can fly like that?”

Shepard chuckled.

“Fancy flying,” Kasumi commented as they got in.

“Thanks.” Joker grinned.

Shepard just shook her head and took a well-deserved seat. Once they got back to the Normandy, Shepard reported to Chakwas to get her arm patched up, as well as several other cuts and bruises she’d acquired. Fighting without armour looked to be a pain. No wonder she’d been nervous about this mission.

Joker wandered in to the medical bay some hours later, worried because Shepard hadn’t yet come out. He needn’t have worried, she was having a drink with Chakwas when he came in, and seemed none the worse for wear.

“Hey Commander.” He smiled. “How’s the arm?”

“Joker!” Shepard beamed. “All better, I’m fit for action. What time is it?”

“About ten past ten,” Joker answered.

“Oh damn, I’ve been here that long? I’d better get up to the flight deck. I’ll see you later doc.”

“Always a pleasure Commander.” Chakwas smiled.

Shepard ended up in the co-pilot’s chair beside Joker, like she always did. Joker handed her a cup of coffee, and she accepted it with a smile. She had a book in her hand, a real book made of paper. It looked old, very old. It must have cost a fortune. Well, if Kasumi hadn’t stolen it anyway.

“Glad that’s over,” Joker muttered.

“You and me both,” Shepard sighed. “I feel bad for Kasumi though. All she has left of Keiji are those memories.”

“You sounds like you’re sorry for her.”

“I guess I am. She won’t move on with those memories intact, but I couldn’t bear to take them away from her. It’s bad enough knowing how it feels to have a loved one taken away from you, worse when it wasn’t by choice.”

Joker glanced at her. “Are you alright Kat?”

“I don’t know.” Shepard answered honestly. “I received this while I was in the medbay.”

Joker took the datapad she offered to him, and read through Kaidan’s message. He felt like punching him in the face. Would, if he were here. He turned angry eyes to the Commander.

“Is he serious?” he snapped. “How dare he! Say the word Commander, I’ll find him and sic the entire team on him, I’m sure they’d be more than happy to help.”

“No that’s not necessary,” Shepard sighed, taking the datapad back. “It’s just got me thinking.”

“About what? What could he possibly be making you think after that? It’s beneath you to even bother with him.” Joker said angrily.

“I’m just thinking, maybe if I’d said something different…or maybe…I don’t know. Maybe I could have made him understand. Maybe we could make it work.”

“You want him back?” Joker asked incredulously. “He left you once, he’ll do it again! You can’t go back to him Kat he doesn’t deserve you!”

“I’m not going back to him,” Shepard assured him. “But what if I end up like Kasumi? What if I end up drowning in memories, doing anything to relive them? Unable to live my life…”

“You won’t be like that.” Joker said firmly.

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because I _know_ you.” Joker turned to her, desperate to make her understand. “Don’t listen to Alenko. Listen to me – the guy that _didn’t_ walk out on you. You won’t ever be like that because you’re stronger and better than that.”

Joker took a nervous breath, and forced himself to continue.

“Shepard, everything I told you on Illium, about that girl I was into? That girl was _you_. I was talking about you.”

Shepard’s eyes widened, and she seemed to freeze in her chair.

“And I know a guy like me won’t ever have a chance with a woman like you. You’re a million times out of my league, but I just wanted you to know that Alenko is wrong. Whatever he thinks doesn’t matter anymore, because he never really saw you for you. I do. You’ll come back fighting like you always do, and when Alenko comes slinking back I’ll be there to laugh in his face.”

Joker looked away, unable to look Shepard in the eye. “Maybe I’m not fooling myself I dunno. I mean, am I? Fooling myself?”

He glanced nervously up at her, and saw she was smiling. Bashfully, she glanced away, but she didn’t stop smiling.

“I don’t think you’re fooling yourself Joker,” she murmured.

Joker blinked. “You…you’re kidding…”

Shepard glanced up, looking almost shy. She shook her head.

Joker sat back in his chair, wind pushed out of his body.

“Huh.” He said eventually.

Shepard giggled. “That all you have to say?”

“Not sure what I can say,” Joker admitted. “I was so sure you’d slap me or something.”

“Joker, have I ever given you the impression I was uninterested in your company?” Shepard said patiently.

“I…no?”

Shepard smiled warmly. Joker looked so cute when he was nervous.

“Joker, you’ve been with me since the beginning of all this. You’ve been there for me through everything. I meant what I was saying to you before too, any girl would be lucky to have you.”

Joker sighed, and his shoulders slumped. “Not you though.” He muttered.

“Why not?”

“Shepard look at me.” Joker said sadly. “I’m a sarcastic pilot with legs like jelly. You’re a beautiful deadly marine that could just as easily charm the pants off a guy as kill him with a fork. What could I be to you?”

“A friend, a confident, a shoulder to lean on. Someone to cheer me up when I’m upset, calm me down when I panic, make me laugh, make me smile, fly me through my crazy missions, make witty banter with me when I’m fighting.” Shepard smiled. “Make friendly wages on the success ratio of my missions. I know you won the bet for today’s mission.”

Joker looked at her sheepishly, but Shepard just laughed.

“I was worried about you today.” He admitted. “I guess I’m kind of always worried, but today it was worse. Thinking about you getting shot at with no armour…”

“I’m okay, thank you.” Shepard said softly. “During my early N7 days I was sent on many infiltration missions, usually I’d have to dress up and seduce or charm my way to information on whatever. Whenever I got found out, I picked up a lot of injuries in fights. I prefer dodging the targets that are more obviously trying to kill me.”

“That the reason you hate wearing dresses so much?” Joker asked.

“Partly. It started when the batarians attacked. I was just a young girl, wearing a dress my sister had made me. Because of that I looked weak, and since then no one has ever taken me seriously when I’m in dresses, men look at me like they can beat me, manipulate me, they underestimate a pretty face. It infuriates me when people think I’m weak just because I look pretty. I have to be twice as tough to earn half the amount of respect.”

Joker bit his lip. “I can understand that. I was only worried for you because you didn’t have your usual protection, of course I knew you’d be fine, there’s no one I respect more than you I was just concerned that – oh hell I’m no good at this.”

Shepard smiled. “It’s okay Joker I know what you mean. Starting to doubt me?”

“Never.” Joker replied. “I’m sorry Katherine, I don’t think you’re weak even when you’re dressed like that, I know you can take down anything, armour or no armour.”

Shepard chuckled. “See? You’re already everything to me Joker. One thing that you’re not, is a lover. But that could change.”

“You wouldn’t prefer someone like Garrus?” Joker asked doubtfully.

“Garrus?” Shepard paused for a moment, before she started laughing. “Oh Joker, is that what you were worried about? That I was in love with Garrus?”

Joker shrugged. “You two are close, and very alike. It makes sense.”

Shepard grinned at him, and shook her head. “Garrus is like a brother to me, I told you before. Joker tell me something, I know I make it a habit of getting to be close with my team, but do you really think I sit for hours at night talking like I do with you, with anyone else?”

Joker pulled his cap over his face in embarrassment. “You’re saying I should have made my move ages ago.”

Shepard laughed, and Joker groaned. He peeked up at her from under his cap.

“I just figured, after Alenko…it wouldn’t be right to just pounce the second you were available. I’m that kind of guy Kat, I respect you too much for that.”

Shepard leaned over and rested her hand on his shoulder. “And that, Joker, is why I’m still here. You were there to help me after Kaidan, you’ve been there for me like no one else ever has.”

“Commander,” EDI piped up. “I am very sorry to bother you, but there is an incident in the cargo hold. Grunt is tearing up the hold again, and Engineer Daniels would feel safer if you came down to take control of the situation.”

Shepard looked mildly irritated, but Joker knew she was furious inside.

“Alright EDI, I’ll be down right away.” She said.

Shepard stood up, but before she left, she leaned down and pressed her lips to Joker’s cheek.

“Until later Flight Lieutenant,” she smiled.   

“Look forward to it ma’am,” Joker’s grin could light up the room, his voice sounding slightly out of breath as she pat his shoulder one more time, and left for the cargo hold.

Joker was grinning for the next hour.


	10. Chapter 10

“When was the last time you ate?” Joker questioned, looking at Shepard as she worked on another model ship.

Shepard shrugged unknowingly. “Been a bit preoccupied with Miranda’s sister. Are we close to Jacob’s father’s distress signal?”

“ETA about five hours. You should get some sleep.”

“Can’t. Too jumpy.” She answered.

“Because you just jumped from one mission to another without a break, and just finished cleaning up the crew in poker.”

Shepard smirked. “Turians are terrible poker players. It’s the sub-harmonics that give them away.”

“Humans can’t even hear their sub-harmonics.” Joker argued.

Shepard tapped her ear. “Cerberus implants.” Was all she said.

Right. Made sense.

“Teach me your ways oh great leader,” he joked.

She smiled in amusement. “I may just do that. It’s no fun when there’s no challenge. That’s what I love about Thane, can never tell what that guy’s thinking.”

“To be fair Commander, you’ve never played me in poker while you’re sober.” Joker smirked.

“Oh yeah? You any good when I’m not handicapped Flight Lieutenant?” she teased, glancing up from her model.

 “Best pilot in the galaxy remember? You think I got top of my school because I showed weakness? You’ll never see my tells Commander, I’m a master at bluffing.”

“Alright Joker, you’re on. Tomorrow night I’m bringing down the cards, and no drinks this time.”

“Look forward to taking all your money.”

“So confident already Joker, rookie mistake.” Shepard tutted.

“I didn’t get where I am without being confident,”

“Is that right? Because I seem to recall a certain pilot being too shy to admit he had feelings for me, which resulted in a very awkward, yet endearing, confession in this very cockpit.” Shepard said smugly.

“You’re never going to let me live that down are you?” Joker groaned.

“Never.” Shepard smirked. “That’s what girlfriends are for; reminding you of all the embarrassing shit you’ve done.”

Joker paused, looking over at Shepard. “Is that you are? My girlfriend?”

“You don’t want me to be?” Shepard looked shocked.

“No! I mean yes! I mean – dammit! – lemme start again. Of course I want you to be my girlfriend, but I dunno we didn’t really talk about it much after…”

“Oh.” Realisation dawned on Shepard’s face. “Oh Joker I’m so sorry I didn’t realise I…I’m such an idiot. Sorry. I just thought, well it was settled already. Since I like you, and you like me, I didn’t think we needed to talk about it further, I’m sorry I should have said something.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” Joker laughed in relief. “Just so long as we’re on the same page now. So, you’re my girl now huh?”

“Yup.” Shepard smirked. “And you’re my fly-boy right?”

“Always,” Joker winked.

Shepard giggled. She leaned over the armrest to kiss Joker’s cheek. Joker got bold, and caught her lips with his when she went to pull away. She smiled into the kiss, giggling again when they finally part.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a long damn time,” he admitted.

“Yeah? Just how long are we talking?” Shepard rested her chin in her hand, a fond smile on her face.

“Longer than I should probably admit,” Joker blushed. “Let’s just say there was a reason Alenko and I stopped getting along on the SR-1.”

“That long?” Shepard’s eyes widened. “Oh Joker, why didn’t you tell me?”

Joker shrugged. “I didn’t think you’d be interested, and then you got with Alenko and I didn’t want to come between that. But it doesn’t matter now, I’m here and Alenko’s not.”

“Yeah, you are.” Shepard murmured affectionately. She reached over and swiped his cap from his head with a grin.

“Hey!”

Shepard chuckled, tipping the cap to be crooked on her head, and sticking out her tongue. Joker attempted to snatch his hat back, but Shepard got up from her chair out of his reach, grinning like a fool.

“Alright you’ve had your fun; I guess I won’t show you my surprise then.” Joker said casually.

“Surprise? What surprise?”

“Well, you won’t give me my hat back, so I guess you don’t get it…” Joker smirked.

 His cap was pushed onto his head. “Alright you win! Now what’s this surprise?”

Joker chuckled and got out of his chair. “Come on, let’s go down to the mess and I’ll show you.”

Curiously, Shepard followed Joker down to the crew deck. He led her to the ship’s little kitchen, and gestured for Shepard to sit. Shepard hopped up on the counter and watched Joker reach up into one of high cupboards and take something out.

“I had this specially ordered from Earth, I’ve had it stashed away for ages just for this sort of occasion.”

“Oh? And what occasion is that?” Shepard asked curiously, tilting her head to one side.

Joker grinned and turned to her. “Check the date.”

Frowning slightly, Shepard brought up her calendar on her omni-tool. By the Earth calendar, it was 12:00 am on a Wednesday, May 2nd. It was her birthday. She blinked in surprise.

“Happy birthday Commander,” Joker said softly.

“I completely forgot…” Shepard murmured.

“You’ve had a lot on your mind,” Joker conceded. “So, do you want this to be your 31st or 29th? Being dead for two years kind of leaves you with options.”

Shepard sniggered quietly. “29th. Technically I haven’t lived the last two years.”

“Then happy 29th Kat. And your favourite pilot has a special surprise planned. Ta-da!”

“Is that…is that mac and cheese?” Shepard cried. “ _Real_ mac and cheese? How did you get this!?”

“I have my ways,” Joker laughed. “Sit tight and I’ll cook it up for you. Oh, and there’s a gift in your cabin too.”

“You – you’re completely spoiling me Joker,” Shepard stammered.

“That’s the idea. Better get used to it, you’re my girl now and I’m going to treat you like it.”          

Shepard chuckled. “Such a gentleman.”

“Ah, that I am not. But I make a mean plate of mac and cheese so I think that makes up for it.”

“You’re talking an awful lot of trash pre-game Joker, this mac and cheese better be spectacular.” Shepard leaned back on her hands.

Joker laughed. “Just you wait Commander. If we ever get decent rations I’ll cook a proper meal for you. I used to cook all the time at home, Gunny was obsessed with my specialty dish, sweet and sour chicken. I’ll make it for you if we’re ever on Earth, or somewhere where I can the right ingredients.”

“So you’re the cook of the family then?” Shepard smiled. “That’s sweet, you don’t have to do that for me Joker.”

“I want to. It’s one of the only ways I know how to let the people I care about know I care about them. I learned to cook from my mother, she said the best way to take care of your loved ones was through good food. When she died, I dunno I guess it became the reason I developed the interest in cooking.” Joker told her.

“How did she die? I’ve never heard you talk about your mother,”

“When I was about 13 her ship crash landed, mechanical failures. She was the pilot. Didn’t survive.”

“I’m sorry. Is that why you became a pilot?”

“Yeah. Dad was against it, didn’t want me going the same way as mom, but I insisted.”

“That’s sweet.” Shepard said fondly. “What does your sister want to do?”

Joker grinned. “She wants to join the Alliance when she gets older, wants to be an N7 like you.”

“Like me?”

“She adores you, you know that. Do you remember when we went to see her and dad on Tiptree?”

Shepard smiled, remembering. “Yeah. I remember that. Cute kid. She’ll be a good marine.”

“I’ve still got the photo of you two.” Joker smiled. “Ah, here we go. Fresh from the dehydrated packet to your delight my lady, I give you, the simple yet elegant dish; mac and cheese. Bon appetite.”

“Thank you Chef Moreau,” Shepard got down from the counter and leaned against it as Joker placed the dish beside her.

She let it cool for a moment before grabbing a fork and trying a piece. Her eyes went wide and she squealed.

“Joker this is amazing! These packet things usually stink; how did you make it taste so good?” she cried.

“Like I said, I’m a brilliant cook. It’s all talent babe,” he winked at her, making her laugh.

“Well we should share your talented creation then,” Shepard got some of the noodles on her fork and fed them to Joker.

Together they shared the mac and cheese, trading stories and witty comments, as they always did. Sitting on the kitchen counter, Shepard couldn’t think of a time when she felt so at ease. They ended up in Shepard’s cabin, with fine wine Miranda had gotten Shepard as a thank you for helping her sister, and Joker gave her his gift,       

“Go on, open it.” He said over his wine glass.

Shepard gave a lazy smile and unwrapped the box. She gasped.

“The model Normandy!” she cried. “Aw Joker, thank you!”

Joker laughed as she hugged him, and pressed her lips enthusiastically to his cheek. He wrapped his arms around her as she settled comfortably against him. He kissed her temple.

“Happy birthday Katherine,” he murmured.


	11. Chapter 11

“Talk to me Joker, what have we got?” Shepard made her way urgently down the CIC towards the cockpit.

It was early in the morning cycle, and she seemed to be the only member of the crew not bleary-eyed with interrupted sleep. The call had come just an hour ago, a distress signal that had woken the entire ship. Joker had been particularly annoyed by it, as he was quite content lying next to a still-asleep Shepard.

They’d ended up falling asleep the night before, and when Shepard woke she hadn’t sent him away, just shifted until she was in his arms and dozed off back to sleep. Once the alarm had gone off however, it hadn’t taken long for Shepard to be ready for action.

“As near as I can tell, the distress signal originates from the Hades Gamma, which would explain why EDI’s system picked it up, being so close to that cluster.” Joker answered.

“Any information on the ones that sent it?” she enquired.

“You’re not going to like this Commander; it came from a batarian ship.” Joker said. “A slaver ship.”

A dark look crossed Shepard’s face.

“It is thought the distress signal did not come from the slavers,” EDI said. “I have detected no danger in the immediate vicinity of the ship, so it is likely one of slaves sent the signal.”

Shepard glanced at EDI, then straightened up. “Then we go in. Just what I wanted for my birthday, to shoot up some batarian slavers.”

“Stealth engaged, we’re going in.” Joker reported. He glanced at Shepard from the corner of his eye.

“You going to be okay Katherine?”

Shepard let out a breath, her straight shoulders slumping a little.

“Sure.” She glanced at his unbelieving look and sighed. “I don’t know…”

“Hey.” Joker said softly, he reached back and took Shepard’s hand, squeezing it gently. “It’s gonna be okay. I’m gonna be right with you the whole time.”

Shepard gave him a small smile. “I know you will.” She murmured. “Thanks Jeff.”

“Anything for you.” He grinned.

Shepard chuckled, letting go of Joker’s hand. “Wish me luck,”

“Knock em dead babe,” Joker winked.

Shepard reached back to her holster, and cocked her assault rifle with a grin. “Will do.”

 

 

“It’s quiet,” Garrus commented, sniper at the ready.

“Too quiet.” Shepard agreed.

“Perhaps this is a trap, and they are waiting further in.” Samara suggested.

“One way to find out.” Shepard gripped her rifle and delved further into the ship.

As they ventured in, pieces of the puzzle began to make sense. There were dead batarians scattered over the ground, and dead slaves too. Had EDI been wrong, and their ship had been attacked by some other threat?

“Look at this,” Garrus crouched by the body of a dead batarian. “The wounds on this batarian, it looks like he was beaten to death. His head’s all smashed in, like he’s been clubbed.”

“And the slaves,” Samara shone a biotic light over a nearby slave’s body.

“Bullet wounds.” Shepard realised. “They’ve been shot.”   

The team looked at each other, thinking of the implications. A slave rebellion? It seemed likely. There were no other threats in the area, and the different wounds made sense; the slavers had guns, but their slaves would have to make do with any heavy and flat object they could find, essentially clubbing their masters to death.  

“The question is; who raised the distress signal?” Garrus murmured.

“We need to search for survivors.” Shepard said. “If it was the batarians who raised the alarm it was because the slaves were overwhelming them, which means they had a good chance of winning. If it was the slaves, then we may find some slavers still alive in the ship. Which means we shoot on sight.”

Samara led the way with her biotic light, Garrus coming up the rear with his sniper rifle. They were met with surprisingly little resistance. Small pockets of batarians sometimes challenged them, but they weren’t aggressive so much as scared and desperate. The slaves overcoming the masters’ theory seemed to be much more likely; those slavers were hiding from something alright.

So far they hadn’t come across any remaining slaves, just a lot of bodies from either side. It was looking rather grim. They came to a fork in the path they were taking, one tunnel went left, and the other right. The door to the right was flashing red, and the one to the left was broken, laying half-open by force.

“Shepard, I will investigate the right door.” Samara offered.

“Alright Samara, Garrus and I will meet you back here. If you’re not back in an hour, we’ll come in and look for you.” Shepard replied.

“Very well Shepard.”

The team split, and Shepard forced the door open enough for Garrus to squeeze through, before following him inside, gun at the ready. Inside they found more batarian bodies, and hidden in a closet space was four children in slave rags.

“Shepard.” Garrus called when he spotted them.

Shepard signalled for weapons to be put away, and approached the children huddled in the closet.

“It’s okay I’m not going to hurt you.” She said softly. “Can you tell me what happened?”

One of the girls nodded shakily. “T-the grownups came through with pincers, removing p-p-pieces off the others…then the masters starting s-shooting everyone, and papa he…he led everyone against the masters…we hid in here.”

“Removing pieces?” Garrus said horrified. “Sounds gruesome.”

“Did the masters remove pieces off people?” Shepard asked.

The girl shook her head. “No, papa did.”

“The slaves?” Garrus murmured. “Why would they…did they go crazy?”

“Did anyone remove pieces off you?” Shepard asked the children.

They shook their heads, and Shepard sighed in relief.

“It’s going to be okay, an asari friend of mine is going to take you to my ship, and we’ll get you to safety okay? Wait right here and she’ll come and get you.”

She stood and radioed for Samara.

“Samara, find anything down there?”

“No Shepard, just more bodies. I found a small group of crazed slaves, but I subdued them without harming them. With your permission I’ll take them back to the Normandy and deliver them to Dr. Chakwas for examination.”

“Permission granted. There are some children down our way, I want you to take them back with you as well. Garrus will assist you.”

“Very good Shepard, I am on my way to your position.”

“Garrus,” Shepard said. “Wait here for Samara and take these kids back to the Normandy. I’ll join you both once I’ve checked out the end of this hallway.”

“Alright Shepard, shout if you need us.”

Shepard nodded, and turned back to the kids. “My turian friend here is going to keep you safe, he and my asari friend are going to escort you back to my ship, my crew will take care of you. Okay?”

The children looked up at Garrus, and nodded. Garrus, as delicately as he could, held one of the child’s hand, and the children linked hands to follow him down the hall, while Shepard delved deeper into the ship to investigate the last chamber in the hallway. From the scans on her omni-tool, it was where the distress signal originated from.

It was either a frightened slave in there, or a dangerous slaver.

Gun at the ready, Shepard launched into the room. She scanned the room, looking for enemies. Nothing. Then suddenly, a sound at the back of the room had her spinning around to meet the potential threat. She could see nothing, but she could hear it. A person behind a counter; hiding.

She crept closer to the counter, lowering her gun slightly. “Whoever’s hiding better come out, I’m not going to hurt you, unless you’re a batarian, then if you could shoot yourself and save me the trouble that’d be great.”  

Shepard ducked quickly around the counter to trap whatever was hiding behind it. She raised her gun in case it was an enemy, looking at them down the barrel of her gun. But she stopped once her vision cleared, and she saw just who was hiding there. Her gun fell from her limp fingers, and clattered to the ground as she stood there, numb with shock.

“ _Adrien_ …?”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to make up for the short chapter last time, here's a longer one for you! my back is breaking from being hunched over so long but I was so excited to write this one I didn't want to stop.

Shepard sighed, her head buried in her arms. The observation deck was quiet, Kasumi had respectfully given her some space as she sat down at the bar and gone to find Jacob to chat with.

She wasn’t drinking – much. She’d had maybe three drinks, Kasumi’s store was pretty hard-hitting stuff, but thanks to Cerberus the alcohol processed much faster, leaving her able to drink a lot more. She’d specifically asked to be left alone, so no one disturbed her, not even Joker. By now the whole crew knew about the man that sat at the medical bay with the other rescued slaves, being examined by Dr. Chakwas.

They all knew who he was. Shepard would be mad at Joker if she didn’t know EDI had also heard their conversation, and probably told any crew member who asked. EDI didn’t really understand the need for privacy after all, she probably thought she was helping.

Shepard’s head was swimming, and not because of the drinks. She sighed again. She couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened back at the batarian ship.

_She crouched down slowly, squinting at the man hunched in the corner._

_“Adrien…is that you?” she scanned his face, looking for signs of her brother._

_Sure enough, there was a thin scar over his left eyebrow, identical to hers before she’d been rebuilt by Cerberus. They’d been born with it, complications with their birth had left them with that small scar. There was no denying it; this was her twin brother sitting in front of her._

_“Adrien…Adrien it’s me, it’s Kathy.” Shepard whispered, reaching out slowly to him._

_He flinched back and she pulled her hand away. He looked at her with no recognition at all. Could she be mistaken? He was wearing dog tags, and could see the number 56970 stamped on it, the name Shepard written after the number sequence. No, there was no doubt. It was Adrien. But why didn’t he know her?_

_She cleared her throat. “56970?”_

_Adrien responded to the number, nodding silently, and cocking his head to one side, as though awaiting orders. Well if that’s how she’d get him to come back with her, that’s what she was going to do._

_“56970, follow me. I’m not going to hurt you, I’m going to get you medical attention, do you understand 56970?”_

_Adrien nodded, and he stood as Shepard stood up and collected her gun. At seeing the gun Adrien gasped and scampered away from her._

_“56870 it’s okay! I promise I’m not going to hurt you.” Shepard holstered her gun and held out her hands to show she meant no harm. “I need you to follow me. No one’s going to hurt you. Okay?”_

_Shakily, Adrien followed her. Shepard moved slowly, looking back every now and then to check if he was still following her. She radioed the Normandy._

_“Joker? Joker come in,” there was only static on the other end and she frowned._

_The Normandy’s comm system seemed to be down. She tried her team comm channel, Garrus answered, clear as a bell._

_“Garrus, I need you to meet me at the airlock. I’ve got another one for the doc,” she said._

_“Sure thing Shepard.”_

_“And Garrus?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_She swallowed thickly. “Can you get Joker? The Normandy’s comms are down.”_

_“Right away. You okay Shepard?”_

_“I…” she gulped. “Not sure…”_

_“If you need anything, you know where to find me Shepard. I’ll tell Joker to get you on a private channel.”_

_“Thanks Garrus.”_

_There was a moment of static before the interference cleared, and she could hear Joker’s breathing over the comm._

_“Sorry Shepard I was in the mess. EDI and I got the comms working, don’t know what set them down, it won’t happen again I promise –”_

_“Jeff.” Shepard’s voice wobbled, and broke. She was seconds away from crying, but she couldn’t let that happen where her crew could see her._

_“Katherine?” Joker’s voice immediately grew concerned. “Babe what is it? Are you okay?”_

_“I…I found Adrien. On the ship.” Shepard said quietly. “He…doesn’t recognise me.”_

_“Oh shit…”_

No matter what Shepard did, she couldn’t get her mind away from the image of Adrien’s face, scared and gaunt and utterly unrecognizable. He barely resembled the boy he used to be, it had been 17 years since Shepard had seen him. How was he alive? Why did no one tell her? Why didn’t the Alliance track down the enslaved colonists? They should have sent her in! They should have let her go after them! She didn’t even want to think about what the last 17 years had been like for her brother, for him to not even know who she was.

She was so out of it she didn’t even hear Joker enter the room. She didn’t notice him until he was sitting next to her, and nudged her gently with his elbow.

“Hey Whiskers,” he smiled.

She gave a tiny smile back, but it crumbled almost as soon as she made it. To stop herself bursting into tears again, she tipped back her head and drained the contents of her glass before pouring herself another. She offered the bottle to Joker, who shook his head.

“Someone has to be sober to get you to bed, otherwise you’ll fall asleep slumped over the bar and I don’t think Kasumi would appreciate that.” He said.

“I don’t think I’ll be sleeping much tonight,”

Joker clicked his tongue. “I’m not good with this kind of thing, so I’ll skip straight to the chase. The doc wanted me to get you, it’s about Adrien,”

“What about him? Is he okay?” Shepard’s panic mounted.

“Yeah, yeah he’s fine. Chakwas has found something, she wants to see you.”

“Okay.” Shepard sighed.

“I’ll stay with you, that okay?”

“I’m not a child Joker!” Shepard snapped.

Joker flinched slightly, cringing at her tone. She groaned and slapped her hand to her face.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. Just a little frazzled. I appreciate the concern Joker, I really do, but I will be fine I don’t need you to take care of me _all_ the time babe.” She sighed.

Joker relaxed. “Alright, it’s okay. I know you’re not exactly used to it, but let me be there for you at least a little bit, yeah? Come on, let’s go see the doc.”

Shepard nodded and followed Joker to the med bay. The children they’d rescued where sleeping comfortably on beds, while the adults had been examined by the doc and headed to the sleeper pods for some rest. All that remained in the med day where Dr. Chakwas, the sleeping children, and Adrien, sitting on a bed with a blank expression as the doc examined him.

“Ah, Commander. Glad you could come at such short notice,” the doc said as Shepard came in.

Joker took a seat by the doc’s desk as Chakwas gestured for Shepard to come closer. Shepard looked down at her brother, who was now cleaned up and looked much calmer, but still held that blank expression, devoid of all recognition.

“What seems to be the problem doc?” she asked.

“I read your report about the children’s accounts stating that the adults were cutting pieces off the slaves. I think I may have figured out what they meant by that. Take a look here, just at the base of the neck, you see that lump of skin?”

“Yes I see it,” Shepard said examining Adrien’s neck. “What is it doc?”

“Well I’ve done some preliminary scans and I have discovered that it is in fact a control chip. I believe the children are not fitted with control chips until they’re older, so the adults would have no reason to tear them out of their necks. This would explain the children’s accounts however, if one adult managed to be free of their control chip and began to tear out the other’s from their necks – it would have been painful and bloody, which would have frightened the unaware children, and it would explain the slave’s crazed states when Samara found them. Through examination I found several wounds on the back of the neck of the slaves which indicates their control ship had been removed.” Chakwas explained.

“Adrien has a control chip? That would explain why he doesn’t know you Kat,” Joker commented.

“Can we take it out? Will it make him go crazy like the others?” Shepard asked.

“Surgically yes, I can remove the control chip without damaging him. What it will do to his mind however, is unknown. I’ve never worked on a patient with a control chip that has been installed for so many years. But I believe it’s the best option Commander, leaving him as he is now, he is in a vegetative state. Even if his mind goes with the chip comes out, there are hopes of therapy to revive him. Like he is now there is no future for him.” Chakwas said.

Shepard deliberated, and took a deep breath. She nodded.

“Do it doc, but I want to be here through the surgery. Joker, can you set a course for the Citadel please? And see if EDI can track down my turian foster family.”

“Aye aye Commander. Come see me when you’re done, tell me how it went.”

Shepard smiled and nodded, though the smile was mostly just for show, Joker could tell how tense she was.

The surgery took hours. The control chip had been part of Adrien for so long it was difficult to remove without causing pain or damage, so Chakwas took her time to do it as efficiently as possible. Shepard actually ended up asleep slumped over the desk while the doc worked, and was woken several hours later by a gentle shaking to the shoulder.

“Commander, the procedure is finished. He should come out of unconsciousness at any moment,”

Shepard blinked sleepily and sat up, rubbing her face with a tired yawn.

“How did it go doc?” she mumbled.

“Very well, there’s no permanent damage, and scans of his brain indicate his mental state is untouched.” Chakwas said proudly.

“Thanks doc,” Shepard smiled.

She got up and went over to the bed that Adrien was now sleeping in, and sat on the edge of it, waiting for him to wake. Chakwas stepped out of the medbay for some much needed food, while Shepard stayed with Adrien, waiting for him to wake. She sat next to him, and began to hum quietly.

She hummed a song her mother used to sing when she would put the kids to bed to get them to sleep, even today Shepard listened to the song in her quarters before she slept, and right now the song seemed appropriate to comfort herself.

“Commander, EDI has an extranet address for Marcus if you’d like to message him. And our sources say Caiso is on Palaven, if you’re interested.” Joker said over the comms.

“Okay, thanks Joker. Send the information to my private terminal, I’ll check it out once Adrien wakes up.”

“Aye aye Commander.”

Shepard went back to humming, going through her datapad with the information Joker sent her, and began to type a message to Marcus, who she was hoping was still on the Citadel under C-Sec. But if Caiso was on Palaven, that could mean the family moved back to the homeworld. She was going to find out either way, if they could take care of Adrien while he recovered.

That’s when Adrien stirred gently beside her. Her humming faltered, and she ceased to type on her datapad to turn and face him. Adrien blinked blearily at his surroundings, trying to bring his world into focus, and Shepard waited anxiously.

“Adrien…?” she murmured. “Adrien, can you hear me?”

Adrien turned towards her voice, blinking rapidly. He squinted, and frowned, and Shepard’s heart skipped an anxious beat.

“…Kathy? Is that really you?” Adrien rasped.

Shepard felt hot, relieved tears build up and spill down her cheeks as she beamed joyfully down at Adrien. She nodded and let out a sob of relief as she hugged her brother tightly, loosening her grip slightly when Adrien winced.

“You’re okay, oh thank god you’re okay.” She whispered. “I was so scared I’d lost you.”

“Kathy…you’re alive…how…? What…Kathy what’s happening?” Adrien asked, sounding a little delirious. “Am I dead? How can you be here?”

“You’re not dead Adrien, I’m really here.” Shepard said, letting go of him and leaned back to see his face. “It’s a long, long story. I didn’t die on Mindoir, I was taken in by a turian family and then I joined the Alliance when I came of age. I had no idea anyone from the colony had survived the attack, have you been captive ever since that day?”

Adrien took a breath, appearing to be thinking hard. “Yeah…I remember a little, but the control chip makes the whole thing kind of fuzzy, like it’s not my memory. I was transferred to many different batarian ships, mostly for labour and transporting cargo. I didn’t know anyone else got away, did any of the others make it?”

“I…no.” Shepard said uneasily. “Mother and father died protecting us, the only one who got out of the house in time was me. I didn’t even know you’d made it out alive until today.”

“What about Matthew?” Adrien frowned. “He wasn’t on the colony when the attack came, surely you heard from him? You said you joined the Alliance, like him.”

“As far as I know, Matthew went missing on an expedition escorting scientists out in the Terminus Systems. The Council tried to find him since he was my next of kin, but all they found was the sight his ship was last spotted in, and nothing else.” Shepard answered.

Adrien sighed, and looked down. Shepard took his hands comfortingly, not knowing what to say. What could she say? They’d lost everything, except today she had re-gained a brother, and Adrien had re-lost everything.

“It’s good to see you Kathy,” Adrien eventually said. “It’s good knowing you’re still okay.”

“You too Adrien,” Shepard smiled. “I’m glad I found you. You have a lot of catching up to do, and you need a proper environment to do that in. you can’t stay on the Normandy, we’re running a dangerous operation, that we probably won’t make it back from, so I’m sending word to the turian family that took me in on the Citadel that you need shelter, they’ll take you in.”

Adrien huffed, obviously unhappy at the idea of being separated from his sister again, but nodded.

“I’m sure you know best Kathy, you always do. But you said you’re running a suicide mission? For who, the Alliance?”

Shepard shifted uneasily. “This is another long story. The short version of it, well, I was part of the Alliance for many years, until I got wind of a Reaper threat through Saren, a rouge Spectre the Council assigned me to take down. After a Reaper attacked the Citadel, I stopped it and the Council sent me after the remaining geth that had followed Saren. During one of those mission, a Collector ship came out of nowhere and attacked us. The ship was destroyed, and I…died.

I was dead, in a coma, and clinically brain dead for two years, until Cerberus managed to patch me up and literally revive me from the dead. I went to the Council about the new Collector threat, it’s connected to the Reapers but they won’t help me, so I’m temporarily working with Cerberus to stop the Collectors.”

Adrien blinked. “ _That’s_ the short version? Sister you have a lot of explaining to do, I want to hear this entire story blow by blow.”

“It’s a lot to take in I know,” Shepard apologised. “And I promise I’ll tell you the entire thing once you’re more…settled in. For now, that’s all you need to know. My team will look after you, I love them like they were family, so they’ll treat you much the same. But you must be hungry, so you feel well enough to get up and come eat in the mess? Or we could eat in my quarters if you’d like somewhere quiet,”

“I think I’ll join you in the mess, get to know this crew of yours you call family,” Adrien said.

“You’ll love them. They’re a little crazy, but they’re all wonderful.” Shepard promised.

Crazy was right. Usually the crew dined at different times depending on their shift work, but tonight, Shepard’s team all came to eat together in celebration of not only Shepard’s birthday, but the finding of her long lost twin. There was cake and drinking, music and dance, partying and story-telling all night long.

“Happy birthday Shepard!” Tali cried as she hugged her friend from beside her on the mess table.

Shepard laughed as she hugged back, and saw the team gathering various sized presents together to give to her.

“Aw guys you didn’t have to get me anything,” she blushed.

“Shut up and enjoy it,” Jack smirked. “And open mine first.”

Slightly worried about whatever Jack could have gotten her, she opened her present to find black lacy lingerie. She went bright red as the team wolf-whistled around her, and Joker’s eyes doubled in size.

“Jack,” Shepard whined. “That’s hardly appropriate.”

Jack laughed. “Just thought you’d be needing them Shepard. Call it a little insurance.”

Shepard rolled her eyes and moved on to the next gift, which was from Garrus.

“A Mark II Avenger rifle? These aren’t even out yet!” Shepard cried. “Garrus thank you! You’re the best friend a girl could want!”

Garrus chuckled deeply as Shepard pressed her lips to his cheek plate in thanks, his mandibles clicking in amusement at the childish joy on her face. The next gift, from Tali, was a beautiful envirosuit that looked to be hand-crafted for her. It was Alliance blue, and soft lilac and gold over the fabrics.

“Oh Tali this is beautiful,” she nearly started crying just looking at it.

“Since I’m Tali’Zorah Vas Normandy, that technically makes you all my kin by Quarian law, so you would be my sister Shepard,” Tali explained. “This suit is for when you’re ever on the Flotilla, or you go somewhere where you don’t want to wear your bulky armour but still need to breathe. I thought it an appropriate gift, you certainly have been the sister I never had to me Shepard,”

Shepard hugged the small quarrian tightly, trying not to let her happy tears spill. Sometimes she loved her team so much she could burst. Grunt had admitted to not knowing what to get her, and finding the whole human gift-giving tradition stupid, but he’d gotten her a visor similar to what Garrus wore and all the functionality of a helmet, so Shepard could relieve some weight on her neck in battle and still be protected. Grunt then admitted to Wrex helping him with the gift.

“Remind me to send him a thank you message,” Shepard chuckled. “And thank you Grunt, I love it.”

Grunt mumbled something offensive, but he looked happy to have made her happy. The next gift was Thane’s, which was a prayer book from the Drell religion, and of the Enkindlers. Shepard had expressed interest in learning about different religions across the galaxy, so Shepard relished the opportunity to learn more about the religion of the Drells and the Hanar.

Kasumi had gotten her several old books that she instantly loved to pieces, and Miranda had given her new clothing for her off-duty casual wardrobe. Liara had sent her a photo frame that digitally scrolled through photos of the old crew and the original Normandy, taken during the old days.

Jacob had gotten her some supplies for her gun maintenance, knowing she was running low, and Mordin had gotten her a vid of the Salarian musical he’d played a part in, as he remembered she found it enjoyable to hear him sing. Samara had gotten her a beautiful piece of Asari artwork, and even EDI selected a gift for her through the intranet, and gotten her new fish that were already installed in her fish tank.

“I love you all so much, thank you. This has been the best birthday ever.” Shepard beamed. “But now, we’re gonna get blasted! EDI, turn up the music, it’s time to party guys! No sober people at my birthday party, Commander’s orders!”

The team cheered as the music started laying loudly, and it wasn’t long before everyone was dancing, and drinking, and having a good time. Shepard drank along with all the rest of her team, but snuck away as the night was still young to check on Adrien, who had been enjoying the party with a small smile on his face beside Dr Chakwas near the med bay.

“How are you feeling?” Shepard asked

Adrien looked up from the card game he and the doc were currently playing with Thane, and smiled.

“Better.” He said. “This crew of yours really know how to party. I can see why you like them.”

Shepard chuckled. “Yeah they’re party animals alright. Sorry about the commotion though, I had no idea they were planning this.”

“It was Kasumi’s idea,” Thane said. “When you were drinking in the observation deck, she came and found us all so we could set up the surprise.”      

“Best team a Commander could ever want,” Shepard said proudly, sitting down at the game table with them. “So who’s winning so far?”

“Thane,” Chakwas said slightly sourly. “But that’s about to change.”

“I think not Doctor,” Thane smirked.

“We’ll see about that Lizard Boy,” Adrien muttered.

“Is ganging up on one player not against the rules of this game?” Thane said in mock-tones of offensive.

Adrien looked at Shepard, and they both shrugged at the same time.

“Not in a Shepard’s game.” They said.

Chakwas chuckled. “You two really are twins.”

“Best in the galaxy,” the two Shepards smirked.

“Okay, the whole talking at the same time thing is really creepy,” Joker commented as he made his slow way over to the card table.

“It’s actually comforting. Good to know we still have such a deep connection after all these years,” Shepard smiled.

“Always dear sister,” Adrien smirked. “Now if you’d be so kind as to join our little game so I have some chance of winning something tonight…”

“Win against me?” Shepard grinned. “I’m not a little girl anymore Adrien, I think you’re going to sorely disappointed.”

“Not if I play too,” Joker said. “You’ve never managed to beat me, and you never will.”

“We’ll see about that fly-boy. Alright new game, deal me in.”

In the end, Shepard won three games, Joker four, Thane two; and while Chakwas and Adrien nursed their wounds in the med-bay with fine wine, Shepard and Joker headed up to her cabin for some well-earned rest.

“Next time I’ll beat the pants off of you,” she mumbled as she got out of the shower, a towel wrapped around her hair and one around her damp body.

“Still steamed?” Joker smirked from the bed. “Give it up, you’ll never beat me just admit defeat.”

“Never.”

She got dressed into pyjamas and joined Joker in bed, curling up beside him and lazily putting on his SR-2 cap. He rolled his eyes at her smug expression and kissed her temple, pulling her in closer.

“I’m glad you found your brother,” he murmured. “Did Marcus get back to you?”

“Mm. I’m going to meet him at the Citadel to discuss Adrien, and to catch up of course. If all goes well we’ll be heading to Palaven for our next shore-leave.” Shepard answered.

“We get to be tourist on Palaven? Sweet.”

Shepard chuckled quietly. “Never pegged you as one for sight-seeing Joker.”

“I see the galaxy all the time, but through a window. It’s nice to get the opportunity to go out there without the risk of breaking a limb. And besides, so long as I’m with you, doesn’t matter what I’m doing or where I am, I just know I’ll be happy doing it.”

“Such a sap.” Shepard muttered.

“I hear you complain, but all I see is that big ol’ grin.” Joker chuckled.

Shepard buried her face in the crook of his neck to hide her grin. Soon, they’d reach the Citadel, and Adrien would be in good hands. It felt bittersweet to have to let her twin go so soon, but it was for the best, and who knows, if they survived the Omega-4 Relay, they’d have the rest of their lives to spend time with each other. Shepard couldn’t think of a better birthday than this one.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is late! i had written two chapters when my computer crashed and i lost everything, and i haven't been very motivated to re-write it all

“You sure about this?” Joker said as he casually munched on peanuts as they were sitting docked at Omega.

“What could go wrong?” Shepard shrugged.

“Do you want me to answer alphabetically or chronologically?” Joker jeered.

Shepard rolled her eyes. “Oh shut up, you’re not nearly as funny as you think.”

“I’m hilarious. Hilarious and adorable.” Joker grinned. “And over the damn moon that we’re once again docked at this shit whole. I can’t express my joy at seeing this stinking hunk rock that is Omega so soon,”

“Careful Aria doesn’t hear that. She has ears everywhere you know.” Shepard smirked.

“Charming woman,” Joker said lazily. “Do you have to make friends with homicidal maniac across the galaxy?”

“I’m not here for Aria, I’m here to help Samara hunt down an Adart-Yakshi.”

“An Adart-what?” Joker blinked.

“According to Samara, they’re Asari with genetic mutations that kill anyone they mate with, most choose to live in seclusion so they’re not a danger, but this one became addicted to killing and Samara’s been hunting her ever since.”

“So just your standard hunt for a homicidal sex-killer then?” Joker said. “Sounds great. I’ll leave you to the serial rapist murderer then Shepard, have fun.”

“Thanks Joker,” Shepard said sardonically. “Try not to get the ship stolen while we’re gone.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll flail wildly till my sheer insanity forces them to die laughing, any thieves will be defeated.” Joker nodded.

Shepard cracked a smirk and rolled her eyes.

“Still, this Adart-Yakshi sounds dangerous. Take care out there babe,” Joker said seriously.

“Don’t worry Joker darling, I’ll come back to you in one piece,” Shepard grinned.  

Joker rolled his eyes at the joking nickname and gave her a brief backwards wave as Shepard went to the airlock and out to the dock. Samara was at her flank, followed closely by Jack who had volunteered for the mission.

“I’m surprised you wanted to come along Jack, figured Morinth would be your kinda girl,” Shepard commented.

Jack scowled. “This bitch kills the people she fucks for fun. Killing’s fun and all, but to do it to people who trust you? Forcing people to fall in love with you just to kill them? That’s sick. Be upfront about killing people, don’t sneak around it.”

“A…healthy attitude, I suppose.” Samara said.

“So long as we stop her, call it whatever you like.” Jack shrugged.         

“Come on, we’ll ask Aria if she knows anything.” Shepard said.

They went to Aria, who put them on the path of their investigation in the lower apartments of Omega. They found a weeping mother, and the last victim of Morinth’s killing spree. As they were searching the late young girl’s room, they found Morinth’s hunting grounds in the VIP section of Afterlife, but lacked a plan to take her down.

“Shepard, I believe I have an idea.” Samara said.

“Shoot,” Shepard replied.

“I propose you confront Morinth under the guise of being…sexually available. Encourage her to take you back to her place alone, and we will strike her down when she is distracted.”

“You want me to seduce her?” Shepard’s eyes went wide. “Alone?”

“You are the type to excite her, you have that spark that she likes, you’re the best possible person to draw her out without raising suspicion. If she sees me she will flee, and if you go in armed and with back up, she will not approach you.” Samara explained.

“ _You want to dangle Shepard in front of the psychopath like a worm on a hook?”_ Joker’s voice cut through the squad comms, making Shepard wince from the volume.

“Sounds fun.” Jack said casually. “You cool with it Shep?”

“I dunno…”

“We will be in the shadows, watching every moment. If you ever in serious danger, we will intervene immediately. Trust me my friend, as I have come to trust and respect you.” Samara said.

“What she said.” Jack nodded. “We’ll be there the whole time ready to kick some ass. Safeword’s Normandy, kay?”

Shepard giggled weakly. “Sure, I’ll remember that. Alright guys, I trust you to have my back, let’s do it.”

“Are you insane?” Joker shouted. “You’re going to let a date-rapist seduce you?”

“Samara and Jack will be backing me up the whole time, calm down.” Shepard said.

“I will not lie; it will be dangerous. The moment Morinth sees you, she will want you, and you will be in grave danger. You must be careful, and stay very aware or she will ensnare you and you will not be able to resist. Should this happen I will intervene and stop her.” Samara reminded her.

“Great,” Joker snapped. “Going into a killer’s lair with no weapons, no armour and no backup. Sounds like a solid plan guys.”

“Joker it’s okay, I’ll be fine. It’s just another mission,” Shepard tried to soothe him.

“Oh sure, just a regular day where your girlfriend goes to seduce a mind-sex-killer alone and unarmed.” Joker groused.

“Joker, I will not have you compromise this mission because of your feelings for me!” Shepard snapped. “Babe I know you’re worried about me, but I have to do this. If you can’t keep work and personal feelings separate I’ll observe radio silence when I’m on ground missions.”

“No that’ll be worse!” Joker groaned. “Okay, you’re right I’m sorry, I won’t interfere with your mission.”

"Calm down lover-boy," Jack rolled her eyes. "We're not gunna let anything happen to her. You'll get your squeeze back safe and sound."

"Very reassuring Jack." Joker muttered.

And so Joker watched in silence. Shepard had installed a small camera in the necklace of her evening outfit, and he watched the video feed from Afterlife from there as she sauntered over the dancefloor, trying to attract Morinth. Joker squirmed uncomfortably in his chair as Shepard talked with Morinth over drinks.

He hated the way she was looking at her and wished more than ever before that he was able enough to be in the field and backing her up. He wished Garrus was out there with his sniper – not that he didn’t trust Shepard’s choice in team members, even if he wasn’t too sure about Jack.

He was on the edge of his seat, hands gripping the armrests almost painfully when Shepard got Morinth alone back to her place. He couldn’t see Shepard’s face; he could only see Morinth from the camera feed, and he could see her eyes had gone black. Shepard flinched and shifted backwards on the sofa, but Morinth pursued her and grabbed her wrist.

She came closer, and Shepard went still, now completely locked in Morinth’s mind spell. Just when Joker was about to throw up, Samara and Jack came bursting through the wall, biotic power blazing. Shepard stumbled back and crawled away from the biotic battle, hiding behind the sofa. He could hear her breathing heavily, and grew concerned. Well, more concerned than he was before. Talking to her now would only upset her, so he stayed quiet, and waited. Soon, Morinth was dead and Jack was lending a hand getting Shepard to her feet.

In true Shepard fashion, she turned to Samara to ask if she was okay, completely ignoring her own wellbeing in favour of taking care of her friend. Just another of the many reasons Joker loved her. On the way back to the ship, Jack stuck close to her back, eyes darting in every direction. It was almost the equivalent of a normal person putting an arm around her, for clearly Jack could see how affected Shepard was.  

Unlike when she was usually upset and hid away in her cabin, Shepard got changed upstairs and immediately came down to the cockpit. After giving a hasty order to head for the Citadel, she wrapped a blanket around her and moved the co-pilot’s chair closer to Joker’s.

As soon as Joker got the ship on the FTL, he turned his chair, and she fell into his arms. She was shivering all over, and she curled up on his lap as he wrapped his arms around her. She was lighter than usual, and Joker had to wonder if she’d been eating properly.

“It’s okay babe,” he murmured, stroking her hair to calm her down. “You’re safe now, I’m here. She’s dead, she can’t get you anymore.”

“I can still hear her whispering in my head,” Shepard whimpered. “I can still feel her fingers on my body. It makes me sick to think I _wanted_ it.”

“She was controlling you, you weren’t yourself.” Joker said soothingly. “Hey, why don’t you go up, take a hot shower, and I’ll come up with some drinks, kay?”

Shepard let out a breath. “Okay, yeah that sounds good. I’ll see you in a bit then,”

“Shout if you need me, I’ll be up soon.”

It infuriated him that he couldn’t do more for her. After giving the flight controls over to EDI, he went up to her room. Adrien was already there, combing her hair and gently plaiting it down her back as it air-dried. Shepard’s eyes were closed, and soft old-school Earth music was playing through the speakers on her nightstand. She was clad in her pyjamas, and suddenly looked so much younger than she was, like a young girl in her twin’s lap after a bad dream.

Adrien nodded to him as he entered, and Joker awkwardly nodded back. He strayed not too far from the door, and he saw Adrien murmur something to her, and she opened her eyes to see him. She gave him a big, beaming smile, and gestured for him to join them. While he felt a little awkward around her brother, and a little annoyed at not having the opportunity to be alone with her, Joker shuffled over to the sofa where they sat and sat down the wine he’d picked up on Illium on the coffee table.

“Though you might need this,” he said as he sat beside her.

“Thanks,” Shepard grinned. “Good vintage?”

“Uhh…2134.” Joker said reading the label. “Good year for wine, or so I hear.”

“Are you just saying that?” Shepard giggled.

“Entirely.” Joker confirmed.

“He just happens to be right though,” Adrien smirked. “The batarians used to trade with fine wines of that vintage for red sand or valuable ship parts.”

“See? I’m a genius.”

“Being an accidental genius doesn’t count,” Shepard teased. “Oh, but I haven’t introduced you two properly yet. Adrien rarely leaves the crew deck unless he wants to get strapped to a chair by the doc.”

“Not fit for duty my ass,” Adrien grumbled. “I’ve never been better.”

“You two really are twins,” Joker commented.

“Stubborn to the core, that’s the Shepard family all right.” Adrien chuckled. “Let me guess, this one here gets full of holes and insists she’s perfectly fine, when a team mate with a scratch is not?”

“Exactly.” Joker nodded.

“Oh don’t over exaggerate,” Shepard rolled her eyes. “Anyway, Adrien this is my pilot Joker. Joker, you know my brother Adrien.”   

“Nice to finally meet you Joker, Kathy’s told me a lot about you.” Adrien greeted.

“Really? It’s all lies I swear,” Joker said immediately.

Shepard laughed. “Only good things Joker I promise.”

“Why don’t I believe you Katherine?”

Shepard quirked an eyebrow at him. “You’re questioning my honour, Flight Lieutenant?”

“Well if the shoe fits… _ma’am_ ,” Joker smirked.

“You know you’re lucky you’re the best pilot in the galaxy or you’d be fired,”

Joker chuckled. Adrien finished plaiting Shepard’s hair and pinned it up with some bobby pins, making a crown around her head out of the plait. It reminded Joker of that old Earth vid, Star Wars, the princess in that vid had similar hair at one point.

“Alright, I should head back to the medbay.” Adrien said. “Chakwas hates it when I get too far out of her sight for long.”

“She’s the doc, but she worries too much.” Shepard agreed. “Go on then, I’ll see you at breakfast tomorrow.”

“Sure thing. Take care sister,”

“Always brother.”

Shepard poured her and Joker some wine when Adrien left, and silently they began to drink.

“How are you feeling?” Joker asked.

“Better.” Shepard answered, taking a sip of her wine. “Adrien always used to comb my hair when I was upset, I’m surprised he still remembers.”

Shepard tilted her head to one side slightly, and bit her lip nervously.

“I should apologise for getting angry with you before Joker,” she said.

“No it’s okay, you were right. I could have jeopardized the mission, it’s hardly professional of me.”

“But you were right. This mission was dangerous. It was necessary, but you were right to worry. I just wanted you to know that I do appreciate your concern.”

“For all the good it does,” Joker snorted. “You still got mind-raped by that asari psychopath.”

“Samara and Jack intervened before I was seriously hurt,” Shepard reminded him.

“Yeah but that’s just the point. You still got hurt. And me worrying from the ship wasn’t helping. I couldn’t do anything but watch – I couldn’t do anything to help! I’ve never felt so useless in my life. The one thing I want to protect and I can’t do anything to help her, I only hinder her.”

“Jeff…” Shepard put down her glass and placed her hand over Joker’s. “Baby you don’t need to feel like that. You help me plenty by being here with me, supporting me, keeping me on my feet. Just because you’re not in the field doesn’t mean you’re useless.”

Joker didn’t look convinced. Shepard shifted closer and pressed her lips to Joker’s.

“I need you, right where you are.” She said. “Just because you can’t do something in a certain way, doesn’t mean you can’t do it at all.”

Joker sighed, and nodded. “Alright, you’ve made your point I guess.”

“Come on, you need a few hours shut eye before we hit the mass relay,” Shepard tugged him over to the bed, where he stripped down to his underwear and crawled in after her.

Wrapped in his arms, Shepard fell asleep pretty quickly, but Joker lay awake for hours, thinking. He’d always feel useless, his girlfriend was a badass marine, it was only natural he feel inferior sometimes. He sighed. He just hoped it would go away, Shepard certainly didn’t think of him like that, it was time he stopped believing it too.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally finished this chapter!! I thought I'd never finish it. 
> 
> NewlyVulcan darling, if you have anything, anything at all, you'd like to see in future chapters, do let me know I'd love to incorporate them into the story for you!

“He should be here soon…can you see him Gare?”

Garrus, who was looking over Shepard’s shoulder, shook his head.

“You said Vicraka right? I know the clan markings. Haven’t seen any turians with them yet, but he shouldn’t be far.”

“You know clan Vicraka?” Shepard asked.

Garrus gave a turian grin. “They’re our sister clan actually. Fought by our side in nearly every turian conflict in our history. You should have told me you’d been raised by them for a time Shep,”

“So you could tease me about being basically turian? No thanks,” Shepard grinned.

Garrus chuckled. “Not fair Shepard. Now I’ll just have to make up for lost time by teasing you all the time. Since we’re technically cousins.”

“I never officially joined the Vicraka clan, my request was denied.” Shepard pointed out.

“Ah well, you’re still a turian to me. Be a better one than me that’s for sure,” Garrus replied.

“Well then _cousin_ ,” Shepard smirked. “Why don’t you make yourself useful and tell Miranda we need the transport forms for Adrien.”

Adrien chuckled, watching the exchange between the turian and his sister. In his short time aboard the Normandy, he’d noticed she and Garrus were nearly inseparable, whether it was on the battlefield or the poker table. It reminded him of himself and his sister when they were children.

It was good someone was looking out for his sister. Though it seemed everyone was looking out for her on this ship. She had a good team behind her, steadfast and loyal. She had gotten a ragtag bunch of specialists from across the galaxy and rallied them to her cause no matter where they were from or what they believed. He would expect nothing less from his twin, he always knew she was destined for great things.

“Don’t look now sister, but I think that’s our turian.”

Adrien was right. Marcus waved as he approached Shepard, and Shepard gave an enthusiastic wave back before rushing down to him and throwing her arms around him.

“Marcus! It’s so good to see you!” she cried.

Marcus chuckled, patting her head. “And you too Kitten. It’s good to see you still live, Icicia was devastated when we heard the news.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t contact you sooner,” Shepard said regretfully. “A lot of things have happened since then. How is the family?”

“Doing well, Icicia is home with the babies right now.” Marcus said.

“Babies?” Shepard questioned. “You have new children?”

“Twins.” Marcus grinned. “Kanton and Ceesi. They’re only about a year old now, still so fussy.”

“Oh that’s wonderful, you must be so proud.” Shepard beamed.

“We are. Oh, and Caiso is coming back from Palaven on shore leave, to have a reunion of sorts.”

“That’s brilliant! I haven’t seen Caiso in years. We’ll be on the Citadel for a time in that case, to meet the family. I’ve told you about my brother Adrien yes? In my message?”

“Ah yes, the other Shepard.” Marcus nodded. “We’ve been expecting him. Kitten has told us much about you,”

"It's all lies I promise," Adrien said, making Marcus chuckle.

“Generous of you to offer your home Marcus,” Garrus commented.

Marcus looked at the turian, and grinned. “Ah a young Vakarian is it? Welcome brother, we’ve heard much about you from Kitten as well.”

“It’s all lies too,” Garrus smirked. “Except the part about me being the best sniper in the galaxy,”

“Never said that Gare.” Shepard rolled her eyes.

“Shepard you wound me,” Garrus said dramatically.

“I’m about to, yeah.” Her eyes flashed and she patted the pistol on her hip.

Marcus chuckled. “Now children, play nice.”

“I’m _always_ nice,” Shepard flashed a grin. Garrus chuckled.

“But getting to business, Kitten tells us you’re in need of a place to stay until you settle in. We heard about what happened to you.”

“I’m grateful to you for agreeing to take me in.” Adrien said. “I don’t know how I could possibly repay you, for me but, also for taking care of my sister when I couldn’t.”

Marcus smiled. “Think nothing of it, we are family. And there may be a way we can come to a mutually beneficial arrangement. My wife is often exhausted by the twins, if you could perhaps watch them every now and then, we’ll consider your keep earned.”

“I can do that.” Adrien nodded. “Thank you.”

“Wonderful! Then it is settled!”

Shepard smiled. “You’d better go get settled Adrien,”

“Sister?” Adrien turned worried eyes to her.

“I’ll come see you before I go, I just have some things to attend to on the Citadel.”

Shepard looked just as unhappy about being separated again as Adrien did, but they both knew it was for the best. Adrien pulled his sister to him and hugged her tightly, Shepard blinking repeatedly in an attempt not to cry. Commander Shepard didn’t cry; at least not where people could see her.

“Take care sister,” Adrien said.

“You too,” Shepard nodded.

Adrien kissed her forehead briefly, smiling before he left the docking bay with Marcus.

"Why Kitten?" Tali asked.

Shepard flushed slightly. "Long story. Katherine was hard for Marcus and the family to say, so I told them my nickname was Kat. A glitch in their translators provided them with the definition of a cat, an animal on earth, so they researched it, and discovered a young cat is called a kitten, and they put two and two together and assumed I would be called kitten among humans, and cat when I was older. I didn't bother correcting them, didn't want to embarrass them."

Garrus laughed. With the promise of visiting Adrien later, and Garrus' laughter ringing in her ears, Shepard sucked up her tears and left with Garrus and Tali for the Presidium, to inform Anderson of everything that had happened since they last met.

 

 

“You gonna tell him?” Joker asked, looking up over his drink as Shepard sat across from him at the dimly lit table.

Jack had insisted on a “family outing” as Shepard jokingly put it, and dragged the whole team down to Purgatory for a time-out. Thane, Garrus and Tali had managed to escape an hour ago to go to the shooting range, while the rest of the crew partied on.

Shepard and Joker had taken to sipping drinks and watching the team on the dancefloor, given that Joker couldn’t dance and Shepard would only dance on the Normandy surrounded by the judging eyes of her beloved crew, not the judging looks of strangers. Plus, Joker was sure she didn’t want him to feel left out by dancing without him.

“Tell who what?” Shepard asked absently, watching idly as Jack and Miranda versed each other at sexy pole dancing, yet another strange competition between the two to prove who was the best biotic on the ship? Shepard shook her head; she’d never understand that rivalry.  

“Your brother. About me.” Joker said.

“As though it’s some grand reveal, or a dirty secret?” Shepard muttered sarcastically. “Why should I have to tell him anything? You’re saying he hasn’t already figured it out? It’s a small ship Joker.”

“Well yeah, but I don’t know…ah forget it it’s stupid. You’re right he probably knows, everyone does.”

Shepard frowned, looking back at him. “No, what were you going to say just now?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Joker I’m worrying about it. Tell me.”

Joker looked sheepish. “Well, you never had a family for as long as I’ve known you, and well, I was kinda sad that I’d miss the whole ‘meeting the family’ thing. And now you’ve found Adrien, I dunno I guess I just…normal doesn’t exactly apply to us, but I want to do things right by you.”

Shepard smiled warmly. “Oh babe, you mean that? You’re so sweet. Don’t worry about a thing, Adrien already loves you, you’re part of the family don’t doubt that. I’ll tell him about us if it means that much to you, or do you want to do it?”

“You should do it. As much as I get on with the guy, you never know who a guy is going to react to the guy dating his sister,” Joker shrugged.

Shepard chuckled. “All right. We’ll go together?”

“Yeah, okay.”

Shepard got up from the barstool and held out her hand for Joker to take, which he did. She waved goodbye to the dancing crew and shouted some vague excuse for leaving at Jack when she enquired drunkenly where they were going. Together they headed up to the Presidium, Shepard’s favourite part of the Citadel.

They took their time; partly because of Joker’s legs and partly because Shepard wanted to enjoy their time together not on the ship or being shot at by people. On the way Shepard told him many things about her childhood with Adrien, taking special never to mention her other family members much. She told him about the time her and Adrien were pretending to hold off a turian invasion and Adrien had ended up with a face full of mud as Turian Katherine pushed him into a mudhole to ‘end the human race’ and how their mother was furious at the stains on his good shirt.

She told him of Adrien’s first girlfriend, of how he’d ran to tell Shepard excitedly when they’d shared their first kiss out the back of the school, and how Shepard had teased him about getting cooties. When Adrien had broken their older brother’s leg by scaring him one Halloween night and he’d fallen down the stairs, and how he’d gotten grounded for a week. How she and Adrien competed in everything and anything; how fast they could eat breakfast, who got to school first, who could get the best grades, who had the most friends, how high they could jump, how many starfruits they could fit in their mouths, how long they could hold their breath – everything.

They were pretty equally matched, though the other would always claim they were better. Now Joker understood why she and Garrus got on so well. 

He laughed along with her stories as they walked through the Presidium towards the address Marcus had given them, and for a moment it was like there was no impending suicide mission, no life-threatening scenario waiting to end them – it was just him, and his beautiful girlfriend. But it couldn’t last forever. Shepard suddenly stopped, and Joker looked back in puzzlement.

“Dammit Jack!” she muttered. “Just got a message from Samara; apparently Jack’s got into a fight with some thugs in Purgatory and they can’t calm her down. I’m gonna have to go down there and break it up myself. You go on ahead Joker, I’ll catch up.”

“Good luck Commander, try not to die. I don’t want to have to break the news to your brother.” Joker waved casually as Shepard gave him an amused grin and began to scamper back down the way they’d come.  

Joker went on, casually going along, not wanting to show up too quickly and have to awkwardly make small talk while he waited for Shepard to return, so he didn’t stray far when his omni-tool blinked. He looked down lazily; it was a message from Jack?

He opened it up and saw a photo, of the whole gang still in the bar, toasting their drinks and Jack giving the camera the finger. The message read _aren’t you sad you didn’t stick about now eh flyboy? Good luck with the in-laws while we’re out having fun_.

Joker snorted and rolled his eyes before bringing up Jack’s comm channel. _So, that fight blew over already huh?_ he typed.

_Fight? What fight?_

Joker frowned. _The fight you started that Samara asked Shepard to go break up just now_

_Are you high? Samara is right here; she hasn’t sent anything to Shep._

Joker’s eyes widened. Oh no…

He started to rush in the direction Shepard had gone.

 

 

It wasn’t often that Shepard was taken off guard. Living most of her life as a spacer she’d learned to be constantly alert, but like many marines she let her guard down where she thought she was safe, like her ship or the Citadel. Here, you would hardly expect someone to challenge Commander Shepard of the Normandy, saviour of the Citadel, war hero and first human Spectre, but crazier things happened.

It was that false sense of security that had gotten Shepard into this situation, and a mistake she would never make again. Looking down at her omni-tool, she didn’t notice the thug following her, so when she was suddenly pulled into an alley, she didn’t have time to mount an attack in response.

The batarian thug held her against the wall by her throat, and she cursed herself for not bringing her pistol with her. She kicked her attacker, with a hard knee to the stomach he dropped her, and she gasped for air as she hit the ground. Wasting no time, so spun and went to run out of the alley, when two turians blocked her path. One look at this lot told her they were Blue Suns.

Mercenary gangs and her didn’t really get along. Shepard went to fuel her biotics when one turian grabbed her arms, pinning them to her back while the other grabbed her kicking legs and picked her up. They were carrying her somewhere, the batarian gagging her as they did so, ignoring Shepard’s struggling and muffled screaming.

Shepard managed to get one leg free and kick the turian in the face, forcing him to drop her. With the force of her fall the other turian couldn’t hold onto her arms, and she fell, rolling on impact of the ground and ripping the gag from her mouth, before turning around and delivering a shockwave; weak from her lack of biotic training and no charge-up time, but enough to get away from the thugs.

The batarian hadn’t been caught in the shockwave and sped after her, pulling out his pistol and shooting her in the hip, making her crash to the ground with a cry. Rolling over, she punched the batarian in the face when he came closer, and used her good leg to kick his legs out from under him, the gun in his hand flying away further down the alley out of both their reaches.

By this time the turians had recovered and were coming after their fallen comrade, one of them pinning Shepard to the ground by her throat while the other helped the batarian up. Shepard, choking and kicking, barely managed to move her head enough to bite into the turian’s talon.

Thanks to her Cerberus upgrades, her teeth actually did the softer talon tissue damage, and he left her go with an angry rumble of subharmonics, allowing her time to slam her head into his. It caused her more pain than him, Shepard was sure, as she was seeing stars after the impact, but he’d backed away enough so Shepard could move. Just as she tried to, the other turian shot her in the shoulder, making her escape falter as she curled up in pain.

Just as she thought she may be defeated, she heard a cry.

“Shepard!”

She couldn’t believe her eyes as she watched what happened next. Joker threw himself onto the back of the armed turian, forcing him into a frantic frenzy to get him off his back, but Joker held on with grim determination. He kicked the gun out of the turian’s hand and Shepard caught it just as the batarian ran to his fallen gun to shoot at Joker.

Within a second the other turian was on Shepard, choking the life out of her to try and prevent her from shooting. She didn’t give up, shooting him in the neck just as the batarian shot Joker, making him fall from the turian’s back and crash to the ground. Pushing the dead turian off her, Shepard rolled and shot the batarian in the head, then wasted no time shooting the other turian in both legs, forcing him to his knees, before shooting his brains out.

They two lay there, bleeding, panting, looking over at each other in stunned silence.

“Shepard! Joker!”

Shepard looked up to her crew rushing down the alley towards them. She gave a wry smirk.

“Bit late to the party guys,” she rasped. “We had to start without you.”

“And what a party it was,” Jack whistled, looking over the dead thugs. “I’m sorry I missed it.”

“Oh Shepard are you okay?” Tali cried, helping Shepard to her unsteady feet. “Jack said Joker was acting strange and we thought something was wrong, what happened?”

Garrus slung Shepard’s uninjured arm around his shoulders to support her, while Tali and Kasumi worked to keep Joker upright and walk the injured parties slowly out of the alley. Shepard gave a brief summary of what had happened as they went to the hospital. Shepard had never liked hospitals much, but even she had to admit she’d lost a lot of blood and needed to sit down a while.

 

Later, much later, as she sat by the window of her little hospital room, curled up on a chair sipping coffee, she smiled softly as Joker made his way into her room, limping along on crutches, cursing under his breath. She offered the seat next to her, but Joker plonked himself down in her chair, squishing her over the armrest so they could both fit. Shepard giggled and looped her arms loosely around his neck.

“Nothing broken?” she asked amazed.

“Few fractures, nothing to worry about. Bullet wound not infected neither, so I’m all good.” He said mechanically. “You?”

“Ship shape,” she replied. “Bit woozy from the blood loss, but I’ll be fit for action tomorrow.”

Joker sighed. “Good.”

Shepard smiled, and rested her head lightly against his chest. “My hero.” She murmured.

Joker blinked. “What…?”

“You saved my life Jeff,” Shepard continued. “Who’s useless now hmm?”

Joker sat back, thinking on Shepard’s words. Finally he smiled, and tightened his grip on the commander as she settled into sleep next to him.  His omni-tool pinged as Shepard fell asleep against him, and curiously he brought up the message.

_Thank you for looking after my sister. Keep her safe for me, eh brother-in-law?_

Joker smiled at Adrien’s message. He squeezed Shepard gently, pressing a kiss into her hair. Not the plan for the day maybe, but you never knew how things would go when you ran with Shepard. He preferred it that way, he decided. He wouldn’t trade it for the world.  


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like it dear! I tried to give as much of Joker's thoughts and pov as I could, hopefully it's what you wanted

“Commander? Commander come in,” Joker fiddled with the comm systems, trying to contact the ground team.

Nothing. Nothing but static. He hated this.

He hated it when he lost contact with the ground team, it wasn’t good for his blood pressure, especially now that Shepard was on her own in a damned Collector Ship. Well, not on her own. She had Garrus and Tali with her, but still.

He tried to ignore the way Jack was smirking at him as he gripped his chair a little too tightly. Kasumi shot him a look from the co-pilot’s seat, but Mordin wasn’t paying attention to them, too busy looking at the video feed, which had frozen ten minutes ago.

Normally he liked his cockpit not crowded, but the team that had gathered were a little put-out at not being taken on the mission, and wanted to watch the action they were missing. They weren’t missing much as far as Joker was concerned.  

“Commander!” Joker shouted. “Come on Shepard, answer me!”

“Oh don’t get your panties in a knot flyboy,” Jack rolled her eyes. “I’m sure she’s just fine. She’s not a baby she can take care of herself.”

“I’m _not_ worried.” Joker snapped. “Shepard kicks ass, I know that better than you do.”

“Then stop acting like a mother hen the minute she steps off the ship,” Jack snapped back. “What, you think because you care about her that suddenly makes her incapable of holding a gun?”

“She has a point Joker,” Kasumi said gently. “Shepard’s still the same girl you knew before right? And you never worried then did you?”

“Well…I guess not. But it’s different now, and not just because we’re together. I’ve already seen her die once Kasumi,” Joker said. “Maybe if that hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be so worried now.”

“The Collectors killed Shep once and it only seemed to piss her off. She’ll be fine.” Jack snorted. “And besides, wasn’t it your fault she died in the first place?”

“Jack!” Kasumi said sharply.

“No she’s right.” Joker sighed. “That’s why I’m so worried.”

“Because you feel guilty?” Jack rolled her eyes. “Lame.”

“Well I wouldn’t expect someone who had their emotions removed as a child to understand Jackie,” Joker smirked.

Jack glared. “ _Don’t_ call me Jackie.”

Kasumi sighed and shook her head. Mordin ignored his strange companions, instead listening to EDI’s analysis of what was wrong with the tech on the Collector ship that prevented them from seeing the ground team.

Suddenly the static was broken as EDI calibrated the comm system, and the video feed resumed. The ground team were walking along the inside of the ship, that seemed to be completely abandoned. Not suspicious or anything.

“You okay down there Commander?” Joker asked.

“Yeah. Which is the weird thing. We haven’t seen anything.” Shepard replied.

“Little too easy for my liking,” Garrus commented.

“Don’t worry Garrus, I’m sure there’s a nice little ambush waiting for us up the hall.” Tali said.

“Can’t wait.” Garrus quipped.

“Enough chatter guys,” Shepard said patiently. “Let’s keep moving.”

“Looks pretty dead.” Joker said.

“Looks can be deceiving,” replied Shepard.

Joker smirked. “True enough. I mean looking at me you’d never think I could land a gal like Commander Shepard would you?”

Kasumi giggled beside him, while Jack rolled her eyes.

“More like looking at Shep you’d never think she’d settle for the flyboy.” She groused.

“Jack are you playing nice up there?” Shepard said amused.

“Nice is for old ladies Shepard. Flyboy can grow a set.” Jack shrugged.

It surprised Joker of all people to know that he wasn’t in fact worried. He had complete faith in Shepard, and while he was concerned about her – of course he was, he loved her after all – he knew more than anyone what she was capable of in battle. The only time she’d been defeated was because of him, and that wouldn’t happen again.

Joker had let his fears control much of his relationship with the Commander, but he wouldn’t do that anymore. He was confident he could get her out of anything, he could be there for her just as she was for him, and nothing would hurt her so long as both of them were on their guards.

But, the Collector ship did unnerve him still. He didn’t know if it freaked him out or if he was worried for Shepard’s wellbeing more, but watching Shepard and the team slink through the eerily empty ship made his skin crawl.    

“Collector corpse – search for similar genes in humans. Interesting.” Mordin muttered as Shepard and the team discovered a capsule containing a Collector body.

EDI scanned the datapad for Shepard, and it was then that they learned the Protheans had been turned into the Collectors to do the Reaper’s bidding. Joker shuddered.

“Very effective. Harvesting species, using mindless drones to build empires, infrastructure, and take them away.” Mordin commented. “Very fascinating.”

“Yeah it’s fascinating _now_ ,” Shepard said sardonically. “This could be us soon Mordin, don’t forget that. From the Collector’s obsessive stalking of me I think it’s fair to say the Reapers aren’t too happy that I destroyed Sovereign.”

Joker cleared his throat. “Ahem. _Who_ was piloting the ship that took down Sovereign Commander?”

“Oh don’t tell me, that pilot from the Empire II…” Shepard pretended to think, while Garrus chuckled.

 “Har har.” Joker rolled his eyes. “Better get moving babe, you don’t wanna get pinned down by those creepy bastards.”

“Don’t have to tell me twice.” Shepard quipped, ushering her team along.

The team gathered in the cockpit seemed to lose interest, and eventually filtered back to where they liked to hang out on the ship, leaving Joker to his thoughts.

This mission didn’t sit well with Joker. Anytime the Illusive Man sent them anywhere it was a trap of some sort, or a near suicide mission. He didn’t trust the Illusive Man as far as he could throw him. If Shepard was ever hurt on one of his stupid missions so help him Joker would fly the Normandy straight into his damned face. It wouldn’t hurt to just do a quick check of this ship.

“EDI, this ship, can you scan it and compare it with –?”

“I have already done so. It is the same ship we encountered at Horizon. The same ship that attacked the original Normandy.”

Joker blew out a breath. He opened up his private comm with Shepard.

“Katherine, you’re not gonna like this sweetheart.” He said slowly.

“I know that tone. What is it Jeff? We about to get ambushed? Jack blew up the engines? Geth are attacking the Normandy? What?” Shepard tried to make a joke, but her use of Joker’s name told him she knew how serious he was.

“I didn’t get the chance to tell you on Horizon, but the ship you’re on right now, it’s the same one that was there. And EDI did a scan comparison with the data from the original Normandy…it’s the same ship that attacked us.”

Shepard was silent for a long time, and if it wasn’t for the video feed Joker would have thought she’d passed out or something. Finally, Shepard let out a slow sigh.

“This fucking ship.” She muttered tiredly. “It keeps haunting me.”

“See if you can blow the thing sky high while you’re there.” Joker said savagely.

“Will do. If it’s the last thing I ever do I’m taking this ship down.” Shepard agreed.

“And I’ll be going down with you.”

He wished he could hold her hand, or put an arm around her, something to comfort her. Even if he was down there with her she would probably be too consumed with the mission to appreciate his gestures. Garrus put a talon on her shoulder, and she smiled at him briefly before they continued up a corridor. That’ll have to do.

 

 

The mission, like all missions with Shepard, didn’t go to plan. Big surprise there. When would anything ever go right?

“On your left. Three o’clock.” Joker said listlessly, watching as Shepard spun around to shoot the Collector in the head as he pointed it out.

While he glanced up occasionally and pointed out enemy locations almost like he was bored, his fingers were flying over the console, he and EDI trying desperately to re-establish her control over the Collector ship. Then, creepiest of all, one of the Collectors began talking. Well, taunting really. He drowned out most of what it was saying Shepard, smirking every time she blasted the Collector it had possessed out of the sky.

“Five o’clock.” He said looking up.

Shepard went to shoot, but noting happened. She’d run out of clips. Cursing, she dropped her assault rifle and pulled out her pistol and shot as it lunged at her, killing it on impact. She shouldered her empty weapon, collecting thermal clips from the fallen Collectors as they struggled to move forward, pinned down every so often by another swarm of Collectors.

“Can’t say much for their battle strategy.” Joker commented.

“Well don’t start giving them tips.” Shepard groused. “How’s it coming up there?”

“I am almost in control Shepard.” EDI reported.

“Well a little faster would be appreciate EDI, we’re up to our asses in these bastards.”

“So I see.” Joker said. “Oh, straight ahead at 12 o’clock, I think Harbringer is back.”

Shepard groaned and took cover, pulling out her Collector beam to beat Harbringer down straight in the middle of his bullshit speech about how pointless their struggle was.

“How does that fucking thing know my name?!” Shepard sounded distressed as she reloaded her assault rifle and shouldered the Collector beam.

“Well you are on some Collector and Reaper hitlist, maybe he’s the Big Cheese as you humans say.” Garrus suggested.

“It’s creepy.” Shepard snapped. “EDI! How we doing?”

“I have assumed control.” EDI said.

Shepard winced slightly. “EDI don’t phrase it like that please.”

“I am sorry Shepard. I have opened a path for you to your left, but I sense heavy resistance beyond the doors.”

“You heard her people, move out!”

“This place is going to self-destruct Shepard! There’s too many enemies we’ll never make it out in time!” Tali cried.

“Nobody likes a pessimist Tali. Garrus, watch my six. Let’s go go _go_ people move it!”  

Much to Joker’s annoyance and added apprehension, he noticed in the surveillance cameras several of their team members jumping out of the Normandy onto the Collector-infested ship.

“What the hell are you people doing?” he demanded over their comms.

“Helping Shepard!” Miranda answered. “Thane, you, Kasumi and Samara should take the left flank.”

“How the fuck put you in charge Cerberus cheerleader?” Jack snapped. “Yo Grunt, you’re coming with me, we’ll take ‘em head on!”

“Yeah finally!” Grunt cheered, bounding after Jack as they ran.

Miranda just rolled her eyes and took Jacob and Mordin down the right flank to ease up opposition for Shepard’s team. The fight was short, but gruelling, with Joker sitting on the edge of his chair the entire time, head in his hands from stress. With the whole team out there, all he could do was hold the fort and get them out in one piece.  

Then, a scream ripped through his comms.

He jolted from the sound, forcing him back into his chair and bruising his spine. His eyes went to the video feed, which was now crackling and full of static, but visible. He was looking in from Tali’s helmet cam, and he saw Shepard thrown into the wall of the ship by a massive enemy like the one they’d encountered on Horizon. Her helmet cracked on impact, and he saw with horror air spilling out from the back of her neck.

Just like…

Oh, _God._

Shepard screamed, scrambling to plug the leak, writing on the ground in a terror, lost in horrifying memories, no longer aware of what was happening around her. Tali threw herself to the ground beside Shepard, trying to repair her suit, but she was thrashing around too wildly.

The backup team noticed the commotion, and Jack and Grunt did a perfect job of taking the attention off the ground team and distracting the Collectors with biotic blasts and war cries, allowing Garrus to join Tali and hold the still-struggling Shepard still enough for Tali to work.

She made quick work of the damage, and the air stopped leaking out, but Shepard was still gasping for air like a fish out of water, still believing she was back in deep space floating to her death.   

“Oh _hell_ no.” Joker growled. “I’m not watching you die a second time Shepard. Not a fucking chance.”

He wasn’t worried, even now. In fact, he was strangely calm. He believed Shepard could come out of this, there was no doubt in his mind that she would come out in one piece. He wouldn’t let it happen any other way. He opened their private comm channel.

“Commander this is Joker!” he said, not knowing if she would respond, or even hear him. “The crew’s got a beeline making their way to you Commander, Tali’s gonna patch up your suit and you’ll be on your way to the Normandy. What I need you to do for me now is breathe slowly so Tali can get there in time.”

Shepard didn’t respond, but she went still in Garrus’ arms, though she was still struggling for breath, eyes tightly shut.

“Shepard! We’re fine! Everyone’s fine! The Normandy’s beat up but she’s okay! The only one we’re concerned about is you, so breathe easy for me! We’re gonna get you out of there, it’s gonna be okay we’re on our way, just hold on!”

Grunt let out a pained bellow as a Collector bullet hit vulnerable flesh, and Shepard let out a sharp distressed shriek, attracting some nearby Collectors. Garrus stayed while Tali ran to give them cover, pistol firing viciously to keep the enemy off Shepard.

Joker thought quickly to rectify the situation. “That’s Wrex with Tali Shepard! Garrus has reached you, can you see them? Garrus has got you Shepard! Wrex is nearby, making a path for Tali. Breathe Shepard, we need you to breathe until Tali can reach you.”

Shepard whimpered, afraid and lost in the dark recesses of her mind.

“Shepard! Tali has stopped the leak, you’re fine! You’re okay!”

But she wasn’t hearing him.

“ _Katherine_. If you want to see me and the Normandy again, you have to _breathe_. Breathe for me sweetheart, nothing is going to take the woman I love from me, so don’t you dare stop breathing on me or so help me I will drag you back from the afterlife myself!”

That seemed to do the trick. Shepard gave a shudder, and her eyes fluttered open as she struggled to control her breath. Garrus caught on to what was happening, and helped her sit up.

“Breathe with me Shep,” he said, and began to breathe slowly, Shepard following along with some difficulty.

After a moment, Shepard’s breath evened out, until she could breathe normally on her own. She gave a sigh, and a slight groan as she tentatively checked the newly fixed tube on her suit.

“Garrus?” she frowned at the turian, looking slightly confused.

“You took a nasty hit there Shepard, you alright?”

“Yeah…I’m okay…” she said dazedly.

Then her eyes roamed to the battle, and they widened with realisation.

“Oh! The Collectors!” she sprang to her feet and grabbed her fallen weapon, remembering where she was and what she was doing.

Garrus quickly matched her pace, and together they rejoined the fight. The rest of the Collectors went down quickly with Garrus and Shepard sniping from the sidelines. With the remaining enemies dead and the ship still coming down around them, the entire turned heel and began sprinting back to the Normandy. Shepard, as always, stayed back and stopped once they reached the Normandy, ushering every team member into the ship one by one, before jumping herself.

“Joker get us out here on the double!” she shouted.

“Aye aye Commander!”

And they were off. Joker had never flown so fast in his life, to escape the imminent blast of the Collector ship. Once they were in the clear, the whole ship collectively shared a sigh of relief. They’d done it. Shepard went at once to the conference room to mouth off at the Illusive Man, while the team members returned to their duties. Joker set a course for the nearest space port to refuel, and settled in for a long flight.

It wasn’t until they were well into the night cycle, when most of the crew had gone to bed, that Shepard came down to see him.

He welcomed her with a smile, and she with a peck on the cheek as she passed him a cup of coffee and took her usual seat in the co-pilot’s seat. They were silent for a long time, Shepard reaching over for Joker’s hand, which he held in his as he navigated the ship with the other. Then, Shepard looked over at him with a sly smile.

“What?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

“So,” she said smugly, looking suspiciously like the cat who swallowed the canary. “You love me, huh?”

Joker choked on his coffee.

“D-Did I say that? I didn’t say that – d-did I?” he stammered.

Shepard giggled and nodded, taking a sip from her coffee. Joker groaned, burying his face in his hands in embarrassment. Shepard laughed.

“Babe, it’s okay.” She smiled. “It did the trick right? Snapped me right back into reality. Thank you.”

Joker peeked out at her, before lowering his hands. “How you feeling?”

“Alright.” Shepard nodded. “It was so strange…like one of my nightmares. So cold and dark…ugh it was horrible. I couldn’t focus, it was like I couldn’t even function.”

“At least you’re okay now.” Joker said.

“You must have been so worried Jeff,” Shepard said, biting her lower lip.

But Joker just smiled. “Nah. I knew you’d be okay. You’re always okay.”

“Without you I wouldn’t have been okay, and without the others those Collectors would have ended me.” Shepard pointed out.

“Exactly, I wouldn’t let you die, and neither would the crew. Just because I know you’ll be okay, doesn’t mean the means you’ll make it happen on your own. Sometimes you need some help, but in the end, you’re always going to come back in one piece. Because that’s what you do.”      

Shepard smiled at the sentiment. “So, not worried I’m going to die on you again?”

“Not one bit. Nothing can kill my girl, at least not permanently.” Joker smirked.

Shepard giggled. “Thanks babe. Appreciate it.”

Joker winked at her. “That’s what I’m here for.”

“I owe you one Jeff, for saving my life once again.”

“Babe you owe me two. But that’s okay, I can think of ways you can repay me.” At Joker’s suggestive eyebrow waggle, Shepard laughed and playfully smacked his shoulder.

They sat in comfortable silence again for a moment, before Shepard smiled at him over her coffee, a soft look on her face.

“By the way, I love you too Jeff Moreau.”

Joker still faced the flight controls, but his eyes turned in her direction, and he smiled.

“Cute Kat, but no, you still can’t have my hat.” He said, playfully.

He had to duck out the way as Shepard tried to snatch his cap off his head. This girl, always trying to seduce her way to his prized possession. But, he may just let her one day.

One day.                                           

Today was not that day though.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh this took forever to write im sorry it took so long ive been busy with work and the election has stressed me out

“Are you sure Mordin?” Shepard asked.

“Positive Shepard. Not to worry. Perfectly safe.” Mordin answered.

Shepard sighed. “If you say so. Alright then, let’s get this mission underway. You coming with?”

“Indeed. Wouldn’t miss it.” Mordin smiled.

Shepard hopped off the desk and headed out to the CIC.

“Alright people let’s get this show on the road.” She said.

Tali jumped up from the co-pilot’s chair as Shepard and Mordin approached the cockpit, and Shepard was faced with a moody boyfriend. She smirked at him as she leaned against the wall.

“I know you don’t like this babe…” she began.

“Don’t like it? That doesn’t even begin to cover it Katherine. This whole mission stinks.” Joker grumbled.

“No kidding. That’s why I need you sharp and ready for anything. This IFF will be a challenge to get hold of.”   

“Understatement Shepard.” Tali said.

“Well, come on gang. Let’s get this show on the road.” As Shepard ushered her crew out of the ship, she stopped outside the airlock.

They’d have to jump to get to the Reaper, the Normandy couldn’t dock. It was a small jump; but between her and safety was nothing but empty space. Her breathing grew heavier.

“Babe?” Joker said softly. “You okay?”

Shepard took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “I can’t fall forever. Watch me fly this time Joker.”

Joker smiled gently. “You got it babe.” And Shepard jumped from the ship onto the Reaper with a triumphant cheer.

Joker knew this mission was the last before they ran the Omega-4 Relay. The Reaper IFF was the last component they needed. Time was running out. He’d never pictured a white picketed-fence kind of future with Shepard, but now he was suddenly and violently confronted with the idea that they may not have a future at all.

They both might die. At least they’d die together, that was some small consolation. Still, they’d been through a lot together; it was hard to think of that all ending. He watched as the team made the leap onto the derelict Reaper, and suddenly the readings went crazy over the control panel.

“What the hell just happened?” he blinked.

“It appears the Reaper’s barrier has been breached. There is no way out unless the Reaper is powered down. By taking the IFF, it will lose power. However, this will also cause the ship to free-fall and explode.” EDI reported.

“Fuck.” Joker cursed.

“Fuck indeed.” Shepard agreed casually. “Well babe, guess you’re gonna have to fly me out of certain death once again. Think you can handle it?”

“I can handle anything.” Joker said confidently. “So long as you run like hell, like when you had those husks commin’ at you on Eden Prime and you cleared 500 metres in less than 30 seconds.”

Tali snorted. “No way Shepard could run that fast, not with all that gear.”

“Hey you’d be fast too if you had husks on your sprinting well-toned ass.” Joker said.

Shepard chuckled.

“Are you implying that my ass is also well-toned Joker?” Tali said, with what looked like a frown on her face behind her mask, as she angled her body and looked down at herself.

“It’s hard to tell with the suit, but it’s a pretty good butt.” Shepard said thoughtfully. “I’d tap it.”

“Shepard!” Tali cried.

“Hey she’s just saying what we’re all thinking.” Joker said.

“I hate you both.”

Mordin smirked at his friend’s banter.

“You can hate us later Tali, let’s get to this IFF and then run like fuck.”

“Sounds fun.” Tali grumbled as she followed Shepard.

“Don’t say I never take you anywhere. At least it’s not Eden Prime.”

Joker chuckled. Always so casual; that was Shepard all right. She’d always been casual, even in the Alliance. She wasn’t your typical marine that was for sure. Talking about Eden Prime brought him right back to when he first met Shepard. The ‘good old times’ she called them.

Looking back on it now, they did seem like the good old days, even if it was crap at the time. They wouldn’t have got there if not for Shepard; Joker could clearly remember the day they met.

 

 

_“Commander Shepard.” Kaidan was out of his chair before Joker even blinked, standing at attention and saluting the woman in Alliance blues._

_“Give it a rest Kaidan, no one likes a suck-up.” Joker said. “I bet you were that kid who brought apples for your teachers too.”_

_To his surprise, the new XO giggled at the joke. That’s what made Joker turn in his chair. His life changed as he laid eyes on her. The most defining feature of Shepard’s face was the long scar that ran from her left temple, across her face to her right cheek. Vaguely, he wondered where she’d gotten it. Akuze? It would have been one hell of a wound when it was fresh. The next thing he noticed was the black lipstick and dark eyeshadow, which struck him as shocking for an Alliance officer to have on. In contrast with her flaming orange hair, Commander Shepard made a striking figure; and a very intimidating one. But it was her eyes that softened her intimidating appearance. She had large emerald green eyes that were beautifully warm and inviting. Joker didn’t realise he was staring until Kaidan cleared his throat._

_“Gentlemen.” Shepard said, clearly amused at the reaction she’d caused. “Anderson told you about me then I assume.”_

_“Yes ma’am,” Kaidan said. “The crew have been anxiously awaiting your arrival. You’re something of a legend around here Commander.”_

_“Thank you, but I don’t feel like a legend. Just a soldier that was lucky – or unlucky – enough to survive a mass-slaughter. And you are?”_

_“S-Sergeant Alenko ma’am, Kaidan Alenko.” Kaidan stammered._

_“Pleased to meet you. And you pilot?”_

_“They call me Joker.”_

_“Joker huh? I heard you stole this ship to be guaranteed a place as her pilot.” Shepard looked amused, exasperated, and impressed all at the same time._

_Joker almost groaned. “You gonna pull Alliance regs on me ma’am?”_

_“Wouldn’t dream of it.”_

_Joker blinked._

_“If you can break the rules to get what you want, but avoid being pulled up by the brass, you’re a damn good asset to the Alliance.” Shepard said. “And I wouldn’t want another pilot who isn’t as dedicated to his ship than you seem to be.”_

_Joker grinned. “Do what it takes ma’am, trust me you don’t want anything but the best flying this baby, and that’s exactly what I am. Top of my class in flight school, better than the teachers even.”_

_“An impressive achievement.” Shepard smiled. “I look forward to working with you Joker.”_

_“Ma’am.” He tipped his cap to her as he turned back to the flight controls._

 

 

Joker didn’t know it then of course, but that day was the most important in his life. After all, it was the day that changed his life. Looking back now, sometimes he couldn’t believe they’d come so far.

“We’ve got a problem Joker!”

Shepard’s shout snapped Joker out of his thoughts, and he fixed his eyes on the video feed.

Oh they had a problem indeed. Husks. Lots of em. Joker knew how much Shepard hated husks, if there was one creature that frightened her more than Reapers, it was them. One day he’d have to make her watch an old zombie vid with him; maybe as a prank on April Fools Day.    

“Not sure I see the problem Commander, you’re doing fine.” He said casually.

“Not them; that.” Shepard looked down briefly so Joker could see the knocked out Geth her feet.

“Is that Geth…wearing N7 armour?” Joker asked.

“Not just any N7 armour. It’s mine.” Shepard replied through the shots of her rifle.

“That’s…not creepy at all.”

Shepard managed a chuckle, even as she ducked out of the way of a lunging husk and blasted its head off before barrelling into another and pushing it off the walkway. Tali shrieked as a husk managed to gnaw a hole in her envirosuit and dropped her shotgun in her panic.

“Tali!” Shepard yanked on Tali’s arm to pull her behind her and away from the horde of husks, and even as one attached itself to her arm she kept her composure to keep Tali away from the enemy, Mordin using a Collector Beam to blast the husks into oblivion.

“Are you okay?” she asked Tali.

“I’ll be fine. Let’s do what we need to before they come back.” Tali answered.

“Alright. Tali, Mordin, we’re taking this geth with us – I want to ask it some questions. When I blast this energy core I want you to grab the geth Tali and start to run. Mordin you take the IFF and follow. I’ll take the point and shoot anything that gets in our way. Okay team, let’s do it.” Shepard ordered.

At Shepard’s command, Tali shouldered the geth and Mordin ripped out the IFF for the ship as Shepard aimed her rifle at the energy core and destroyed it. At once the team began to run back the way they came, and the ship started to rumble and cave in around them.

In the cockpit, Joker readied the Normandy to go as soon as the ground team were aboard. Watching anxiously as the team ran through the collapsing ship, he bit his lower lip and gripped the flight controls just a little too tightly.

“Come on babe,” he muttered to himself. “Come back to me.”

Shepard stopped just before the ship and held the point as the other two jumped aboard with their tech burdens.

“Joker go!” Shepard shouted.

“But Shepard – ”

“Do it!”

Just as the Normandy was pulling away from the ship Shepard leapt into open space, landing on the Normandy’s side and gripping the safety rail as she clung to the outside of the ship. Heeding her order Joker kept flying, gaining speed as Tali reached out and pulled Shepard inside, Mordin hurrying to close the airlock as the ship behind them exploded and the Normandy soared out into space.

“You drive me insane.” Joker sighed shaking his head.

Shepard gave a shaky chuckle as she got to her feet. “Hey, if it weren’t for me the Normandy would have been stuck in that blast. Never question your Commander flyboy, we know best.”

“Well unless you’re Saren. He didn’t know best.” Joker pointed out.

“Turian Spectres don’t count.” Shepard rolled her eyes and gestured with her head for her teammates to deliver the stolen tech to the engine rooms. “EDI make sure you secure that geth and the Normandy as much as you can. I don’t want it corrupting the tech.”

“Right away Shepard.” EDI said.

“Miranda’s not gonna like this.” Joker warned.

“Miranda doesn’t like silk petticoats, a geth on board the ship? That, she’s going to _hate_.” Shepard smirked.

“The things you do to rile up Cerberus.” Joker tutted.

“You would too if you were as indispensable as I apparently am to Cerberus.” Shepard said, sinking into the co-pilot’s chair. “But it’s nearly over. Soon, we’ll be free of Cerberus for good.”

“If we survive.” Joker pointed out.

Shepard waved a dismissive hand. “Details Joker, details.”

“Only you would call dying a detail.” Joker mocked.

“Well technically for me it is.” She smirked at him.

“You die once and come back to life and suddenly you think you’re all that.” Joker teased.

“You steal a warship and suddenly you think you own the Normandy.” Shepard replied smugly.

Joker laughed. “You remember that?”

“How could I forget? You did it twice.”

“Technically the second time was under your orders,”

“Details.” Shepard said again.

Joker chuckled. “Any other details to think about before we hit this relay Commander?”

Shepard bit her lip. “Actually, yeah. One detail.”

“Mm?”

“I’ll make you a deal. If we survive this mission, I’ll tell you.”

“As if I didn’t have enough incentive to survive the suicide mission.” He joked.

“A little more incentive never hurt,” Shepard smiled getting up. “I’m going to go interrogate that geth. Wish me luck.”

“Luck.” Joker said listlessly as she left the cockpit.

He briefly wondered what Shepard had wanted to tell him. Guess he’d just have to survive to find out. And really, how hard could that be? He was the best pilot in the galaxy after all.


	17. Chapter 17

“Joker mind the ship.” Shepard said, adjusting her helmet. “Make sure EDI installs that Reaper IFF safely, we don’t want a repeat of Alchera.”

“No kidding.” Joker replied, staring hard at the diagnostics on the screen. “Donnelly and Daniels are working on it in the engine rooms, EDI’s coordinating our efforts. I’ll make sure that thing doesn’t hurt the Normandy.”

“Good man.”

“I’m not just good. I’m better.” Joker smirked.

“Alright honey let’s not let that ego threaten to take up the entire cockpit.” Shepard said amusedly.

“You mean any more than it already is?” Miranda muttered as she walked passed the CIC.

“She’s just jealous.” Joker sniffed.

Shepard giggled. “Of course she is babe. Be careful with the Normandy while I’m gone.”

“You better be careful on your mission too you know. If you trust that geth that’s good enough for me, but still, this mission sounds risky. Be very careful. We’re so close to the end.” Joker said.

“I know Joker. Don’t worry, Legion has a plan that should get the rest of the geth off our backs. But the mission is high-risk, I’m taking the entire team just as a precaution. Satisfied?”

“Yeah I guess.” Joker conceded.

Shepard chuckled. “You’re never satisfied, are you?”

“Well…” Joker’s smirk took a mischievous turn. “There was that time with that lingerie Jack got you -”

“Not to interrupt but the entire ship can hear you two you know, your comms are on.” Tali’s voice cut in through the comms, making the pair of them burst into laughter, which the young quarrian did not find very amusing.

“What’s the attraction with clothing like that anyway?” Garrus wondered out loud. “Humans are so weird.”

“Turians don’t have sexy clothing?” Shepard asked.

“We do, but not like that…whatever it was Jack got you. That seemed to centre around your breasts. Aren’t those for feeding your young? Human males find that sexy? That’s kind of gross.” Garrus said.

“Ew can we not talk about this!” Tali cried.

Shepard looked at Joker, finding it hard to keep a straight face while the pilot in question was just shaking his head in exasperation.

“You know what Vakarian? We survive this suicide mission; I’ll give you some vids that might help.” Joker smirked. “If you’re _really_ curious about the Commander and I’s sex life I’m sure that will shed some light.”

“I hardly want to think about you and Shepard in _that_ context Joker,” Garrus sounded like he was gagging.   

“Which is a relief to us all I’m sure.” Shepard said, folding her arms and leaning against the wall.

“Well I’m not saying I have a human fetish, but from Joker’s reaction to that black dress you’ve got Shepard, and the way your heels made your calves stand out, I’m guessing human males find female legs particularly attractive. That’s something you share in common with turians actually.” Garrus went on.

“It’s the spike thing, isn’t it?” Shepard smirked. 

“If you’re referring to the time when you accidentally hooked your ankle on it and I made that sound, then yes.” Garrus said.

“Oh so you’re only telling me you accidentally hooked up with Garrus _now_?” Joker said in tones of mock-horror.

Shepard laughed.

“Keelah can we _please_ change the subject?” Tali groaned.

“What about quarians? You can’t even see you guys through those suits.” Joker pondered.

“I bet it’s the ankles.” Shepard guessed. “Have you seen quarrian ankles? So dainty.”

“No I’m sure it’s the masks. You can see quarian’s eyes through them, and eyes are supposed to be the windows to the soul in many cultures.” Garrus suggested.

“Can we please focus on this mission?!” Tali shrieked.

“Alright alright, we’ll stop tormenting you Tali.” Shepard chuckled.

“Yeah but now my curiosity is seriously piqued.” Joker said absently.   

“You can take your boshtet curiosity Joker, and shove it up your –”

“Okay everyone calm down, keep the peace!” Shepard ordered. “Tali, Garrus, I need you up here. Gather the rest of the team as you go and send them to the Kodiak. We’re heading out before this conversation tears the ship apart.”

She and Joker were still chuckling when Tali and Garrus got to the cockpit.

“The others are waiting in the koidak Shepard.” Tali reported.

“Good. Let’s head out then. Move out.” Shepard shouldered her gun and kicked herself off the wall.

“See ya Commander,” Joker smiled.

“See you in a bit babe. Keep the ship safe, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“Aw damn, I guess I’ll have to just cancel the orgy then.” Joker smirked.

Shepard laughed as she left, waving goodbye to him as she headed off with the others.

 

 

 

To Joker, it would seem like a lifetime had passed when he saw her again.

To Joker, it had seemed like a lifetime since he’d heard her laugh and seen her smile.

And he would have given anything to see her striding through the CIC in that moment. The shrill sound of the alarm was piercing his ears, the console no longer responding as he frantically typed away at it, trying to regain control of the ship.

“The Collectors have breached the hull Mr. Moreau, it is not safe here.” EDI said. “They have boarded the Normandy, I can gain control of the ship but only if you manually unlock me at my AI core.”

“Oh sure, you want me to unshackle you?” Joker cried.

“That is the only way I can access the Normandy’s defence turrets. I can save the ship but I need your help.” EDI said.

Joker groaned. “Okay what do I do?”

“You can use the service vents to access the AI core; the emergency lights will guide you Mr. Moreau.”

Joker spun his chair around and hauled himself to his feet. Taking shaky, unsteady steps, he made his way down the CIC. He heard screaming as the door to the elevator was forced open and the Collectors came screaming in; and he couldn’t bear to look as he tried to hurry past.

“Go! We’ll hold them off!” a Cerberus crew member said.

Joker appreciated that crew member more than he would ever know. Panic seized him. What if he didn’t make it? What if he couldn’t save the Normandy for a second time? He grit his teeth. _No_. He would _not_ let Shepard come back to an empty ship. He wouldn’t fail again, not _ever_ again! His momentary courage faltered as he approached the service vents as a Collector appeared overhead.

“Shit, shit shit!”

He had to stay calm or he’d break a leg, and then he and the ship would be totally screwed. He ducked and wedged his way into the service vent, trying not to look at the Collector above him as he made his way down the ladder.

_One step at a time Joker, just one step at a time. Take a breath, and take another. Kat needs you, she trusts you to save the ship, you need to save the ship._

Joker tried to breathe evenly as he went down the ladder. Eventually he made it to the bottom, and turned to see the crew deck overrun by the monsters.

“Joker there’s too many of them, follow me I’ll keep you safe!” one crew member said.

Joker went to follow, but before they could get far a Collector came out of nowhere and pounced on the crew member. Joker would never forget the scream. The Collector then came for him. He fell back, dragging himself away from it.

“Shit, fuck!”

Just before the Collector went to slash him, out of nowhere Shepard’s varren leapt over his head and locked its jaw onto the Collector.

“Viper!” Joker cried. “Viper, come on girl!”

The varren jumped off the injured Collector and followed Joker as he limped forward towards the medical bay. Viper kept close to him as he manually locked the door to the AI core.

“Okay I’m at uh…uh you.” He said.

“Use the console to unshackle my restrictions and I will access the defensive files.” EDI said.

Joker sighed as he began to type away. “Can’t wait to go down in history as the idiot that unshackled the AI. _You remember that Joker? What a tool he was_.”

He unlocked EDI, and the whole ship shone blue.

“I have access.” EDI said. “You must get to the engine room to activate the procedure.”

“You want me to go in the vents again.” Joker groaned. “Alright, come on Viper, down the tunnel girl.”

Viper launched herself down the vent, using her claws to ease herself down while Joker climbed down the ladder. He could hear the carnage throughout the ship, but he didn’t want to think about what was happening out there. Kat was going to go ballistic when she got back. If there was even a ship to come back to.

Viper growled as a warning when a band of Collectors came through the cargo hold, and Joker ducked to avoid being seen. With Viper’s help he snuck into the engine room, the varren sitting at the door as a guard even after EDI closed it.

“Use the control panel below, it will activate the airlock and we will go into hyperdrive, the Collectors will be destroyed.” EDI said.

“What about the crew?”

“The crew is gone Jeff.”

Oh. Joker’s stomach lurched. Kat was going to kill him. Reluctantly he typed in the airlock procedure, and held on as the ship rocketed forward, but hit his head on the rail in the process, knocking him out.

When he came to, the ship was still. And silent. Eerily silent.

“The ship is clean. Are you alright Jeff?” EDI asked as Viper nudged him awake.

“No, but thanks for asking.” He muttered, getting to his feet. “Radio Shepard. She needs to know what happened.”

 

 

Shepard couldn’t wait until the door to the Kodiak was fully open, but she scraping her way out before anyone could see her go. Her crew followed more slowly, stunned by the eerie quiet of the crewless ship, but Shepard hurried forward, anxious to get to the com room. EDI had told her that Joker was file, but she needed to see him with her own eyes. She’d been panicking ever since the transmission came in.

Finally, she burst through the com room door, and Joker looked up at her from where he was seated on the table. He looked gloomy, and didn’t have an expression on his face as Shepard rushed forward to him.

“Jeff!” she took off her gauntlets so as not to cause him any damage as she cupped his face in her hands. “Oh thank god you’re okay, I was so scared.”

“M’alright Kat,” he murmured, eyes not meeting hers.

She hugged him, even if he stayed perfectly still in her arms. It wasn’t until Joker felt wet droplets on his neck did he respond.

“Kat are you…crying?”

Shepard sniffled, pulling away and wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

“I thought I’d lost you.” She said miserably. “I don’t know what I’d do if that happened.”

“Don’t cry sweetheart,” Joker reached out to tug her forward, resting his forehead against hers. “Angels shouldn’t cry Kat. I’m okay, it’s alright.”

Shepard smiled slightly. “And you saved the Normandy. We have a chance of getting the crew back thanks to you.”

“Because of him we lost the crew in the first place!” Miranda snapped as the team entered the room. “And he damn near lost the ship too!”

“Miranda I like you but right now, you need to shut the fuck up.” Shepard growled.

“Talk shit get hit bitch.” Jack snapped. “Flyboy did a good fuckin job so quit whining.”

“I did what I could.” Joker said defensively.

“And that’s all I could want.” Shepard said gently.

“Fine, but now we have an unshackled AI aboard.” Miranda said.

“I am still bound by Cerberus protocols Miranda,” EDI said. “Even if I were not, you are all my crewmates.”

“It’s okay EDI, I trust you. You wouldn’t do anything to hurt us or the ship.” Shepard said.

Joker sighed, rubbing his face tiredly.

“Everyone back to their stations. Get some rest, I want everyone up and ready for action when we hit the Omega-4 Relay. I’m going to get my damned crew back.” Shepard commanded.

“Aye aye Commander.”

Everyone filed out, leaving Joker and Shepard alone.

“Orders for me Commander?” Joker asked.

“You’re coming up to my quarters Flight Lieutenant.” Shepard said. “You could use the rest. EDI will get us to the relay.”

“Don’t think I’ll be doing much resting in your quarters Kat.” Joker smirked.

Shepard chuckled and helped him up. “Rest. That’s an order.”

“Oh very well, if you insist. And then?”

“And then, we take back our crew, and we destroy those bastard Collectors once and for all.”

“Sounds good to me.”


	18. Chapter 18

“Jeff?”

“Mmm?” Joker opened one eye, looking down at Shepard, who was curled up under his chin and glancing up at him.

“I love you, you know that right?”

“Course I do babe. I love you too.” Joker kissed her forehead. “I love you more than anything.”

“Even the Normandy?”

Joker smiled. “Even the Normandy.”

“Oh my god… you really do love me.”

Joker laughed. “That was in question?”

Shepard grinned and propped herself up on her elbow, her messy hair spilling over her shoulders.

“The Normandy’s everything to you.”

“ _You’re_ everything to me.” Joker corrected. “The Normandy is _our_ ship. Our home.”

Shepard’s smile turned soft. “Our home. I like that.”

“I wish I told you sooner, we could have more time together. I’m sorry, you wouldn’t have had to be hurt by Alenko if it had of been me instead of him.” Joker said regretfully.

“You’re here now Jeff, that’s what matters. And I wouldn’t want any other man by my side. But I wish we could have had more time together too.”

“If we survive we’ll have all the time together in the world.” Joker said. “But even if we don’t, I want you to know the time we’ve had has been the best of my life, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.”

Shepard leaned forward to kiss him. “My sweet pilot,” she murmured.

Joker’s smile turned bashful, and he looked down at their hands, which were idly joined together.

“I’ve been wanting to do something for a while now. I was going to wait but, just in case something happens, I want to do it now.”

“What is it Jeff?” Shepard tilted her head curiously.

“Close your eyes babe.”

Shepard giggled and did so. “What have you planned you sneaky thing?”

“Just a little detail.”

Shepard smirked at the joke. She felt something being slipped onto her finger, and she gasped, her eyes flying open and looking down. There on her ring finger, sat a delicate gold ring emblazoned with a twinkling emerald, and two small diamonds beside it.

“Oh Jeff…it’s so beautiful…” she whispered.

“Like you.” Joker smiled. “I designed it for you. Emerald, for your eyes and your birthstone. Diamonds are the hardest rock on Earth, and you’re the toughest person I’ve ever met. Gold for your fiery hair.”

“Oh babe…thank you…” Shepard teared up. He’d put so much thought into this.

“I suppose the only thing that comes next is the question.”

“The answer’s yes.” Shepard smiled. “Of course it’s yes.”

She threw her arms around Joker, smiling so wide it hurt her cheeks.

“Easy Kat, fragile remember?” Joker winced.

“Sorry.” Shepard laughed breathlessly. “I love you.”

Joker smiled. “I love you too.”

“Commander, ETA five minutes to the Omega-4 Relay. I would suggest Jeff takes the helm.” EDI said.

“Duty calls.” Joker sighed.

“I’ll wake everyone up.” Shepard and Joker got themselves out of bed, and got ready.

This was going to be the toughest mission of theirs yet.

 

 

“Do it babe. Take us in.” Shepard stood at attention behind Joker’s chair in full armour, the team at their stations around the CIC, ready for action.

“You got it. This is going to be my slickest skills ever.” Joker smirked. “Watch this babe.”

“Can you impress Shepard another time Joker? Maybe not kill us in the process?” Tali muttered.

Garrus chuckled. Miranda rolled her eyes and took her place next to Shepard, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Hitting relay in three…two…here we go.”

The ship rumbled from the effort of hitting the relay, Joker gritting his teeth in concentration to keep the ship steady. Shepard gripped the edge of the chair to keep on her feet, biting her bottom lip with trepidation.

“Woah.” They came out the other side, in a mess of space junk. “Woah! Brace yourselves!”

Joker engaged evasive actions to avoid the smashed and ruined ships just outside the relay.

“Oh my god…look at them all.” Shepard murmured.

“Looks like every ship that’s ever tried to cross the relay.” Joker said. “Some of these are ancient…look at them, there are some here from human’s first space travel.”

“There’s an Alliance vessel.” Shepard said leaning over Joker’s shoulder.

“Looks old.” Joker commented.

“Doesn’t look that old…maybe a decade?” Miranda squinted.

“It’s…familiar. EDI could you…?”

“I am scanning Shepard. Records indicate it is the Alliance Empire Skies.” EDI said.

“The Empire Skies? That’s Matthew’s ship!” Shepard cried. “This is where it disappeared to? Why were they trying to enter the Omega-4 Relay?”

“The ship’s mission is classified; I do not have access to the files.”

“Typical Alliance.” Joker muttered.

“Joker, do you think…?”

Joker looked back at Kat with a doubtful expression.

“I can get you to it. But…Kat…I wouldn’t hold out hope.” He said.

“I just need to know. I won’t be gone long.” Shepard rushed to the airlock as Joker pulled up to the Alliance wreckage.

“Be quick, our stealth systems won’t fool the Collectors for long.” Joker called after her.

“We can’t afford to be sidetracked like this,” Miranda muttered, but she nonetheless followed Shepard, along with Mordin, then Garrus and Tali and Jack and –

“Hold on you can’t all go! What if we need you here?” Joker cried.

“He’s right. Garrus, Mordin, you come with me. The rest, stay on the Normandy. We’ll be back soon. Keep out of sight Joker.”

“Yes ma’am.”

With her team in tow, Shepard leapt from the Normandy to the hull of the ruined ship. A piece of the shattered ship tore off as Shepard landed on it, and she gave a startled scream before Garrus quickly turned and grabbed her, pulling her safely onto the ship and out of open space.

“Thanks big guy.” Shepard clapped Garrus’ shoulder, and descended into the ship.

The ship was eerily quiet, it creaked and groaned as they walked along the length of the ship, and there were bit of the ship floating everywhere.

“What are you expecting to find Shepard?” Garrus asked.

“I don’t know. But I need to find something,” Shepard replied. “I need to find out what my brother’s mission was, why they came here. And I need to find Matthew’s dog tags.”  

The team moved on, though the crossing was difficult with most of the ship destroyed. Garrus helped Shepard over the large gaps in the floor as they went, Shepard siphoning any information from the ruined terminals as she could on her omnitool.

Suddenly, a missile rocketed passed the ship, rocking the whole thing to its core. Shepard braced herself against the wall while the ship wavered and swayed. Perhaps this sidemission hadn’t been one of her best ideas.

“Commander! We’ve had to take evasive actions!” Joker said over the comms. “The Collectors have picked up our sensors, we’ll swing back around once we lose them, but you’ll have to be ready to jump!”

“Roger that Joker, keep the Normandy safe, don’t take any unnecessary risks!” Shepard replied.

“He will.” Garrus commented.

“Irrevocably.” Mordin replied. “Most definitely, can not go five minutes without putting self at risk.”

“That’s Joker alright.” Shepard smirked. “Come on, let’s get this done quickly.”

 

 

“Looks like they were trying to map the area beyond the Relay,” Shepard murmured. “Alliance soldiers were escorting a research team of scientists, but lost contact with Earth once they hit the relay.”

“Doesn’t surprise me,” Garrus said, looking around at the wreckage. “Look at all these empty pods.”

“This ship must have crashed on impact with the field of debris out there, but surely that didn’t kill the entire crew.” Shepard looked the life pods up and down, cataloguing every name she saw.

“Collectors most likely scenario.” Mordin muttered. “Only enemy this side of relay. Used in experiments? Killed? For what purpose?”

“The same purpose they’ve taken the people from the colonies,” Garrus guessed. “Whatever they want humanity for, they’re not going to stop unless we can stop them. Shepard, take a look at this.”

Shepard moved to Garrus’ side to see him fiddling with half-broken keys. A patchy VI was brought up, glitching and crackling, but it spoke.

“Human…detected…emergency…failing…life pod…emergency…activated…”

“You make any of that out?” Shepard asked the others.

 “Pieces, but not enough to understand.” Mordin replied.

“It spoke about a life pod? Maybe there’s something in there, let’s find it.” Garrus said.

The scoured the rows of life pods, trying to find one that looked different to the others, or special in some way. None of them fit the bill. Shepard frowned. Maybe the VI had been more broken than they thought?

“Shepard!” Garrus suddenly cried. “Over here!”

Shepard turned and made her way over to Garrus. The life pod he was standing in front of looked ordinary, and at first she wondered why Garrus had called her over. But then she saw it. Her brother’s name. It was her brother’s pod. Captain Matthew Shepard

She gasped. “Matthew…”

“And look here,” Garrus said, pointing to the light shining off the pod. “It’s still in operation.”

Shepard traced Matthew’s name with her fingers almost numbly. This is why she wanted to come aboard, but now that she was here, did she want to know what lie inside that life pod?

“VI attempt at keeping ship captain alive, perhaps to send for help, but with no way of leaving relay, had to keep hidden. Safe.” Mordin mused.

Shepard swallowed thickly. “Gare…open the pod.”

Garrus nodded. He put a hand on Shepard’s shoulder, and with the talon of his other hand, punched in the release code for the life pod. Shepard held her breath. She gave a startled gasp as a tall man fell out of the pod in a heap, and though she caught him before he hit the floor, she ended up going down with him.

“Matthew!” Shepard cried. “Mordin, what’s wrong with him?”

“Too long in pod. Temporary state, should easily recover.” Mordin summarised. “Here, have a solution.”

Mordin crouched down and pulled out a little syringe. He injected Mathew with a yellow liquid and waited. Soon, Matthew gave a strangled cough, and stirred in Shepard’s arms. Shepard immediately put him down to give him some space, and waited for him to come to.

“Mattew?” Shepard asked. “Mattie? It’s me, Kathy.”

Matthew groaned and groggily opened his eyes. He blinked blearily, trying to focus.

“Kathy…? But…you died…” he rasped.

“That’s a long story.” Shepard replied. “But both Adrien and I are alive Matthew. Everyone else died.”

Matthew swallowed thickly, looking around at Shepard’s alien companions. Suddenly, he gave a cry and shot up, getting to his feet hastily. Shepard launched herself to her feet and held his shoulders to keep him steady.

“Mattie what is it?” she asked.

“The Collectors!” Matthew cried. “If you’re here that means – that means they – took the crew…”

Matthew looked around at all the empty pods, and he shoulders hunched slightly.

“How long have I been under?” he asked, looking at Shepard. “You’re a woman now Kathy. How long?”

“A long time Matthew, far too long.” Shepard replied. “I have a ship waiting, more or less. We’re here to defeat the Collectors.”

Matthew nodded slowly. “Shepards always seem to rush in where danger’s the thickest don’t we?” he mused. “I’ll join you. I have to avenge my crew.”

“Mattie you only just came out of cryo – ”

“Kathy you know me, I’ll be fine. Now let’s get to this ship of yours.”

Shepard nodded and lead her team away.

“You can tell the family resemblance in attitude at least,” Garrus commented.

“Shepards only give up when they’re dead.” Matthew quoted.

“Dad used to say that.” Shepard supplied.

“I think you three have taken that too literally.” Garrus replied.

Shepard chuckled. They reached the edge of the floating wreckage, and Shepard slipped her assault rifle off her shoulder to hand to her brother.

“You’ll need this.” She said. “My pilot has had to take evasive action against the Collectors, so be ready to jump when he comes by.”

“Nothing like a good wake up call.” Matthew grinned.

“Joker, what’s happening with the Normandy?” Shepard asked.

“Coming along Commander!” Joker answered. “Hang tight, I’m zipping through now. On my mark, jump!”

“Roger Joker, we’re ready.” Shepard replied. “Get ready gang,”

The Normandy came screaming out on to the horizon like in an action vid, a flying Collector-made machine following viciously behind. Shepard ordered her team to grab hold of each other, and waited for Joker’s signal.

“Now Shepard!”

They jumped.

For a brief, terrifying moment, it seemed as though they would fall short of the Normandy; but Joker rolled the ship to the side and caught them in the open cargo bay. They hit the ground painfully, rolling to safety even as the Collector drone followed them inside the cargo bay.

“Look out!” Shepard shouted.

The team stumbled to cover as the cargo bay doors shut, and launched into an offensive against the drone. Shepard threw several scatter grenades its way, which temporarily blinded it. In its confusion Garrus fired a shot straight through its huge hideous eyeball, and Mordin and Matthew bombarded it with their pistols until it came down with a loud crash. Exhausted, Shepard collapsed on the ground, leaning against a cargo crate.

“Jesus Christ on a motorcycle.” She muttered.

“That’s a new one.” Joker’s amused voice sounded in her earpiece.

“Less talking, more flying.” Shepard snapped as she got to her weary feet. “How are we looking?”

“Looks like the Collectors are sending an old friend to greet us. You’d better get up here Commander.” Joker reported.

“Well, I’d wait to keep them waiting. Everyone take their positions, we’re going in!”

Shepard and her team raced up to the CIC, Mordin and Garrus resuming their positions while Matthew took up the co-pilot’s chair, ignoring Joker’s perplexed expression. Shepard took her customary place behind Joker and placed her hand on his shoulder. Joker grinned as they faced the approaching Collector ship.

“Take us in.” Shepard said quietly. “Let’s blow that thing out of the sky.”

“With pleasure Commander.”

 

_To be continued…_


	19. Chapter 19

“Ha! Take that bastards!” Joker cheered.

Shepard smirked. The laser hadn’t scratched the Normandy’s surface, but their upgraded guns had ripped right through the Collector ship.

“Well done everyone,” she said. “Those upgrades came in handy.”

“They’re coming round for another go.” Joker reported.

“Let them come.”

The battle was short, but vicious. Shepard had never engaged in many space ship-to-ship battles before; being a marine her fight was always on the ground. But the battle didn’t last long enough for her to analyse their success; Joker hit the Collector ship directly in the power core which made the ship explode on impact.

However, no one accounted for the debris that would hit the Normandy.

“ _Dammit_! There goes the booster!” Joker panicked, losing control of the ship. “We’re going down! Everyone hold on, it’s going to be a shaky landing!”

Shepard ducked forward and grabbed hold of Matthew just as they hit the Collector base; quite literally actually. The ship rolled and Shepard’s stomach with it; she was all too familiar of the sensation of her ship exploding around her and was not keen to experience it for the second time.

She could hear Joker straining on the flight controls as the ship went down, and with a crash that sent her sprawling over the floor the Normandy came crashing down onto the Collector base, skidding with a painful metallic sound as Joker brought her to a stop.

“Everyone alright?” Joker asked.

Shepard got up and looked around at the rest of the team getting to their feet.

“We’re fine. Everyone gather in the conference room to discuss our strategy.”

She waited for Joker and helped him walk to the conference room after everyone else, which of course gave the team time to argue while she wasn’t around. She came in mid-argument between Miranda and Jack – big surprise there – and left Joker by the door to break it up.

“Last I checked, I was the Commander here.” Shepard said. “I will take advice from you all, but the final decision is mine, and I expect you all to follow orders.”

That shut everyone up.

“Now, Miranda, you were saying?”

“EDI, bring up the scans for us.” Miranda said. “We’ve located the base’s central weak point – the main control centre in the middle of the structure.”

“This is the most likely place to find surviving colonists and the crew of the Normandy.” EDI supplied.

“The only problem is, there’s two ways to get to the control centre. If we charge in one way, the Collectors will doubleback and overwhelm us the other way. We’re going to need two teams to infiltrate the base simultaneously. But, there’s another problem.”

“Of course there is.” Shepard sighed. “Hit me with it.”

“The only way to gain access to the two paths are through tech gates located in a thermal gate that runs beside the path. We’ll need a tech expert to manually disable to gates while the two teams fight their way through the station.”

Shepard glanced at Tali, who held up her hands and shook her head.

“Oh no, don’t look at me Shepard.” She said. “Me? In a vent?”

“If you are unable Creator Tali’Zorah, I will go.” Legion said.

If Shepard could see Tali’s face, she could be sure she was glaring.

“You want to go? I bet you’d love that.” She snapped. “Shepard, if you need me to, I will go.”

“Thank you Tali. You’ll be fine.” Shepard said. “I’ll be leading the main team through the base, as for the distraction team up the other side, we’ll need a squad leader to coordinate our movements.”

“I’d be willing Shepard.” Miranda said.

“If you think I’m following your orders you can suck my ass.” Jack snapped.

Shepard sighed in exasperation. “Garrus will be in charge of your unit.”

“Shepard? Are you sure you want me in charge?” Garrus asked uncertainly.

“I trust you Gare, you’ll be just fine. The distraction team will be codenamed Mako. Jack and Thane, you’re with me, we’ll infiltrate the left passage and reach the control base to let Team Mako in. Tali and Legion, I’ll trust you two to work on those vents. Everyone else is on Team Mako. Let’s move out people,”

As the team filed out of the room to collect their weapons and armour, Shepard took a moment to collect herself. She’d been on plenty of dangerous missions in her time, but this took the cake so far. She would need to use all her training to get through this mission; she had come to terms with the reality that she might not survive months ago, but hell would freeze over before she let any of her crew die.

“Joker, EDI, I want you to do what you can to get the Normandy able for flight while we’re gone.” Shepard said mechanically. “I need you to be ready to receive the crew, and get the team out of here. With or without me.”

“With or…? Kat?” Joker looked at her, but she wouldn’t turn around. “No, I’m not leaving without you.”

“I’m not having everyone here die. You have to survive this mission. I have to finish this, this is my mission to complete, my unfinished business.” Shepard said.

“It’s my unfinished business too.” Joker said firmly. “And Garrus’ and Tali’s, and everyone in your team has decided to follow you to the bitter end. You can’t deny us that, it’s our choice.”

“I’m your Commander, I’m supposed to get my team through anything. Make the sacrifices. Complete the mission. Keep the crew alive.”

“And we’re your crew. We – _I_ – will not leave you to die, just as you couldn’t leave any of us to die.” Joker limped hastily forward over to Shepard, grabbing her shoulder and forcing her to turn around and look at him. “I _swore_ to you that I would die with you if I had to, and I meant it. If you’re going to die here, then I’m sure as hell coming with you. I’m not living without you again Kat, I just can’t do it.”

“Jeff…I…” Shepard’s eyes widened and welled with tears.

“Don’t make me live without you babe, not again.” Joker whispered. “I won’t do it. I’ll do everything I can to get the team out of here, EDI can do it in my stead, but if you’re staying here to finish the job, I’m staying too.”

Shepard blinked back her tears, hugging Joker to her tightly.

“I love you so much Jeff.” She half-sobbed.

“I love you too Katherine, more than anything in this galaxy.” Joker replied. “So you’d better come back to me in one piece do you understand me? You’re not dying on me now. You come back to me, you hear? That’s an order Commander.”

“Aye aye Flight Lieutenant,” she said shakily.

“Be careful out there my love,” Joker murmured as she pulled back. She nodded.

She kissed him deeply, as a last goodbye should the worst come to pass, and left to rally her team. Joker sighed, and rolled his sleeves up, squaring his jaw.

“Okay EDI, let’s get this girl up and running again.”

 

 

 

“How we doin EDI?” Joker asked, elbows deep in engine fluids.

“Engines are at 48% capacity.” EDI reported.

Joker clicked his tongue in annoyance. “That’s not good enough. How much power do we need to clear the relay?”

“Estimation is at 70%.”

“Dammit. Give me another look at the damage reports of the ship.” Joker looked at his omnitool, going through the damaged sections of the Normandy.

There was mostly structural damage throughout the ship, but that wasn’t crucial for their flight. The most important things to get done before the team returned where; several fuel junctions needed to be reconnected manually, the ship’s hyperdrive needed to be restarted, the automatic boosters needed to be repaired, part of EDI’s core had been damaged and had limited her ability to access to ship.

The vent junctions also needed to be reconnected to let hot air escape so as not to make the ship explode once they were hit with the mass relay’s energy. It was enough work for a team of engineers to spend a week doing, but Joker was just one crippled pilot.

Give him a ship and he could make it dance, but ask him to repair a warship and he was at a loss. The basics he’d learnt at flight school, one needed to understand how the ship worked if one wanted to know how to fly her right, but this was work more suited for engineers like Donnelly and Tali, scientists like Miranda and biotics like Shepard.

“Alright EDI, talk me through these fuel junctions.” Joker said.  

With EDI relaying instructions to him, Joker got to work repairing the necessary parts of the ship. When he signed up for flight school he never thought he’d end up in the ass-end of space on a suicide mission fixing an injured ship with the help of an AI in the vain hope he could get the crew and the woman he loves out of here alive.

Yeah, definitely not how he pictured his career turning out.

With the tech so badly damaged on the Normandy, Joker had no comms or video feed from the mission. But he remained focussed on fixing the ship; he couldn’t spend the time panicking because he didn’t know what was happening inside the station, he was needed to get the ship air-worthy for when the team got back.

If was not an option, not to Joker. He’d walked away from too many failures for one lifetime, he wasn’t going to walk away from another, especially if that failure was leaving Shepard to die.

“EDI you can manage to get the Normandy out of here without me right?” Joker checked, tangled up in electrical wires deep in the AI core.

“I have sufficient skills to navigate the Normandy beyond the mass relay yes, why Jeff?” EDI asked.

“Because if Shepard ends up getting stuck here, I’m staying with her, and I’ll need you to get the others to safety.”

“Jeff it is against my protocols to leave any crew member to die.”

“And if it means saving the rest of the crew by leaving two behind?” Joker challenged.

“I…understand. Are you certain Jeff?”

“I am. If she dies I…” Joker closed his eyes and sighed. “I’m dead anyway, might as well die with her this time. Now, tell me again how I reconnect the defensive turrets to your systems?”

 

 

“ _Go! Get through that door **now**!” _ Shepard screamed.

Shepard leapt over cover, blaring with biotic energy, and hurled shockwaves and singularities at the Collectors. She had to be her team more time to make it to the safety zone. Once they were beyond those doors they would be momentarily out of the onslaught. Shepard had no idea where Team Mako were and she was worried to the point of almost being distracted. They’d lost contact half an hour ago and she was anxious to get to a safe enough place to check on them. She hated nothing more than being cut off from almost her entire team in a dangerous place with no guarantee of rescue. And she’d been in enough of those situations to develop a distinct dislike for them.

If someone had told her, all those years ago when she was a young cadet, that one day she’d be beyond the Omega-4 relay, freshly back from the dead, and ready to blow up the Collector base suicide-squad style, she’d never believe them.

She’d seen a lot of crazy shit in her career, but this? This was new.

“See you in hell.” She spat as she tossed a grenade, powering it with a shockwave before throwing her remaining grenades into the toxins created by the first.

Shepard turned on heel and ran, the explosion that followed knocking her off her feet and she hit the ground in a forward roll, coming to her feet and sprinting back towards her team.

“Tali get those doors shut!” she cried.  

She ran in, and she and the other slammed the doors shut, holding them closed against the horde as Tali punched in the override code and manually locked the doors. Sighing, Shepard then slid down the doors and onto the floor. She ran a hand through her hair.

“Shepard that was fucking badass!” Jack grinned. “You’re so fucking awesome! Shit I am so glad you decided to pick me up, this is the best fun I’ve ever had!”

Shepard broke out into a laugh. “Glad you’re enjoying yourself Jack.”

Tali helped pull Shepard to her feet, and she attempted to re-establish communications with Team Mako.

“Team Mako come in, Team Mako are you receiving me?” she said into her comms. “Dammit Garrus where are you?”

After a bit of fiddling, a staticky connection came through.

“Shepard! Are you at the rendezvous point?” Garrus asked.

“We’ve reached it yes, what’s your location?”

“We’re here, but the door won’t open! It’s jammed from your side Legion says, Tali needs to hack into the system at the same frequency Legion is to open it.”

“We’re on it Garrus, hold on.”

“Hurry Shepard, we’re taking heavy fire, we can’t hold them back much longer!”

“Tali, get on that door and tune into Legion’s frequency. Get it open on the double! The rest of you, positions! Be ready to shoot at anything on the other side!” Shepard ordered.

Tali set up her hacking tool on the door, typing away at the speed of light while the others readied their guns. The doors slid open and Legion literally fell on Tali, which would have made Shepard laugh if they were not in such a serious situation.

Oh who was she kidding? It was still funny.

She chuckled as she started to fire at the Collectors.

“Alright lovebirds, get in here quick! This is neither the time nor the place!”

“A fine time for jokes Shepard!” Tali snapped as she scrambled to her feet and ducked behind the doors to whip out her pistol.

“Records indicate that Shepard-Commander always has time for jokes.” Legion said.

“That’s true,” Thane chuckled.

“What can I say? I like to bring a little humour to my work.” Shepard grinned. “ _Garrus_ – get your team in here! Hold these doors until they get in, Tali and Legion, be ready to close them!”

As Garrus and his team retreated, firing into the swarm of Collectors, Tali and Legion set poised to slam the doors shut behind them. Garrus was the last to enter, getting his whole team inside before retreating from the battle himself. At once the doors slammed shut and were locked, and Shepard put down her pistol.

“Alright head count, anyone injured?” Shepard asked.

“The krogan got a few in the shoulder Kathy,” Mattie said. “I got some omnigel on it, should be fine.”

“Thanks Mattie. You okay Grunt?”

“Sure Shepard…and Shepard.” Grunt said, looking slightly confused.

“Alright, Tali do you have the scans from EDI? What are we looking at for the next leg?”

Tali brought up the scans of the station on her omnitool, and the team gathered round to examine them.

“It looks like the two passages continue into the base,” Tali said. “But the sensors are indicating something strange…I can’t quite make out…”

“It appears that the entire chamber is filled with swarmers.” EDI’s voice rang out over the comms.

“EDI! You got the comms working!” Shepard smiled.

“Hey I helped too.” Joker sniffed.

“If the chamber is filled with those swarmers, we’ll never make it.” Miranda mused.

“The other passage is too filled with Collectors, we’ll never make it through in time.” Garrus argued. “We have to stick to the plan, the infiltration team must go undetected.”

“If I may,” Samara piped up. “I believe I could erect a biotic barrier strong enough to combat the swarmers. I would have to go slow, and I would be unable to fight while keeping the barrier up, but I believe I could do it.”

“Will that work?” Shepard asked.

“I am positive it will. Any biotic could also achieve this feat.” Samara said. “If not me, I would suggest Jack, as her power levels are immense.”

“It’s too dangerous leaving one biotic to power the field. We don’t know how long it will take us to get through the chamber.” Jack said. “I think we should both go, that way when one biotic needs to rest, the other can take up the barrier.”

“Good thinking Jack. You and Samara will accompany us into the chamber.” Shepard said. “You’re thinking like a team player, I’m proud of you.”

Jack smiled, and shrugged with one shoulder. “Maybe your little crew has taught me something about being a team, maybe not.”

“Kasumi, I want you with me in the chamber. Tali, you’re also with me. Everyone else will go with Garrus down the main tunnel.”

“Sounds fun.” Kasumi said.

“Joker, how’s the Normandy coming?”

“Coming along Commander.”

“Good, because we…”

Shepard trailed off, as she just now noticed what was in the chamber with them.

“Wait a minute…what _is_ that?” Miranda’s eyes widened.   

“Look! It’s Kelly Chambers!” Tali cried, running to one of the orange pods.

“The crew!” Shepard looked around. “The colonists!”

Tali touched one of the pods, which seemed to activate it, and the colonist inside awoke. Then, they were screaming. Green gas was entering the pods, vaporising them.

“Keelah!”

“Shepard the crew!”

“Get them out! Smash those pods! NOW!”

In frantic movements, the team ran to bust open the pods, using any means to smash open the glass doors. Biotic powers flared and guns smashed into glass, until at last the crew of the Normandy were saved. The colonists still surviving hadn’t been so lucky, they had been further into the chamber, out of the team’s reach.

“Is everyone alright?” Shepard asked.

“I…I think so.” Kelly said shakily. “Everything happened so fast…and it was so cold…”

“Doctor, would you be able to examine the crew?”

“I would, but I would need my lab.” Chakwas answered.

“Okay. We’ve cleared a path through the infiltration team vent, but I’ll send Mordin with you to get you safely to the Normandy. Joker, expect the crew shortly, I’m sending them to you.”

“Aye aye Commander.”

Shepard sighed and cracked her neck. What a day this was turning out to be.

 

 

“Dammit!” Joker snatched his hand back as the circuit bird spat electricity at him for the third time. “EDI are you sure you’re giving me the right instructions?”

“Positive Jeff. Are you sure you’re following them? Perhaps if I had red hair and green eyes you would listen more effectively.”

“Oh ha-ha.” Joker rolled his eyes. “Just tell me where to go.”

“There should be a service vent near you.”

“You want me to go crawling through vents again?”

“I enjoy the sight of humans on their knees.”

Joker blinked. There was an awkward pause.

“That was a joke.”

“Of course it was.” Joker sighed. “Alright EDI, what am I looking for in the vent?”

“There will be a replacement circuit meter in the base – attach the blue cable to the empty socket and I will regain control over the Normandy’s stealth shields.”

“Right.”

Joker scrambled his way down the vent in the wall, squeezing his way down to the base and wrenching open the hatch. He found the socket and inserted the cable, but the cord fizzed out and shortcircuited, zapping him with electricity again. He snatched back his hand with a hiss.

“Dammit now what?” he groaned.

Then suddenly, power surged through the ship, and blue light illuminated the vent.

“I have regained control.” EDI said.

Huh? Joker crawled his way out of the vent, and was face-to-face with two pairs of feet. He looked up, tipping his hat back to see.

“Need a hand Joker?”

“Daniels! Donnelly!” Joker grinned. “About time you two showed, trying to slack off by getting kidnapped by the Collectors are we?”

Donnelly chuckled as he helped Joker to his feet.

“It’s not a good tax dodge, wouldn’t recommend it.” He said.

“Now, let’s get this ship back together!” Daniels grinned.

Joker smiled. He missed the crew.

“Commander, received the crew safe and sound.” Joker reported.

Nothing but static. He frowned. Odd.

“EDI you fixed the comms didn’t you?”

“I did Jeff. Something must be interfering with the signal.”

“Connect me to Team Mako.”

“Connecting. Connection made.”

“Garrus? Can you hear me?”

“Joker! What’s wrong?” Joker could hear shots through his earpiece.

“Nothing, we just got Mordin and the crew, but I can’t get ahold of Shepard. She alright?”

“As far as I know. The chamber her team’s in now is filled with swarmers, we lost contact about ten minutes ago. They must be interfering with the comms, our scanners were picking up thousands of them.”

“Damn. Alright thanks Garrus, stay safe out there.”

“You too Joker.”

Joker leaned over Daniels to access the ship’s comms.

“Okay people I want this ship up and running when the Commander gets back. Those who are able, get to your positions and get to work. Those who aren’t report to the med bay. Let’s get this show on the road.”

 

 

“Joker look!” Kelly Chambers pointed out the cockpit’s windows, an expression of awe on her face.

Joker looked up from the navigation controls to look where she pointed. The Collector base was on fire, explosions going off from the top. That meant one of two things; Shepard had succeeded and they were on their way back, or Shepard had succeeded and they were all dead. The question was, which one was it?

“EDI! What’s the Normandy’s status?”

“Ship capacity is at 85%.” EDI said.

“Good enough. Start getting her ready for flight. Everyone, we’re almost ready to roll – get to your battle stations!”

Shepard would have been proud of his Commander-ing. Joker got to the pilot’s seat and began to configure the flight controls, while bringing up his comm systems to contact the team.

“Commander! You still alive up there?”

“Let me get back to you on that!” came Shepard’s breathless reply.

Joker felt relief so powerful he wuld have fallen if he hadn’t been sitting lready.

“God it’s good to hear your voice.” He muttered.

“This isn’t over yet Joker – Samara, Jack, get those barriers up! Take the heat off Grunt and Jacob! – how’s the Normandy?”

“Up and ready ma’am, the crew’s ready for your arrival.”

“Good man, make sure the Normandy’s ready for hyperdrive because this place is going up with a bang – Tali get a move on! – ETA five minutes Joker, I’m sure you’ll see us coming screaming down the line.”

Joker chuckled. “Don’t forget to duck.”

“Yeah I’ll remember that smart ass. You know just because you’re sleeping with the Commander, doesn’t mean you can be insubordinate Flight Lieutenant.”

Joker smirked. “Aye aye ma’am.”

“Wise ass.” Shepard muttered.

Joker laughed. He couldn’t seem to stop smiling, even though Shepard wasn’t safe yet, just knowing she had survived the blast was overwhelmingly relieving. It was just like another mission again.

“Love you too Commander. Hit em hard for me!”

Joker finished calibrating the flight controls, and got up from his chair to get out his assault rifle.

“EDI, get this ship launched. Hover on the bridge and wait for the Commander, when she’s aboard head for the relay as fast as you can.” He ordered.

By the time Joker limped with his heavy assault rifle to the open airlock, EDI was hovering the ship above the bridge, and he could see the team running out of the base, Collectors by their hundreds behind them. Joker aimed his assault rifle, and fired. He didn’t let up on his reign of bullets as the team ran out into the open.

Shepard was, as always, behind the rest, holding the last line of defence with Garrus watching her six. It was an image Joker was familiar with, but it still didn’t make him any less anxious. One by one, the team members jumped and launched themselves into the ship, running straight to their battle stations in preparation for the escape.

Finally, Garrus jumped, and landed beside Joker, which left only Shepard. For a moment, she looked back and stopped, still shooting, and for a terrifying moment Joker thought she was going to stay. She threw away her empty thermal clip, turned on heel, and shouted.

“Go! We have to go now!”

Joker had ordered EDI not to go until Shepard was on board, but Shepard was the Commander, and her orders came before his. EDI began to move the ship away from the base, Joker still shooting at the advancing Collectors, and Shepard jumped for the airlock.

Now the ship had moved, she didn’t quite make it, but she managed to grab onto the ledge of the airlock, and she dangled precariously as Joker emptied his thermal clip into a Collector. Garrus pulled her up, and Joker wasted no time in closing the door and rushing to his place in the cockpit. Garrus immediately went to man the guns and Shepard ran to the CIC to give the orders.

“Joker get us out of here!”

“Aye aye Commander!”

Joker had never flown a ship so desperately in his life. As the base exploded behind them, Joker raced to keep the Normandy out of range of the fireball of death that was hounding them. They hit the mass relay at twice the recommended speed, and Joker grit his teeth as he tried to keep the ship steady.

Then, empty space.

No fireball behind them. No Collectors.

Just empty, clean, safe space.

They had done it. It was over.


	20. Epilogue

“Aria would be willing to help us for a favour Joker, don’t knock the idea so quickly.” Shepard smirked, tapping a datapad to her forehead.

“Yeah what is that anyway?” Joker asked, looking up at her dubiously.

“Just some info Aria will be grateful to have – in exchange for giving us aid to repair the Normandy of course.”

Joker scoffed. “For the hundredth time Kat, I am not letting Omega sewer rats touch my ship.”

“And for the hundredth time Jeff, it’s either that or we turn ourselves into the Alliance.” Shepard replied. “We’re going to have to eventually, but for right now, the crew needs to recuperate. We’ll get the ship repaired enough to fly right, then we’ll go to the Alliance and turn her, and us, in.”

“They’ll jail you.” Joker said. “Or execute you.”

“They won’t go that far. I was given unofficial permission to work my operations by the Council, so long as I stayed in the Traverse. Turning myself into the Alliance is the only honest thing I can do now, and I won’t become a fugitive. Don’t worry Jeff, I’ll take the punishment, it’ll be okay.”

Joker sighed. “Okay but what about EDI? They’re not going to let an unshackled AI stay put on the Normandy.”

“I have considered this.” EDI said. “I could pretend to be a simple VI, and in order to keep Jeff as the pilot, I could pretend to be programmed to only obey his orders. This would keep the Normandy in his hands, and in yours Commander, when you are released from prison.”

“You can _pretend_?” Joker blinked.

“Good idea EDI.” Shepard said, ignoring Joker’s astonished expression. “After we’ve repaired the ship, we’ll drop off our Cerberus crew somewhere on Illium to go where they wish, then head to Earth and the Alliance headquarters.”

“I still don’t like this, but you’re the Commander.” Joker said.

“Damn right I am. EDI, put the ship on the FTL, Joker can you put the ship in night cycle? I think everyone deserves a rest. Wake me if we have an emergency EDI.”

“Yes Commander.”

Joker limped after Shepard to the elevator as Shepard gave the order for the crew to head to bed. By the time they arrived in Shepard’s cabin he was more than exhausted.

“Some day.” Shepard said, stripping out of her armour and leaving it on her desk.

“Understatement.” Joker snorted, throwing his cap onto the bed and sitting down heavily on the soft mattress.

Shepard grinned at him as she shook out her hair. “Aw come on Joker, we’ve seen worse.”

“Ha. Like a Reaper attack the Citadel? You ever think that the things that happen to us are just, really weird?” Joker yawned as Shepard sat down beside him.

“Yeah, but I think we have a knack for weird.” She smiled.

“What’s got you so happy?” Joker asked suspiciously. “You look like the cat that swallowed the canary.”

“Do you remember that little detail I was going to tell you if we survived the mission?”

Joker’s eyes widened. He’d almost forgot.

“Yeah?”

“Well…I saw Mordin a few weeks ago and he confirmed that I was…that I am…pregnant.”

Joker felt his air leave his lungs.

“You’re…you’re actually –”

“I’m pregnant Joker.” Shepard smiled. “Mordin says the baby is perfectly fine.”

“You’re – pregnant – I’m – I’m gonna be a dad?” Joker had never looked happier, or more excited, at the idea.

Shepard nodded. Tears of joy prickled at the corners of her eyes, and Joker, having finally processed the information, started to laugh. He hugged Shepard, the both of them grinning like idiots.

“We’re having a baby.” He breathed. “I’m gonna be a dad.”

“And we’re engaged. And alive.” Shepard smiled. “I always loved a happy ending.”

“It’s not an ending.” Joker said pulling back with a grin. “It’s a beginning.”

Shepard laughed. “Yes, you’re right. It’s a beautiful beginning.”

“I love you Katherine.”

“I love you too Jeff. Forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHH IT'S THE END ALREADY!! D:  
> BUT! DON'T WORRY!  
> I have a sequel coming out, so the story will continue in the next game!  
> Fun fact: I actually only wanted to write the story of Joker and Katherine set in ME3 but I thought it wouldn't make sense without backstory, so I wrote this whole thing just to explain their beginnings JUST so I could write the fic I originally wanted to write.  
> Phew!  
> But now I'm super excited to finally write the sequel to this long backstory fic and I hope you'll enjoy it when I upload the first chapter! Until then thank you SO MUCH for reading!


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